OK, a bit of a financial crisis going on here:

Rent was due on the first, electric bill and sk8ing fees are overdue, need to make reservations for hotel for sk8ing competition in two weeks...

So of course the car broke down Saturday and the shop told me today it will take 3-4 thousand to fix it!

I was already stressing about what to do if it was going to cost even a few hundred!

So I will probably have to contact WH for help.

But I don't want to do that anymore.

And anyway, I doubt he can even afford that much right now.

It will probably just reinforce his attitude that we are a 'burden'...

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Hi MM,

Can you get a second opinion on the car to be sure it's really going to take that much $ to fix? I don't know if you trust your mechanic but more than once I have been taken advantage of.

Also,if the car really needs that much work done,you could probably put a down payment on a new one and lease for 2-3 years.Perhaps? I don't know your whole financial situation but it's just a thought.

By the way,I went back to read some of your revent posts and I am appalled at how your WH has treated you and I am sorry for your DD's having trouble.It's so very sad.

Anyway,I don't have any problem whatsoever pressuring my WH to pay up when it comes to being able to take care of my girls and so far he has been good about it(or else reap the wrath of Ogirl!).I don't even care what he thinks anymore.Just show me the Money! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But it's up to you to decide if you want to broach the subject with WH.Good luck~


O

I'm new to this Plan B thing...but I would think that a dire financial situation that affects the children, might constitute as an emergency...It's not like- "oh I need the cash to get my nails done..." Things like transportation, housing, utilities...those situations greatly affect the kids too!

Just my opinion...Is there someone you can have contact through?

Jeepgirl
ps. I'm praying for you!! I know how you are feeling!!

Hi OctoberGirl,

I am going to have it towed someplace else for a second opinion tomorrow. Last time WH and I were separated an auto repair shop tried to take advantage of me. I wonder if I should have a male friend go with me so they can ask the right questions and at least sound like they know something about cars?

I do know a mechanic who I can trust but his garage is not nearby. I used to take my old Suburbans there for repair. But I didn't want to go there anymore because it's too inconvenient for friends to give me rides there to drop off or pick up car. Plus AAA won't pay for another tow so I will have to pay for the tow to the farther place.

I will probably have to get a rental car too since kids have activities they have to go to almost every day.

Also, I found out recently that this Suburban has a lien on it for some bank in a small town about an hour from here... I don't know if it's a loan from the previous owner, signed over to my WH when he bought it... OR he had OW or one of her relatives help him with the loan. The last time he had an affair, he talked the OW into taking out a loan to help him buy a motor home. It certainly would explain why this OW was demanding the vehicle as a condition of reconciliation with WH (didn't even want WH to let us borrow it when needed to get daughters to sk8ing competitions)!

I mean I feel stupid enough having fallen for WH's bull but WHAT the heck are OW thinking when they do dumb stuff like that for a married man?!? I guess they think it means their relationship is being taken to a higher level, some sort of committment, if they make a major purchase together? More likely they just aren't thinking period.

I'm going to say some extra prayers tonight and will get a job ASAP so next time somethign like this comes up I know I won't even have to consider contacting WH.

I agree with you about WH should have to help with such things. Plus just in case the OW is still around, anytime he gave us extra money it would cause big problems in adultery-land. But my WH tries to intimidate and control me because we need more from him than he has to give us. I know my dependency on him in the past was a big factor in him thinking he could neglect and abuse me.

Hi again MM,

If it were up to me,I would round up all the OW in this country(OM too) and drive them to Texas where we could have Mis Mel unleash her big ole can o' whoopa** on 'em,Texas style! LOL.

So,there's lien on the car.Hmmm.Not good but you know,like jeepgirl said,this is a very important issue to get solved.You need a vehicle for your children and renting a car is going to suck up a lot of money and drain it all away.It can't hurt to at least let him know what is going on and then plan based on how HE handles this news.I know you don't want to contact him but this is one of "those things" where we do need to relay info in Plan B,if not ourselves,through mediators or friends,etc.

You'll be in my prayers tonight MM~

O

OK, very stressed out.

I guess I should contact WH, preferably through an intermediary, to update him on the sad state of finances...

Plus I hadn't told him yet that oldest daughter has been sent back to the psych ward at the hospital. (Daughter is 18 and sometimes says she doesn't want me to tell her father things about her.)

The thing is I was already worrying that I would have to ask WH for help with hotel for next competition (not unusual) plus other bills. So now the Suburban needing a new engine added to those requests will just be too much for him to help with anyway. Hostility is his way of dealing with any situation that highlights his inability (or unwillingness) to handle his responsibilities. I know I should not allow fear of his reaction to dictate my decisions, but if he can't help much right now, it just seems pointless to ask.

