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How do you help your BS to meet your EN's when he has his walls up and won't let anyone in? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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That's a good question. I am a BS, and I can tell you ALL ABOUT walls. Ummmm, I don't know, I guess I've never looked at it from a WS standpoint, have you tried giving him the Emotional Needs Questionnaire that's on this site??? Print off 2 copies, you take one, and he should take one. Then you can both find out what your emotional needs are.
Ummmmm I dunno, someone else wanna give her some feedback? Should she be concentrating on her BS's ENs?
Sorry, someone more versed in this should come along here soon.
-Caren
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Lisa, as the WS you need to do your best to meet the BS' needs and grow and change so your BS can slowly take their walls down. Those walls are likely from the need to protect himself from the hurt. It takes time, it is absolutely devastating to be a BS. Yes, being a WS is also painful especially when you come out of the fog and realize the pain you caused your loved one but your BS had the rug pulled out from under him by you and he needs to be sure you won't do it again. Are you two in MC? IC?
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Lisa,
The most essential thing that you have to do is make sure that you make it safe for your H to talk to you. Do not pass judgement on what he says. Listen without interrupting him. Do not ask leading questions. Most people really do want to talk - if somebody will listen to them in the right way.
If you have any bad conversation habits (judgemental listening, for example), you may not even be aware of it. It may just be a habit you picked up in childhood.
If your H will agree and you can find somebody to help you, have the third person just listen and make notes. Or record the conversation. Then, go back over it and analyse your reponses to him - how you related to him in the conversation. You might be shocked at what you find.
-AD
<small>[ March 08, 2005, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>
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<small>[ March 14, 2005, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]</small>
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<small>[ March 14, 2005, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]</small>
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<small>[ March 14, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]</small>
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The thing is I believe I am meeting his needs. Trying to get him to tell me what they are is the difficult part. I do know he likes SF. I have not told him about this site. I am trying to change and learn about myself first.
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Lisa,
Another possibility is that he grew up with very critical parents - and just learned that the less he said, the less they had to critisize.
Also, in general, men speak, in an average day, half as many words as women do - and they are much less in tune with emotional vocabulary - so it may just be a guy thing. He may not even know the answers to your questions because he does not have the vocabulary to describe it, and because he hasn't "listened to his inner voice" enough to know.
-AD
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I need to share some other important information. I am his second wife. His XW cheated on him with 3 Marines. There were no children involved. He was married for less than a year. We were older when we got married. We are a military family with a lot of previous family history affecting our relationship. This putting up of walls is how he has dealt with everything in his life and he also can stop getting involved in other activities to keep his mind off of things.
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He may not even know the answers to your questions because he does not have the vocabulary to describe it, and because he hasn't "listened to his inner voice" enough to know. You just described my WH to a tee.
Lisa, counseling is the only way we even began to break down my H's walls and even then it is hard to tell when someone is being honest about their feelings. What does your intuition tell you is going on with you H?
AD is right on about making it safe for your H. That is your responsibility as the WS to create a safe environment for your H. It takes time. How long since your dday?
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just a little comment re FF's comments...
I don't think it is a question of honesty about feelings. If a person doesn't know what he/she feels - or doesn't have a world view in which the thing you call feelings even exists, he cannot answer your questions - no matter how honest he is. If you insist on answers, you will get them, but they may be of little value. He will just be trying to figure out what you want to hear.
It's kinda like going to the optometrist. She shows you two blurry slides and ask "Which is better <click>A or <click>B". You say "let me see them again". <click>"A or <click> B", she says. You sigh and say "A, I guess".
-AD
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Well the DD for him was June 1997 and 2004 July.
We have been in counseling for all most a year with no real changes. He is like an ostrich in the sand. I think that if he doesn't have to look at it it doesn't exist.
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He thinks our relationship is just fine now and I know it is not because my needs are not being met and we can't communicate unless I do the talking and asking questions. He rarely brings things up for discussion. Yes, I believe I have met his EN's, but he just can't open himself up to me or anyone. He is a loner too. I am the closest he has to a best friend.
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