Hi Everyone,
This is my first time joining an online chat room. I am in desparate need of getting advise on whether or not I should tell my husband that I cheated on him last Saturday night.
My husband and I have been married for nearly two years. I have been friends with him since high although we did not date.
To begin, I have had many "melt downs" regarding our sex life but after reading articles on this website, I understand that most of our issues relate to overall "emotional needs"(so glad there is a name for it:-.
My husband works quite a bit and is very stressed b/c of this. We have gone for extended periods of time (2 months) without having sex and bearly kiss.
Anyway, last Saturday night I went to a local bar with some of our mutual friends (obviously my husband was not there). I meet a man at the bar (whom I have never meet before) and left the bar with him. I have no idea if any of my friends saw me leave with him. I proceeded to kiss him in his car and then go to his apartment. Honestly, all we did was "make out" for a lengthy period of time. I then passed out at his apartment, woke up in the wee hours of the morning and he dropped me off not far from my house. As it turns out this man lives within a mile of us and belongs my gym (my husband does not belong to the gym. I will cancel my membership as to decrease the chances of seeing this man again. When I arrived home early the next morning my husband did not question me. I am assuming that he assumed I slept at my friends house.
Words can not begin to describe how remorseful I feel. It is beyond belief. I would never, ever jeopordize my marriage ever again. I love my husband deeply and understand that there are reasons why I choose to do what I did. In the past, my husband and I have discussed counseling. He very much agreed to go but life became busy, etc. and I never made arrangements. My first instinct is to tell my husband although he would be more than devasted. Do I take it to my grave and recieve marriage counseling? Any advise is very much appreciated. I am trying to put myself in my husbands shoes and really feel that if the tables were turned I would not want to know. Thank you so much for reading this and hopefully responding.

Look at the following link especially the part about radical honesty.

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

I believe that in order to build an intimate marital relationship that you both need to be radically honest with each other.

((BeachGirl))

In my humble opinion honesty is the only way to go for several reasons:

1. With only you knowing this, I wonder how the relationship can flourish. If he gets to a point where he is doing not good things then maybe out of guilt you’ll accept his behavior while building resentments.

2. Other people saw you leave together or what if he tells someone? Would you rather be confronted by your husband in anger by this or tell himself?

3. Where are your husband’s rights? Doesn’t he have the right to know that the woman he’s vowed to left a bar with some John and went to his apartment? Then doesn’t he have the right to decide where to go from here? Without this, in my opinion, your entire relationship from this point on is based on lies, even if they are lies of omission. Whereas a strong relationship is built on a foundation of honesty, which you can’t pick when you want to be honest and when you don’t.

4. Did you go to this bar with the intentions of picking some guy up and going back to his place for whatever? NO!!!!! You can say you won’t do it again all you want, but I bet you said that before it happened. So bottom line, you can’t be trusted. You need someone to hold you accountable for your actions to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

5. Should you guys decide to go into counseling, if he has knowledge of this, it lets him know how weak the marriage was/is.

Hello beachgirl,

Welcome to MB.

I went back and read your other posts.

Complete honesty is needed here and in all cases IMO.You have to lay all the cards on the table now in order to have any chance at a meaningful and honest marriage/relationship.What may help matters is if you talk to your H about your failures and that you are remorseful and willing to make ammends.Your H will most likely be very angry and hurt but he has a right to know what you have been doing.Lies almost always come out one way or another and it's infinitely better if he finds out from you.

Also,you mentioned that you passed out at this man's Apt.Do you know if he took advantage of you sexually? Have you considered being tested for STD's ?

You may feel that you don't want to know what your H did if the roles were reversed but that might be your inner fears talking.Having that lie between you would only erode any trust you had,insidiously.

EN's are only one possible "reason" why a spouse may decide to cheat but in all honesty,it's not a reason at all IMO.No matter how things were in your marriage prior to the bar scene,making the choice to go home with this STRANGER and taking a big risk was all yours.Infidelity is the never the answer to any problem,it makes thing so much worse and destroys marriages and families.

The good news is you do sound very sorry for what you did and I hope your H will give you a chance here to make this marriage what you BOTH want.You both have the ability to do so if you put your hearts and minds to it.

And you do both need counseling in my opinion.Your marriage isn't in the best shape I would venture to say and your H cannot work himself to an early grave either when he has a living, breathing wife at home.He needs to stop and smell the roses once in a while.Start off with a clean slate.Tell your H.

Hang in there.We are here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O