Here is my stitch:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037214

I am at the point now where I feel I want to expose it (already did to her, and she confirmed her sister and 2 friends know), especially to the OM and his relatives.I am thinking about calling him, his mom and any relatives I can find. Or sending him my Plan B letter (minus the no contact).

But.....

I am afraid it will only anger her more and drive them both together. She separated and then had the affair (she swears they were only friends until after we separared...and I believe her).

So, whats a person to do? Lets hear the pro's and cons please. If I do it, it's going to be within the next day or so!!!!

Separated-

OMG, my WH said THE EXACT same thing. *We didn't start seeing each other until 2 months after we separated* I said "You didn't start *seeing* each other or you didn't start *sleeping* with her?".

If she separated from you to have the affair, there was at the very LEAST an EA going on.

Anyway, that wasn't your question. Is she still having the A?? If so, then yeah, I'd expose to anyone you think would have influence.

I was going to say not to call the OM, but ya know, I called the OW and left a message telling her that I knew...etc., but let me tell you that OP's aren't very cooperative.

Where did she meet the OM? Does she work with him?

Why don't you list the people you are planning on exposing to on here, so you can get some feedback. And YES she will get mad at you, but too damn bad. (The anger usually doesn't last very long).


-Caren

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Don't believe for a moment that this OM isn't involved with the separation.

You have nothing to lose by exposure. Expose in expanding concentric circles, startng with the people that ought to be the most influential in both of their lives then working your way out. Concentrate on people you know personally. When you expose to a stranger, you will be regarded as a lunatic and the reason for the separation. Sad but ture. This doesn't mean you should NOT expose to strangers, just hold off on them till last, if needed. Surgical strike first, carpet bombing later.

This WILL anger her and perhaps temporarily "drive" them together. But you have no choice, she's filing for divorce and you need to play hardball.

ok, it is always best to expose the affair. It doesn't matter if it makes them mad, it makes them mad for the RIGHT REASON, i.e. it interferes with their affair and causes great conflict.

Your marriage will survive exposure, it won't survive an ongoing affair. And exposure CAN often hasten the end of the affair by creating great discomfort and embarrassment. Exposure ruins the fantasy aspect of the affair when it is no longer "secret."

What you have to determine is WHO to expose to. There should be a purpose to each exposure. For example, there are good reasons to expose to OM's family; on the other hand, there would no reason to expose to OM's neighbor. See what I mean?

My suggestion would be to make a list of KEY people to expose to and do it all in one fell swoop. It will be a lovebuster, so it is best to get it all over in ONE blow, rather than several. And you want to do it all at once so that the affairees don't get wind of it and pre-empt you. If they pre-empt you, then they will call key people and spin you into a jealous, insane nut. She has probably already told people who "abusive" you are and that is why she left you.


And I would definitely call the OM and ask him what his intentions are for your wife. I suspect it won't do you alot of good, though. He already knew she was married and didn't care about that. I doubt he will care now. Just don't let him bait you into a fight or anything.

Melody and I tend to disagree on exposure to the OP. All of my contacts with the OP, well it was a woman, proved to be awful and a setback.

I agree with exposure though to all others.

The important thing for the OP to know is that you are not giving up on your marriage.

Thank you everyone. Seems the consensus is to expose, expose, expose.

Here are the players:
Her Father (whom I already told but he hasnt disclosed it to her)
Her Mother
Her younger Sister
Her 2 closest friends know (I confirmed with her).

Now for him. I want to express to him to leave her alone, he is crossing boundaries he shouldnt cross. And then maybe his Mom/Dad if I can find them.

As for her, I am not sure what to do. I havent had any contact with her family for awhile - they love me and dont want the marriage to end, but I am really afraid it may push her over the edge...meaning, I think she is depressed anyway, so I need to think about this. I kinda feel like my best route is to call him, copy him on the letter I am sending her, then call his immediate relatives and explain the situation.

Decisions, decisions.

