I don't quite know if this is the right place for this post but I am in the weirdest situation...
I have a great friend I have had for about 9 years - we were college buddies and now work within 3 miles of each other. We kept in touch with email and lunch once in a while and he has been invited to my home and is good friends with all my family.
Four years ago I got married to the love of my life. My friend came to our wedding and knows my husband. And a year ago my husband and I went through a very rough period. We worked through our issues and went to counseling. During this time I was under so much stress and my friend always made me laugh and smile by sending me jokes on email and being supportive in incredible ways. I relied on him a lot, even though I never discussed my issues in my marriage in detail with him. But I could always rely on him to put a smile on my face or take me away from it all. I valued him incredibly as a friend.
About 6 months ago he suddenly confessed his love to me. He said he knows it is terrible to say that to a married woman but that he'd been sensing that I am very unhappy. That he had loved me for years and was just never brave enough to say so. That his heart got broken when I married someone else. I was shocked to learn all this and somehow my world was shattered. I ended up telling him as gently as I could that I love my husband.... no matter what we've been through together. That I married him and intend to be with him till death do us part. And that I value our friendship incredibly and hope we can stay friends.
My friend understood but naturally he withdrew from me. I no longer communicated with him often and started missing him terribly. Every once in a while I'd want to reach out to him but I would not want to give him mixed signals. It was only when he was gone that I started to realize how much it meant to have him in my life. I was just miserable. But I clearly knew I don't love him in that way. I only miss his company and friendship. Meanwhile he was mourning me also. So for 6 months now its been a turmoil. We would contact each other once in a while in a communicational spurt but then he would always start talking about his love for me sooner or later and I'd have to cut him out. It keeps repeating over and over and I know this can't continue endlessly. I simply do not know what to do. Have I really lost this 9 year long friendship? Is there a way to salvage it? I stay away because I don't want to be cruel or unfair to him. But I am miserable without him. Sometimes I don't even understand my own feelings anymore. The only thing I know clearly is that I do love my husband as I always have and I will never leave him, nor cheat on him. I just hadn't realized that the loss of a friendship can be this painful, because it feels pretty darn close to feeling heartbroken and I'm constantly fighting urges to contact my friend. What's worse is... I know this ambigous state can't continue for life. At some point we should either go back to being friends the way we have for 9 years or both move on and not contact each other ever again. But how do I speed whatever outcome up? This has been 6 months of getting nowhere.

The friendship cannot exist as it once was, innocent of his declaration of his feeling of love for you. You cannot go back to that.

Being your friend is painful for him. He wants more.

In my opinion, it is kinder to let him go than to attempt being his friend under these circumstances.

~~~~~ What if this were your husband writing this message, and he was describing a female friend of his who had declaired her love for him ~~~~ What would you you advise your husband to do? Call her and try to keep the friendship going, even if she was in love with your husband? ~~~~

I think not...

Best of luck

Pep

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Sala

That's the hard part. Just being friends. At least one usually both grow attached. He was filling needs you have. You miss it now because it's gone. He fell in love with you because you were filling needs he had. Neither of you intended it to go passed friend but at least for him it did. That is how it started with my W and my xbf. He was a real nice guy and wanted to help her in my absence. They became to close. Did you talk to your H about this? What would he want? The most important thing is that no one become a wedge between you and your H. My opinion would be let him go. Sorry if I wasn't any help.

RHM

Have you discussed this with your husband?

If not, why not?

Your answers to these two questions will guide us in answering your original question.

Here's an exercise for you... how would you feel if the friend was a woman? Say she was a homosexual woman who was in love with you. Feel any different?

You will have to grieve the friendship. Trust me, it's better to end it. You can't give him what he wants. I know that sucks. I've lost friendships in the last year. Before I gave up on them, I complained and resisted. I said, "I love these people; I can't give them up." But I had to.

And plus, this dude doesn't deserve your friendship. He tried to get you to have an affair with him! He played the "you're unhappy; I can tell" card. If you'd gone for it, he wouldn't have resisted for a second. What does that say about him? He's a shark circling around the waters of your marriage. And you need shark repellent if your marriage is vulnerable.

