I need help in filling ENs.

Wife in ongoing EA/PA with a man. Living at home, actively looking to get a job and move out. DDay was 2/13.

I immediately went into Plan A and am enjoying it. I'm exercising, helping out TONS around the house, playing with the kiddos. Every day I wake up happy, she gets a bit more agitated, a bit more angry, a bit shorter. She looks for every reason to leave the house at night so we don't have to be alone. She won't make small talk with me. I haven't brought up the OM in at least a week, and never initiate R talk.

She calls just now and wants to know if I'm in it for the kids or for her. Of course I say her as I know what we can and should have had. She offers to live in the extra bedroom if it's for the kids.

She says she's out of love with me, that "we're done", that she's not interested in me, that she doesn't want to give me false hope by being nice, that she doesn't want to work on things or see a MC/IC. She also said it makes her even more angry when I help around the house, as it's something I didn't do for the many years we were together. And every day when I do something it makes her more angry.

She's still going out with her new circle of friends (that I don't know) 3 or so nights a week and otherwise enjoying the single life while I baby sit. I'm now going out with my buddies once a week as well just to give me some balance.

My heart is killing me and I'm having trouble sleeping. She's having headaches and stomach aches and is also having problems sleeping. It's indeed a labor to be happy in the face of contempt and disregard I receive, but I know it has got to be part of the process.

Day by day she seems to get more angry that I'm not agreeing to the D, and stay upbeat. I did a 180 as best I could, and plan on sticking to it.

So to my question...
How do I break through this wall she has and allow her to see that it'll be hard, but possible to work things out?

I have to add that while I respect her boundaries to an extent (Ie - not kissing her on the lips), I still kiss her on the head at bedtime, scratch her back, give her a quick wink, etc. I feel this may annoy her, but I know of no other way to show my attraction and interest in her. Also, she will not "go on a date" or "go have lunch together" with me. It'd be too "weird" and "uncomfortable".

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: Moriarty ]</small>

Just keep it up, man! Don't you see, it's working already?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She's getting angrier and angrier because you're systematically taking away every excuse she gave herself to justify the affair. The longer you continue to fill her EN's the more difficult it is going to be for her to justify the way she's been treating you and your marriage.

I know it's difficult, but you're doing everything right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good work! Good luck! And CONTINUE to pamper yourself, too (exercise is great!). The more independent you become - emotionally, physically, financially, the more attractive you will be to your W (and other women - which might also help) and the better you will FEEL about yourself!

Big Hugs!
AVNL

P.S. About the sleeping, have you seen your dr. about a sleep-aid? During my (sloppy) Plan A / B Ambien and Ativan were my very best friends. Talk to your Dr. - he'll understand and help, I promise! Also, try meditation, yoga, or a relaxing walk before bedtime. Hope this helps...

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: aVictimNoLonger ]</small>

You are doing it exactly right - don't expect her to return any ENs - expect the opposite. The job of Plan A is to plant seeds that may sprout later when your WS thinks back to who you are....and sees the person they really want.

Keep it up!

David

Hi MOR:

You are doing great! The key to keep the focus on yourself, YOUR PLAN! Be the best person, husband, father that you can be. This is for you, feeling better about yourself.

Do not expect to see a break through the wall. I'm not sure if she is having continued contact with the OM. If she is, she is in a fog. If she is not, she is going through withdrawal. The fog is real!! It's like an addiction to alcohol or any other drug. Her goal now is to justify her actions to herself. The more PLAN A that you do, the more she feels the need to justify.

She is following the standard script. The exact same words and actions came out of my FWH. Hang in there! Do not let her steer you off track! That's what she wants you to do. Make yourself alluring and attractive to her so that she will make the moves towards you. Do not be too forward and especially don't be demanding.

Don't expect anything from her at this point. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS on YOURSELF and YOUR PLAN.

Thanks, guys!

I just see her getting more angry by the day, and me still not able to fulfill her #1 EN of communication. I know she is at least having some contact with the OM, though I believe it isn't every day.