Thanks again.

SH, here are some things I know.

First, the chicken/egg thing. Your W left and wants a D because of the affair. There is not a doubt. She's a textbook WS. Don't let her get away with that "I was planning to leave anyway" jive.

Second, whenever you let fear guide your decisions, you will wind up feeling you were weak and helpless when you should have taken action.

I say scorch the earth with the truth. Tell everyone whose knowledge will make the affair less comfortable.

GC

I heartily agree with all the previous posters, with one thing to add. Pick the primary exposee's (that a word?) and do the exposure in one fell swoop. Don't make this a 4 day process. In fact, if possible, do it all in 2 hours.

It's your "shock and awe" bomb. Don't tell ANYONE you're going to do it; make it a surprise.

Lastly, if your WW has told you some people know and other people don't, don't believe her. Make sure everyone you want to know hears it from YOU, firsthand.

Remember, you are exposing out of love for your W and with a desire to save your marriage, not out of vengence. It is not your intent to destroy anything, except the Affair.

Best Wishes,
SD

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Separated,

After 32 years my x told me that she loved me like a brother <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> – If you hang around long enough you’ll hear very similar things said from the WS. They have to rationalize this you know.
Your situation is a little unique from many in that you were already separated. I could see where some WS could take this rationalization a step further, like telling people that the marriage was over emotionally, just not legally, so what is the big deal.

I am generally in agreement to exposing the A. In your situation I would have to say I am not sure what is the intent with exposing it to so many people. Forgive me, but frankly you may be taking it to extremes. It almost seems that you want to publish it in the paper and on cable TV. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I agree that it seems too coincidental for her to initiate the separation then, have the “A” – It would make more sense that she was having the “A” and that precipitated the separation. Otherwise, IMHO it sure seems obvious that for whatever reason she does not want to be married to you and was looking for an “A” – either way, exposing her to the world will not endear her to you. This is not to say that you don’t have certain rights to expose this to certain people, for one thing to set the record straight. I don’t think any WS wants to be exposed, but I learned that given that they know you are not telling anyone they have freedom to spin their own tales to justify their action of leaving, ect.

I believe it would make sense to tell her immediate family & yours as to what is happening, for sure. I don’t know what would benefit from calling the OM? Do you plan to scare him or challenge him in some way or are you going to ask him for charity in your behave? Is he married? If he is married or a steady girlfriend (if he is such a catch, why would he not be with someone else?), then I would tell them on the basis that if it were you, you would want to know.

Someone told me that I could not force my X to love me. I highly recommend James Dobson’s book, “Love Must Be Tough” Sometimes we have to take a difficult stand and not be quit so easy to give in to their whishes – it has to be a two way street and you have every right to ask for certain things – if you are always asking for her to come back or striking out to hurt her; either way, you may not be doing the best thing to "win" her back. You cannot demand her to do certain things becasue f the marriage contract, we know she does not honar that, right?
Actions can speak louder than words at times – you know we sometimes value things more, when they appear not to be so easily attainable. Maybe you can try too hard to win her attention. Maybe the protrayal of thestrong silent type woudl have more appeal. If she says she wants to go, let her go (for now). You don't want to become a welcome matt that she wipes her feet on, right? Dobson says that sometimes you have to let the Tiger out of it’s cage, so to speak. If it (The tiger - Your WW)does not come back, then that shows it was not yours to begin with. If it (her) comes back then you know you have something.
I don’t think you can force her back by exposing her to everyone.
So many ways to deal with this stuff – not an easy deal. Work on your self!! You deserve it!
Best of Luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Peace be with you.

HH

Regarding some of what HH wrote... here's why you shouldn't be scared of the truth getting out.

I exposed my wife's A to my in-laws the same weekend she told them she wanted to leave me. She hadn't told them anything about the A. In fact, she spent that weekend with them, and when she was supposed to be on soul-searching walks in the woods, she was actually hooking up with OM.