Yeah yeah, he's a wonderful sweet person. Who wants your marriage broken up. Who wants your husband's life to be smashed to pieces.

Get rid of this guy. The sooner the better. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he probably doesn't even realize it himself.

As long as you let the relationship survive, it will feed his feelings for you. End it. He won't be in love with you forever. He'll survive.

You shouldn't be his friend.

You can't have it both ways. He's too much of a danger to your M.

GC

Sala, WAT makes a great point. I suspect you would be uncomfortable discussing this with your husband and that's a red flag. And based on your own feelings for this friend I think all of us post affair people can see the danger here.

You don't want to become a daily contributor to this board. The risks simply outweigh the gain. As hard as walking away may seem now, it is nothing when compared to healing from an affair.

I agree with the others. The friendship needs to end. You are addicted to what you emotional needs were getting from the friendship and it will take a while to go through the pain of withdrawal. Each time you've had contact it brought you back to square one.

There is no going back to before he made his profession of love.

Waiting for you to answer Worthatry's questions.

Listen to what gray cloud says...listen closely!!!

My XW had a friend too....he was a coworker...nice guy...had been to my house hundreds of times...went through an ugly divorce...W and I helped him...but I started noticing he was different with her....and me....it was a LONG EA....years..I demanded an end to it. It continued behind my back as we steam rolled to a divorce...after the divorce...the only person she dated??? HIM.....and it ended quickly....

he was not the cause of our divorce but that relationship caused me to go dark on her..I was hurt pretty bad...and still am....

don't do it...once someone professes LOVE for you...it will never be the same....EVER....

let it go that friendship DIED...

I agree with the others.

Furthermore, in reality the friendship ended the moment he confessed his inappropriate feelings for you.

Discuss this ASAP with your husband. HE should be the one you are discussing this with and making this decision with. If your husband is smart he will insist on no further contact with your FORMER friend.

Please read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

My soon-to-be-X husband is a serial adulterer. One of his affairs was with one of my friends, the wife of my husband's best friend. I assure you it simply is not possible to remain friends once this line has been crossed.

Your marriage takes precedence over friendship.
Do all you can to protect your marriage and your husband from this very real threat.

Do not make the mistake of thinking that this is something you can handle, that you don't need to share this with your husband, or that it should not worry or bother your husband.

If you ignore the advice given to you here you will surely regret it and will be facing a much harder thing than the loss of one friend!

Would you be comfortable with your husband remaining friends with a "friend" who has confessed her love for him? I know I surely wouldn't. Don't put yourself into a position you are going to have to hide something more from your husband (which you shouldn't be doing anyways).

Why have you not discussed this with your husband?

You need to nip this in the butt now. Stop turning to someone else for something you should be getting from your husband. If you not, tell him. He doesn't know if you don't tell him.

You still around sala?

I really have nothing "new" to ad, well, maybe a different perspective.

My first thought was that what a nice guy for hangin tough or you as a friend; and suspected what would be coming from your keyboard after that: that he "professed his love for you."

Now, don't want to be too harsh, but, why didn't he express his feelings for you years ago, *before* you got married? He has been in a lustship--not really friendship--for 9 years with you! Sure, I'm sure it felt good to you, but, you had no clue of his feelings either? Sorry, doesn't add up. Answer WAT's questions and that will clue you in.

I do have to give him some credit though by "removing himself" from you. He missed his chance--even if it were to express his true feelings for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was only when he was gone that I started to realize how much it meant to have him in my life. I was just miserable. But I clearly knew I don't love him in that way. I only miss his company and friendship.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this something your husband doesn't fulfill for you?

This "friendship" is a proverbial ticking time bomb for your marriage. Don't let your husband be the one holding it, not having a clue of what's going inside your head.

Best wishes to you.

Sala, I agree with all the others here. You received excellent advice and opinions. You need to let your friend go...but I think deep down in your heart you already know that, don’t you?

