This is my first posting but I have been coming here taking in all the great information for about a year. My question for all the "veterans" out there is how do you know when enough is really enough? I mean you can only do so much and at what point does it become clear what you need to do? My story in a nutshell is this. I am a BS. I discovered the A 2-12-04 and that was just the beginning of all the lies and other A's that I found out about. My WH has told countless lies and while he says how sorry he is and all that I don't really know if there is anything left to save the M. We have two children ages 14 and 10 and I have been hanging in not for them, but they have given me a reason to try and work things out. But my WH just doesn't have a clue about pretty much everything. How many times can you have the same conversation about the same things with the same outcome (which is usually nothing!). Anyone in the same situation??

Only YOU can decide when you've had enough.

Only YOU can decide when you've had enough.

My H has had 2 PA's (Same Woman) and one EA (different woman). After two false recoveries, IMO, the third false recovery would be the last.

I am determined to divorce him if he cheats again. I have already reached the point "enough is enough". I know that I cannot, will not, deal with one more infidelity. For me it's three strikes and you're out (in regard to false recoveries).

We've come up with some ground rules for contact with OW (since OC is involved, NC isn't quite possible right now) if he breaks any of those rules a total of three times, it's divorce.

I've reached the breaking point, I cannot, will not try to salvage this marriage if there is another affair of any kind.

It's a personal thing, every one is different.

Keep your chin up....good luck.

Hugs,
AVNL

Thanks for the input. A little more background-we have been married for almost 15 years. The A that I discovered last February was a co-worker and lasted for about one year. Then as I began uncovering lie after lie I found out there was an A four months after we were married, then it averaged about every 2-3 years thereafter for a total of 5 that he has admitted to. Could there be more, sure could. I don't think there has been anything going on since I have found out, but I have a really hard time believing he can really change his ways. It's been almost a year and he doesn't seem to exhibit behavior that convinces me that he really understands what happened and what he needs to do to fix it. He says that nothing would be good enough for me and that he is trying. This is the part I get stuck with. Maybe my idea of how things should be is different than his and in his own way he feels he is giving his best shot???

My H also said nothing he did would be good enough to make it up to me. That's BS!

It takes a long time to repair the damage of an affair. What was good enough for me? A long enough period of time that he met my EN's, he was an open book, and we established a good line of communication.

My H was also in the mind set that now that I knew everything I should just be able to get over it and forgive him. Well, he needed to understand that it doesn't work that way and he had to be patient with me.

Are you guys seeing a MC or an IC? IMHO, you and your H don't seem to be communicating, or maybe he just isn't listening. Communication is a big one. It is vital. I think counseling sometimes helps to open the line of communication, but it only works if you both are completely HONEST.

Is he still working with OW?

Well we did see a MC about this time last year, but he was basically telling lies the whole time we went! We went for the visits that we were allowed (by the insurance) which was about 4 or so. At the time I thought we were doing ok, the communication got alot better. But shortly thereafter, I started finding out all the other stuff. I have a gut feeling that there is more that he is not telling me but I have to proof. I don't know if it is just my reluctance to actually trust what he says or if there is more. I actually told him I thought we were just fooling ourself and he begged me to go back to the MC so he is supposed to be setting up another appt. But it seems he does the stuff in his own good time and that just aggravates me. If he was really serious wouldnt he want to make the appt. asap??

Actually he is not working with the OW, but that is more complicated. He was accused of sexual harrassment at work by a few co-workers (OW being one) and while he maintains that they were out to get him because the affair ended I really do not know what went on. But he did quit the job and got another one. Oh and the best part is that my MIL had worked with him and she watched this whole thing unfold and that is another sore topic because he won't even acknowledge that what she did (she and my SIL had asked him to go out a few times with a group from work OW included) was wrong and he defends her saying it was soley his fault. But there are hard feelings now with his side of the family.

Leopard,
I am a male BS. Over the years I have though about cheating tho never crossed the line.

IMHO you are married to a serial cheater. Serial cheaters need IC. There is something in his background/ personality that causes the need to continually cheat.

Post a thread on serial cheaters and those w? experience will respond.

One more thought:

Sounds like your H is pulling the same thing my W did. The info only comes when there is direct proof over a long period of time.

I continue to discover nearly 2.5 years after DDay1.

Write your H a letter tell him it is in his, your best interest to get everything out on the table at once. No more bits and pieces. Tell him it will help with your recovery.

He may or may not bite on this but at least you've set the boundary.

Mac

Thanks Mac, I will try that.