Anyway, what I told them that same weekend was starkly different from what they'd heard from her. They remember that she fed them a line that weekend, and they have known from the start that this relationship is disreputable. The sparrow planned to have everybody think her and OM's friendship and affair started after our separation. Exposure killed that plan.

Did it save my marriage? Nope.

But the last time I had communication with them, my in-laws still did not support my WW. They would not let her stay with them, and they would not give her any money to help with the D. My wife's stepfather was a BS long ago. He's also well connected in legal and financial circles. He's not giving my WW any help through these channels.

If they believed her version of the story, things might be different.

Exposure of the truth about your wife's A may save your M, and it may help you in other unexpected ways.

Sure it will make her angry. But it will not make the end of your marriage any more LIKELY. Get my meaning?

Don't be afraid to tell.

GC

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Thank you everyone for your input.

And yes, she has told me she loves me like a brother.

It went like this. We got into a big argument, and she said she wanted a divorce. We avoided talking about it. During this time, the guy started calling about work. I believe at that point she was 'falling' for him, but that nothing happened. The rest is a disaster. She has rationalized, justified in every way imaginable. 'We shouldnt have gotten married'. 'I just want to be happy'. 'We weren;t meant to be together'. And the best: 'I believe God put him in my life so I can feel this way again'.

Now...she didnt actually see him until the end of December, so I am guessing she was falling for him. The argument occured Dec 7th, I confronted her with an email I found on Dec 22nd. I left the house about the 15th (I am since back in and told her she had to leave for beatraying me). Since then, mostly downhill. She knows how she feels, etc etc.

So...I am left to desparate measures. Its not that I want to broadcast anything - I just want it to stop (again, she says she stopped talking to him 'for me') and to save my marriage, by almost any means possible - save for anything against my morals, values, etc. Meaning, if I call him its not to threaten him but rather to appeal to any shred of character he might have and personalize for him.

Very very helpful everyone. I think I need to open the floodgates to an extent and expose it all for what it is. The final straw was, and get this, she actually looked for houses where he lives!!! Aliens have abducted her? Nope, she has become on herself. She has literally lost her mind.

The only good is she supposed started therapy for herself today (I have been going since it occured)....so, that might help as well.

Thanks again all, I appreciate it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Regarding some of what HH wrote... here's why you shouldn't be scared of the truth getting out.

I exposed my wife's A to my in-laws the same weekend she told them she wanted to leave me. She hadn't told them anything about the A. In fact, she spent that weekend with them, and when she was supposed to be on soul-searching walks in the woods, she was actually hooking up with OM.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would agre with that.
Understand, I am in favor of exposure. I sat with her while she called her parents & our adult children to explain in general terms what she had done. I called to OM's wife. She had involved her boss in spines and tales & I had told her -- Our immeditate friends - the same.
I just got the impression that Sep was about to announce it to the world. Like others have said, I would caution to show some constraint and let there be good reason.
I had a friend question whether I should have told my children. For me, in my situation is was definately the right thing to do. They needed to know the truth --

Sep,
As others have said, the WS, in general is known for not making sense in a lot of what they say & do - they call it being in the FOG. So don't take a lot of what she says as being well thought out & true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Hang in there!
HH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by separatedhubby:
<strong> .

Meaning, if I call him its not to threaten him but rather to appeal to any shred of character he might have and personalize for him.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sep.
I would not count on that - who can say? He may be really rampt up on her as th elove of his life? This appeal thing I feel would appear weak.
If anything, I would call to try and learn his side of it & if I let my imagination run, maybe even trow in some tricky, deseptive comments or questions to try & see if you can uncover some differences -- Calmness is key, but firmness as well.
I am wondering does Harley recommend calling the OM in this kind of senerio? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I believe your WW has to commit to ending the A & working on the marriage, briningg the OM into the mix & asking him to back off just doesn't sound like a good thing to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Her going to counseling is excellant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Peace,
HH