Sala, you need to let him go for the sake of your marriage, your husband, yourself and for the sake of your friend... It’s difficult and painful, I know... I have been there myself and I know how it feels to grief the loss of a friendship, but there is no turning back on this one and you CAN’T stay friends with him. Not EVER! If you stay in contact, it will be very unfair towards both your friend and you husband and you will only prolong the painful process of withdrawal for both you and your friend… This friendship is a real danger to your marriage and husband…so let him go... With time and patience both you and your friend will be able to get over this and 'get over' each other. The words ”This will pass too…” is true for everything in life and also for painful experiences like this. You can do this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 02:19 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

A case study in how most affairs start.

Married people should NEVER speak intimately with friends of the opposite sex, only their spouses or counsellors.

Brutal ? Yes but it leads to infidelity.

Sala would youhave held those same conversation swith your 'friend' if you H had been there?

If not, you have been in an EA with him IMO.

I prescribe a No Contact letter and NC for ever if you want to protect your marriage. Is that my hurt speaking because thats how my wifes devastating affair started? Absolultely ! I would save your H my pain, and would save YOU my wife's pain.
All blessings.

Sala,

This is exactly how my FWH’s A started. OW was a college friend with whom he occasionally corresponded. One of them, I still do not know which one, crossed the line and began to confide personal information on marital woes. The friendship evolved into an EM and eventually into a PA. If you love your H, if you care about your friend, you can’t continue to be his friend. The line has been crossed by one of you already, time to retreat.

I recently found an article online (linked to in another thread) that contained some info on adultery. In the article there was a list of options a person considers when they realize they have taken first steps into adultery:

1) You can realize you've made a mistake. Maybe confess it to your spouse (this confession is necessary IMO) and make sure it never happens again (confession is one of the most crucial gurantees you can put in place to ensure it never happens again).

2) You can blame your being tempted on real or imagined shortcomings of your spouse/marriage.

3) You can think you got away with it so far, it was fun, so why not continue?

4) You can assure yourself that you must be 'in love' with this OP and you must have just married the wrong person.

Option one is the only sane, responsible response.

The others are justification and based on fantasy and immaturity.

Choosing options 2-4 will be disastrous.

So, have you told your husband all about this yet?

If not, what are you telling yourself?
Option 1? Or one of the excuses in options 2-4?

BTW, if you came here looking for somebody to assure you that you could still be friends with the OM, I'm sure you've figured out by now that sort of 'support' won't be found here. No doubt you can find it somewhere. But you need to shun such 'support', wherever you might find it, in order to save your marriage AND your sanity.

Very few people, when at the verge of heading down such a disastrous road, have the benefit of the kind of wise advice you have been offered here. You will have absolutely nobody to blame but yourself if you take the wrong road. ALL the resulting consequences to yourself and your spouse will be a heavy burden, much worse than any joy you imagine adultery might bring you.

I also think that along with option #1 you must acknowledge the inappropriate things BOTH you and the OP allowed to happen in order for the inappropriate closeness to develop. People sometimes pretend it was ALL the OP's fault. This gives them an excuse to not address the changes they need to make in themselves. Sometimes people pretend it was ALL their own fault, they defend the OP and pretend the OP was totally innocent. This reveals they are still too naive and vulnerable to the tactics of OP (plus is horribly offensive to the BS).

Confess everything to your husband ASAP.

Acknowledge the ways both you and the OM were guilty in allowing this to happen.

Take all possible precautions to ensure this never happens again.

BTW, IMHO it sounds as if you came here wanting to find support in choosing option #3. You wish you could continue being 'friends' with the OM even though it's now plain that what you thought was just a friendship was an emotional affair. What you shared with the OM, although not (yet) physical, was not innocent. Going out to lunch with him alone was inappropriate. Private e-mails with him after you were married was inappropriate. Allowing him to meet some of your emotional needs was inappropriate. You CANNOT go back to that 'friendship' because it was not an appropriate, innocent friendship anyway. Even before the OM revealed his 'love' for you, what the two of you were doing together was a betrayal to your husband and marriage. And then you have shamefully kept this OM's confession of love to you a secret from your husband for several months?!?!? AND have had contact with the OM since then too?!?!? This is NO DOUBT a betrayal of your husband!