So do I just keep on the current course of taking care of myself and let her come to me? I hate the awkwardness of being together right now, and don't know how to help it lift.

And yes, she does notice what I've done and I've told her I'm being the best person I can be. I can't make her stay, but want her to stay and work on things.

Mor,

From your post it seems your W is the one keeping you from fulfilling her #1 EN, she is still trying to have OM fill that EN for now. It is good that she is noticing the things you are doing, it is a step in the right direction. Stay the course, you're doing fine.

My H didn't come out of the fog until two months into a Plan B....then we had a false recovery - twice. These things take time, though I know it is hard to be patient, try to give it time and patience.

AVNL

Yow.. 2 months into plan B?

I have to say I have mood swings about whether this is worth it or not. I'm not used to getting beat up for days/weeks with no positive signs.

What things should I look for to show that progress is happening? Or will she since there is still NC?

She called me the Stepford Husband last night. And she said she hates me for doing all the things now that she wanted for years. I just wish I would have known for all those years

I am new here, so this may be out of line. It sounds like you have a plan and want to make your marriage work. That's really great, really. Your last post said a lot. She is angry about you trying to give her what she needs when she needs it the least. When she's finished trying. She can't trust that you have changed. Or that if she opens up to you, you won't go whew, now that the crisis is over, I can be my old self again. The first time I got roses from my ex is when I asked for a divorce. It's hard to trust the "new you". My advise is to make sure the "new you" (the one that does housework) is really you. I hope you can show her that.

I agree with Mwolf, if you stay consistent, she will see that the change in you is for real.

And, IMHO, doubts and moodswings are normal. If you look at the future in terms of months or years of recovery it will be difficult to stay motivated. Try looking at things one day at a time.

Try not to be too upset about the stepford husband comment. She's lashing out, this is normal behavior for a WS. This too shall pass.

Keep up the good work and keep us updated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS.
Quote "And she said she hates me for doing all the things now that she wanted for years. I just wish I would have known for all those years :/"

Are you sure you didn't know for all those years? Try to think back and see if you can remember times when your W asked you for more help with the kids, or the housework, or the errands...

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: TheMourningAfter ]</small>

Good question. I suppose I did know, but discounted it because it wasn't really discussed or brought up as an issue.

I felt it was understood that I took care of work and she took care of home. If I tried to help she'd sit me down and say that she'd take care of it.

She's still enjoying her "single life", but I believe I do see a crack in the hard exterior. This morning she said she thinks she misses me, which is a first.

Moriarty,
It sounds like your on the right track. Last June when my WH told me "can't see growing old with you" I started my own plan A, but I hadn't found this site and didn't know I was doing plan A. But my WH reaction was the same. "This can't last." or "if you did this 10years ago it would make a difference" The changes I made were positive ones and help me feel better about myself. He is in withdrawl and doesn't want to accept anything from me. i.e. even a glass of soda "I'll get my own". Any ideas on how to break through this?

Moriarty and Confused,

As the others have said, you are doing great. Keep it up. One thing the WS is very afraid of is that your positive changes are temporary. The last thing they want is to give up the OP, who was making them feel great, only to have you do a 'gotcha', reverting to the old, 'non-EN-filling' ways.

I, too did not find MB right away, but I, unwittingly started a 'home-made' Plan A, that actually looked almost the same as Harley's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H was very reluctant to accept the changes I was presenting. Just like you, I was exercising (lost 25 lbs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) , putting great dinners on the table every night, backrubs galore, arranging dates, sexy nightgowns (for me, not for H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) . I couldn't understand why H wasn't jumping out of skin with happiness. Finally, he told me he was scared that, in a few weeks or months, I would stop it all, and things would go back to the way thy were.

Finally, after 2 or 3 months of consistency in filling ENs, H started to relax, and things got dramatically better. The Fog also plays a big role in this, as well.

My advice: (I got this from Dr. Ellen Kreidman, "Light Your Fire" author - great book) Give without expecting to receive. Your S will come around; just be consistent.

Blessings
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me-FBW-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs e great kids
A-2/03-5/05 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr-9/3/04
In recovery with God's help