I don't think he will ever reach the bottom anyway, no matter how bad it gets. It just seems like the only ones going down there are me and my daughters. And we don't feel like we can rely on him being willing or able to help us when that happens.

I really am changing my mind every few minutes on whether or not to tell him about the current problems.

Of course I don't have any other options either...

Hi MM,

I am sorry your DD is back in the Psych ward. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I read about her history in your older posts.It's sad.She sounds like she is sinking under so much pressure,confusion and sadness.I wish I could help her somehow.My heart goes out to you and your kids.

Is there anyway that you could hold off on the competition? I am sure that it is very important but sometimes,when you are faced with some heavy choices,something's gotta give and the priorities become more strict.You are faced with choosing(unless you get a windfall of money from somewhere)getting your SUV fixed,which is going to cost big $ or giving up hotel and competition costs which may be a one time deal.Not sure what this competition is?

Is your WH not giving you enough $ per month to survive? Have you taken any legal action? I thought I read that your WH does or did make $55 per hour.Is that still true? I would still mention this to your WH and see what happens.The worst outcome could be an angry rebuttal/refusal to do anything but then you will know where you stand.Maybe,just maybe though,he would begrudgingly give you more $ but then at least you have something to work with.But to me,it does sound as though it will be very difficult to satisfy both problems.

I think someting similar happened to CarenMc here.And her WH wasn't that supportive either.I am going to go back and read what happened in her case.

O

Thanx for the response OctoberGirl,

"I am sorry your DD is back in the Psych ward. I read about her history in your older posts.It's sad.She sounds like she is sinking under so much pressure,confusion and sadness.I wish I could help her somehow.My heart goes out to you and your kids."

We're really scared for her. She seems to have lost her will to even try.

"Is there anyway that you could hold off on the competition? I am sure that it is very important but sometimes,when you are faced with some heavy choices,something's gotta give and the priorities become more strict.You are faced with choosing(unless you get a windfall of money from somewhere)getting your SUV fixed,which is going to cost big $ or giving up hotel and competition costs which may be a one time deal.Not sure what this competition is?"

Two daughters sk8 on synchronized sk8ing teams. This is a lot less expensive than what it costs to sk8 individually in competition.
And right now it accounts for almost all of the youngest daughters P.E. and socialization. I have serious doubts about being able to afford sk8ing next year. We do a LOT of fundraising to help pay for the expenses but towards the end of the season it comes out of pocket and WH sometimes helps pay for it. This is their last competition for this season. If they can't sk8 with their teams, both teams will have to rechoreograph the routine without them with little time to practive changes before competition. I am thinking of sending them to competition witout me and have them stay in hotel rooms with other girls on their teams. I had to do this last year for Eastern sectionals when WH and OW demanded I tell police department I had made up accusations of his violence to get restraining order, or else they wouldn't let us use the Suburban to drive to the competition. WH and OW pulled stunt immediately after WH assured middle daughter he would not change his mind again, a day or two before they had to leave for competition!

"Is your WH not giving you enough $ per month to survive? Have you taken any legal action? I thought I read that your WH does or did make $55 per hour.Is that still true?"

We have enough to scrape by but not get caught up and get ahead when things like this come up. WH got layed off from that job and his new job pays much less. He could go to court and have our support reduced, actually. ANd sometimes he gives us extra money for things that come up (if OW isn't in picture). Plus he doesn't have benefits yet at his new job. So for a while we were without insurance. He borrowed money from his money to pay to continue insurance until he gets benefits from new job.

"I would still mention this to your WH and see what happens.The worst outcome could be an angry rebuttal/refusal to do anything but then you will know where you stand."

I will have to contact him, but I think I will set up a new e-mail account, pretend it's from a 'concerned mutual friend', and give it one more try at the intermediary thing. I really do not want to let him think I'm willing to have direct contact with him unless he reforms.
I am certain he will have an angry reaction if for no other reasons than shame and feeling liek he's failing us. The fact that an intermediary knows will just make him more upset.

"Maybe,just maybe though,he would begrudgingly give you more $ but then at least you have something to work with.But to me,it does sound as though it will be very difficult to satisfy both problems."

I'm pretty sure he will give us some $. I know he won't be able to do enough though. So I still will have to come up with LOTS of $, QUICKLY, and will have him all enraged to boot.

"I think someting similar happened to CarenMc here.And her WH wasn't that supportive either.I am going to go back and read what happened in her case."

My WH is as supportive as he's required to be, and sometimes even gives some more... It's just nowhere near what we need and (daughters feel) we deserve. I guess it's time to stop viewing what he gives as just giving back a little of what he took away? In order to reduce my dependence on him, and therefore his notion that he's entitled to control me, I need to get a job and/or decrease living expenses.