The secrecy and continued contact are no brainers. You KNOW that's wrong, don't you?

I don't want to sound harsh but unless you acknowledge the fact that your 'friendship' with the OM is really an emotional affair, IMHO you are not mature enough to be married and your husband deserves better.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thank you so much for all these replies and insight.. it has helped me incredibly... at least to reafirm all my intuition.
For those who were inquiring - yes my husband knew from day one when my friend confessed his love. He is very much aware of everything going on. unfortunately I think he is the one who does not realize how dangerous it is because he told me he does not have any problems with me being friends with him as long as I am not interested in him.
well, I am not - I am not attracted to him in that way and never could be. But yes, he does meet emotional needs. Or so I have discovered. I think his sense of humor and creativity is just incredible and has brightened up many a dreary day in my life. No, I was never close to him to discuss issues I'd had with my husband - I am a very private person and never felt this to be appropriate anyhow. He just had sensed that I was down and was always the dependable cheery friend.
I must admit... that part of me does resent him in a very strange way... for trying to steal me from my husband. How else am I supposed to see it? I always see myself and my husband as a unit... and to me his confession of love... and his opinion that I'm unhappy and deserve better (him???) is just an open assault on that unit. At the same time I do realize he probably does not even realize this... and is not trying to be this mean intentionally evil person.
Everything all of you have said does ring very true for me... and yes you are all right, I don't want to fall into any kind of trap. I will still miss him terribly though. loosing this friendship of 9 years is uncomprehendable and I still can't get used to the fact that this is so. I knew him before I even met my husband and we have so many memories together from college days and all. And I did not realize how deeply this will impact me. Its like mourning someone close who died suddenly, except in a way it seems worse, because it is so forced because they won't go away. his ghost keeps coming back and tempting me to go back to what I miss. But I agree that it can never be the same. I guess it is all wishful thinking on my part.
I know what I should do... and that I should stay away from him for life now. Its just so hard and I feel so weak. And I am still in shock and can't believe it has to be so. Most of all I think I've surprised myself at how attached I was to him, without even knowing it.

Most of all I think I've surprised myself at how attached I was to him, without even knowing it. This is really the answer to the question isn't it? That slope gets slippery without us seeing it.

Sala,
You sound like my wife talking about her best friend from her work 18 years ago. She has always said things like...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not attracted to him in that way and never could be. But yes, he does meet emotional needs. Or so I have discovered. I think his sense of humor and creativity is just incredible and has brightened up many a dreary day in my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Over the years they spoke (maybe saw each other) 2-3 times a year to keep in touch and lend occassional support.

Their relationship met the EA standards per author S Glass in "Not Just Friends."

There was secrecy. I never until recently had any idea of these communications.

There was intimacy that is in the general sense of how one would be intimate with a close friend. Sharing thoughts, feelings, ideas etc.

My wife denies it but based upon my casual observation during their time working together I believe there was sexual chemistry. The SC may have come later after years of this casual contact.

Their friendship turned into a full blown affair when both of them experienced changes in life and dissatisfaction in their marriages.

It may not be an EA to you but it is bc OM feels that way and has professed it. Today you may not have these feelings but like my wife it could happen sopmetime in the future during a week moment in your marriage.

You also said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> yes my husband knew from day one when my friend confessed his love. He is very much aware of everything going on. unfortunately I think he is the one who does not realize how dangerous it is because he told me he does not have any problems with me being friends with him as long as I am not interested in him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he also know that you are worried enough to post here at MB? Does he know that you now recognize that OM is meeting some of the needs that should be met solely by your H?

Since I was like your H I wish I could come thru the computer and shake him. Tell him that he's got a great wife who stopped b4 going where most of our spouses went.

Both of you have been given a great oppurtunity to fix things b4 an affair hits.

Print a copy of the emotional needs questionaire. Walk H thru it.

You also said that you are somewhat mad at your friend. You right affairs whether emotional or otherwise are very selfish behavior. Most affair partners only think of themselves. They rarely think about the other affair partner let alone their spouse & kids

Anyway good for you!!!

Take care,

Mac