I have been following you for the most part, and find myself going to links on your threads. (very enlightning) I just have a couple of questions for you that I hope will help me. I know our stories are not similar but, we both have a WW/FWW.

First; Have you forgiven Squid?

Second; If not, what will it take for you to
forgive her?

and last; sometimes you are calm, patient and kind, and other times you seem so angry, I find myself angry out of the blue sometimes also, my question is how do you control this emotion when it rears it's head?

I do value your opinion!
Thanks

Hi H-n-H,

I'm not Bob, but I'd like to take a shot at your questions if you don't mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First; Have you forgiven Squid? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the deeper question is how can you forgive someone after they've hurt you so badly... Yes you can.

For me, forgiving her was a process... I told her that I forgave her when she finally confessed all of her A's to me... but I didn't really know what all I was forgiving at the time. As we went through the process of rebuilding our M, I had to make a choice to forgive my W as new information came out...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Second; If not, what will it take for you to forgive her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, it took consistent, honest actions by my W over a period of almost a year for me to start learning to trust her... as she became more open to answering my questions, I would forgive any new information that she shared with me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> sometimes you are calm, patient and kind, and other times you seem so angry, I find myself angry out of the blue sometimes also, my question is how do you control this emotion when it rears it's head? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Journaling my feelings really helped me when a trigger would hit. I'd write down everything that I was feeling and how I 'felt' about my W... then I'd try to write at least 5 good, positive things about my W... I filled up a bunch of notebooks... eventually, my W and I burned all of them together...

Are you guys in MC? If not, that would be the best recommendation that I could give you... make sure that the MC you work with is pro-marriage and that both you and your W are 'comfortable' with them. If you're not, then find another one...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF, check out my other thread about one timeA. some info on that one. Thanks for the info.

Hey H-n-H, I replied to your other thread... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi HNH

First; Have you forgiven Squid?
I started teh process, yes. That is, I actively chose never to hold her infidelity over her as a punishmnent not will I expect or demand reparation for it.

It wasn't really a choice - I had been dragging rocks of hatred around in my heart for months - I HAD to put them down. I'm not fully sure what I am forgivingyet, and I am learning that forgiveness is an intention, or a process not a one-time event like it is with God.

Yes, I have "forgiven" her. I will not go back on that commitment.

Second; If not, what will it take for you to
forgive her?
See above. I HAD to let my hatred and righteous indignation go. I love the girl, I couldn't work on carrying our marriage while I wa salso carying poison rocks of hatred.

and last; sometimes you are calm, patient and kind, and other times you seem so angry, I find myself angry out of the blue sometimes also, my question is how do you control this emotion when it rears it's head?
I am ALWAYS patient and kind at home. I only vent here or at the gym.

The gym has been part of my salvation, allowing me to work out my agression in a safe environment hat actually HELPS me, rather than breaking me down.

Pre-A, I used to blow up at Squid when we argued then we'd sulk for DAYS AND DAYS avoiding conflict and resolution. Not getting angry is part of the plan A Bob. A work in progress but better for everyone.

I hope this helps.

Bob