I have recently completed a victim/offender program & thought it would be helpful if I posted some do's & don'ts when dealing w/victims. The program I was in was for criminal behavior, but the same holds true for victims of infidelity as well. Your thoughts are well appreciated.

Don't Say...
"I understand how you feel..."
"you're lucky it wasn't worse..."
"Don't worry it'll be ok..."
"Calm down. Relax..."
"Try to be strong..."

Instead, do Say....
"I'm sorry it happened..."
"I'm glad you're talking to me..."
"It wasn't your fault..."
"I can't imagine how terrible you're feeling..."
"You're not going crazy..."

Problems that occur in usually every victim's life:
Physical - Nightmares, fatigue, weight loss, etc.
Intellectual - Trouble concentrating, flashbacks, loss of memory or irrational decisions
Emotional - Sanctity & security of life violated, loneliness, depression, sadness, fear, self-pity & helplessness
Relational - Disruption of interpersonal relationships
Financial - Counseling, loss of income, lose jobs due to physical or emotional injuries
Spiritual - Loss of faith, guilt, anger interfering w/belief & value systems, increased faith, reliance on God, re-evaluation of spiritual beliefs
Employment-Related - Dysfunctional or could be workaholic
Media - Don't believe this is affected (or it could be like in MommyCBaby's case where she was on TV)
Legal/Judicial - Lawyers involved, custody battles, etc.

Thought this could be helpful when dealing w/newcomers to infidelity.

Love in Christ,
Y

Wow, this is awesome. Thanks for posting it. I should print it for my family.

Can I add to this,heres my worst thing that I heard and I despise it...

"everything happens for a reason"

EW

Ah yes, and then there's the well-meaning folk who say "It must be God's will."

Standing - Great post! I'll copy it and try to remember. I've been guilty of many of the phrases.

Another one that I hate - after I had a miscarriage - you can always have another baby. I wanted THAT baby. The child I carried was not replaceable.

And the oft stated " I KNOW how you feel".

I usually say that I can understand or sympathize with how the A is affecting someone because I have indeed been through it myself.I will not,however,claim to KNOW what another another is feeling.You cannot.

O

Ugh believer, someone said that to you? That's the most insensitive thing I've ever heard.

I actually don't like to hear ANY of those statements, not even "It's not your fault..." I prefer that people just let me feel what I'm feeling (or not feeling, as the case may be). I've never been big on people, well pitying me (I know it's not really pity, but that's what it feels like), I can't stand to think anyone is thinking "Oh poor Caren". I have always been that way.

I think that people who are going through something like this and have a need to talk, just let them talk, let them know you're listening, you don't have to give your opinion, you can just be there for them while they work it out themselves.

-Caren

Elegant ,

OMG! I'm guilty of that too! Only b/c I truly believe it. I believe everything happens for a purpose under God's divine plan. I didn't realize that I could be offending someone by saying it! Thanks for the headsup!

AD ,

That almost sounds like it's God's will for people to be miserable and that's far from the case!

Believer ,

I can't believe someone actually had the nerve to say that to you! If someone's at a loss for words for a victim & all they can think of is to say THAT, then probably the better thing to say would be, "I don't know what to say." Honesty approach. I think most people would understand THAT a heck of a lot more than something lame.

Octobergirl ,

I KNOW what you mean! LOL

Caren ,

And what people will usually find, if you let victims process their own thoughts on their own time, they usually always come to the conclusions of, "it must be God's will" or "everything happens for a reason" or something similar to those lines. It's a lot different coming from the victim themselves rather than the person talking to them.

Good responses. Let's keep them coming!

Love in Christ,
Y

ST,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I KNOW what you mean! LOL </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Silly goose

B,

I did a short stint on the L&D /Maternity ward and I heard a couple other NURSES telling their patients this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Not good.But,that was years ago.Hopefully they have been EDUCATED now! Oooh that used to make me mad.

I was on TV???? Where was I when this happened??

How about "chin up"....ARG!! I hear that constantly from WH himself. My chin has to be up, I'm paying the bills, running the house, and taking care of the kids. I think it's self-richeous coming from him.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: MommyCBaby ]</small>

Ya'll can't forget to add the infuriating "just get over it".

Dobie

How about: "Keep Smiling!": "Where's your smile?"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'll tell you where my smile is!@#$%^&.Always hated that one.

LOL

"It wasn't meant to be..."

I hate that one. When I had my m/c...Logically, I KNOW THAT, YOU FREAK....my heart doesn't speak logic all the time, though.

(((sniff))) Someone hit me with a 2x4 if I ever utter those words.

***Edited to add: I find that ((((squidges)))) convey the support and empathy I want to send along, without having the cumbersome words to muck up the works.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: Dealan-de ]</small>

What I hated was when people would tell me what to expect from my feelings. They would go through the stages w/me over & over, especially if they had been through a breakup. And on top of that, try to get me "out dating" as a way of "taking my mind off things". How was I supposed to do that when all I wanted was my HUSBAND home? I wasn't single & they were trying to get me to act like I was. Wasn't he the one that was doing that & it was WRONG for him to do that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Y

Wow.
You have great insight here. I heard most of these in recent months.

What is really amazing is you have the words to use instead. This is going to be very useful.

Infidelity strikes out at the essense of what I once believed was the American Dream...