IF there is any sk8ing next year we will have to fundraise like crazy.

I would like some feedback about setting up a new e-mail account, pretending to be a mutual concerned friend, to be the intermediary?

I need this boundary to be in place from now on.

I know, it's not a real boundary because the intermediary isn't real, but it's all I can think of for now.

But I'm afraid WH would be able to find out it was really just me. Is there some way I can block any info that would identify me as the person who set up that e-mail account?

I remember somebody once posted a link to another site that offered an intermediary service. I went there (last year) but couldn't find where to click for that. I would be willing to try that if somebody can repost the link. Is there a fee for it? And is there a time limit for how long they will serve as an intermediary?

OK, I just sent this e-mail to WH:

The car is in the shop.
They say it needs a new engine.
The phone # : ...

I didn't include anything else in the e-mail, not even a greeting or good-bye.

I sent it from my regular e-mail account but would still like feedback on idea about setting up fake-intermediary e-mail account?

Or that link to site which offers intermediary service?

Setting up an email acct is no problem. Go to yahoo.com, and click on mail. It'll walk you through it, and it's free.

Sugar,

I read about your dd, and I so feel for her. To be that young and full of promise.... I dunno what to say other than there are people out there who've never met y'all who care...I wish she knew that.

(((Mere)))

- Kimmy

The e-mail account I already have is with yahoo.

I was thinking of setting one up wherever my WH would be least likely to find out I was the one who set up the account. WH is a computer system analyst, usually in charge of system security wherever he works, so he knows more about this stuff than I do.

WH e-mailed back the sort of response I expected:

Patted himself on the back for all he's done for us...

Blamed me for supposedly causing the car problem.
(EVERYTHING is ALWAYS my fault - even things that just come up and normal people wouldn't attribute blame about. The car breaking down can't possibly be just because it's got almost 200,000 miles on it... It MUST have been something I did wrong. I could see his attitude making sense if I had totaled it drunk driving or didn't change the oil on schedule.)

Nope - he can't help.

Now why couldn't he just say that last part? I already suspected he might not be able to help with something so expensive. Why does his inability to fill a need of mine always have to involve defending himself as if I've criticized him, blaming me (there has to be something wrong with me if I need something he can't give), and anger at me? Sheesh!

I bet he's already complained to his mommmy and sisters that I somehow ruined the car.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

OK,

Have arranged rides for daughters to get to their activities for next few days.

A friend is loaning me her car for a couple of hours Saturday (so I can drive her son & my daughter to ballroom dance lesson). I can get some grocery shopping done while they are at the dance lesson.

Will get a copy of the city bus schedule.

Will arrange to have daughters ride to Rhode Island competition with teammates, and stay in their hotel room.

Having car towed to another place for 2nd opinion.

Can't afford the rental car, even with AAA discount, but noticed a Rent-A-Wreck option in phone book... (Can't really afford anything more in budget right now though - already rely on fundraising, discounts/freebies and bartering to help with kids' extracurricular activities that are required as part of homeschooling)

Have absolutely no extra $ to buy another car with, there is a mysterious lien on this car so I can't sell it wihtout that loan being paid off, can't afford to fix this car...

Should I respond to the WH's refusal to help?
Since he probably really can't help right now, I feel what's the point of even asking anymore?
Also, I'm pretty sure he would just get hostile and with the way I feel right now, so would I.

Part of me wants to e-mail him a list of everything that's going wrong right now, daughter back in hospital, rent overdue, etc.
With a normal, sane person it could facilitate the end of the midlife crisis, adultery, whatever... But we're talking about somebody who is not merely temporarily insane just because of his midlife crisis and adultery.
With my WH I'm afraid it would be more like the breaking point that sends him totally berzerk instead of the turning point after hit the bottom. Still, I feel he shouldn't be shielded from consequences and reality. And I shouldn't let fear of his reaction determine my choices.
Besides, I really feel like spoiling any fun he might be having right now while his wife and daughters are struggling to just get by.

I know I need to become more independent so I don't have to rely on WH anymore. But I don't know what to do for transportation meanwhile and how to get caught up financially. I wanted to move out of this house last year, didn't want to sign another year's lease, but couldn't afford deposits to move. WH had promised daughters he would help us with the money for deposits to move but then backed out on promise.

I'm in that category where I have just enough money to not qualify for any public assistance, but don't really have enough money to keep from slipping farther behind.

We may have to move closer to relatives, even if it's just for a while to get caught up. The reasons my daughters want to stay here, their activities, we won't be able to afford anymore anyway. But my relatives are not in a position to be that much help either...