Recovery has been going ok--into it for four months. Dday Ann is coming up March 11--FWH left for overseas trip and I will join him in two weeks. He knows about Dday triggers, but he really doesn't know how to deal with it or help me to deal with it. He has not yet learned to fill my EN's--top one is conversation and he calls and asks how am I and then interrupts me when I answer. Besides, I am not really sure if I want him to help because I don't feel safe with him filling my EN's.

FWH is a conflict avoider--he never really asks how I feel about Dday. I don't want to call him and tell him because he will likely get defensive or turn it around and make it about him--I cannot take that hurt. I am debating about leaving him a message explaining how I feel, but also that I will feel better. I can barely stand to talk with him. Any ideas?

I was in area today and went by OW's apt. I am not sure what I was expecting...I just parked there and watched people come and go. I don't know what I would have done if I saw her--I never have...or if I would even have recognized her--just wanted to return to the scene of the crime. I asked myself, did he and she drive down this street? Did they look at that bldg? Did he walk up that driveway? I wasn't trying to torture myself..just trying to desensitive myself so it wouldn't hurt so much.

I have been trying to "treat" myself well...workout, classes, spa treatment, shopping...the pain just won't seem to go away....and maybe it won't until those memories get rewritten with different memories. Maybe the first year is the worst and then it lightens.....it just feels as if I will have a whole year to rewrite. I kinda wish right now I had not stopped the anti-d's two months ago, but I guess time will pass the moment.

I wanted so much be at this place and now I am here and feel awkward, uneasy, still helpless, lonely and not wanting to continue with H because he hurt me so much...knowingly. I have flashbacks of the lies and want to correct his accusations of me...but really it would serve no purpose. I am better, but got so damaged in the process.

I would welcome any thoughts or suggestions. Is this normal for this time period into recovery? What are the next stages? Thanks for letting me vent. I am trying to work through it, but could use a little help. Thanks <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

Speaking from experience, the first year is very hard. I remember it well, and it was a long time ago (from my perspective anyway.)
I remember getting so mad that she didn't show what I considered enough remorse about it. And thinking about it, that single issue was the worst to deal with. Our communication was pretty bad during that time as well, which definitely did not help the situation.

From what I experienced, the pain won't just go away. There is no magic word the WS can say, there is nothing they can do that will take it away. Yes, they can help... But time is really the only thing that really helps put it to rest.

Until you do feel safe with H filling your emotional needs, I doubt that even if he was trying his hardest, the effect it would have on you would be nil, when you can't open up to them.

Leaving a message for him may help. Maybe I would suggest writing instead. When it's on paper, words tend to take a bit stronger meaning... at least for me they do anyway.

But back to the EN that are not being fulfilled, unless communication is at a peak, I think they will always fall short.... It's not necessarily a bad thing to completely spell out what they are for you, how you would like them filled, when... etc.

That way there is no grumbling inside about it. Know what I mean?

Hey TTSi,

Thanks for being there.....I am really glad that you are on the board tonight.

Time...that all important passage of time....I am doing everything I can to make it pass quickly, but it passes when it passes, I guess. Thanks for your observations about FWH fills my EN's. Good observation...even if he tries his hardest...it will have nil effect on me. My muscle memory will not risk the hurt right now. I guess I am just not ready to make a move right now, including trying.

This feels like a replay of last year....sitting in front of the computer and feeling so bad....except....I have come to a oasis called MB boards and found others drinking from the pool of knowledge....whew...where did that come from????

Anyway thanks for your thoughts and how is your workout going?

Wish I could offer you words of support and tell you that things will get better but I am in the same boat as you. We share the same D-day ann except I am only 3 months into it. I wish things would feel better. I would have to agree TTSi on communication. It really doesn't seem to work well. Try though I might nothing seems to get through. One second things seem ok the next I feel like a truck ran over me.

I usually feel better when my W is around. The worst time for me is at work. I work 12 hours shifts that rotate between days and nights every 2 weeks. OM lives across the street. I am at work and have no way to know what is going on. Talk about trust problems... sigh Trying to Move but it takes time. Especially with 4 kids.

I know you are probably looking for words of encouragement... That everything will be better soon. I can't give you that. All I can offer is that you are not alone. I hope things work out for you and your H. Most of all I hope you find your happiness. I catch glimpses of mine every once and awhile. I know it's out there I just haven't caught it yet. Good luck to you.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: Zanthor ]</small>

Thanks, Z, for your post. It is good that you found MB so early in the process. Dday was 3/11 and I found MB the same night so I am lucky because if I followed by instincts I would not be here now...drinking from the oasis of knowledge.

I know things will get better as they will for you....I really needed to vent without falling deeper into a pity party. The more I seem to ignore my feelings...the more it seem to gnaw at me...so I gave into it....hope and know it will better once I get pass the Anniv.

Thanks again for the post and hope you are following Plan A without too many LB's. It will help you to recover and as many have told me...we BS's are our M's only hope. I believe it...but today and the next few days...I am going to take a rest. Thanks again, Z, for your thoughts and post. You are very kind and may God watch over you as you continue on this journey. ss

FWH just called...he asked if I was okay and I said not really. He said "what's the matter?" A really welcoming and inviting question.

I said the day after tomorrow is a bad day, a trigger day. He said, "oh, the time of the month?" Most people would think that expression means oh you are pms'ing. I said, "no, it is a bad trigger day." He said, "that is what I meant." Then he changed the subject. Which really hurt because I hoped he might help with a sentence of empathy...no apology necessary...but a mere "yea, that was a horrible time" could have helped.

I did not LB him...he does not know how to fill my EN's and even if he did, he would probably feel ashame to do it on this one. It is just that he does not fill my EN very well; in fact, sometimes I think he does more harm than good.

I feel the need to stay very protected in the next few days. His being away drains my love bank and it happened too early in our recovery. I had the anger under control, but it has flared up because I am angry at him leaving and being so selfish to not take care of us. He really is not accountable for his time...more the reason to stay safe. Also there are no opportunities to fill my EN's and he would not even try or know how to do it. I am beginning to feel so angry that I do not want to join him on the trip.

MB'ers....any thoughts or ideas on how to get through the next few days/weeks so that I am not a basketcase?

Thank you for any suggestions.

SS,

I'd like to add that you were really fortunate to have found this site. My FWH and I stumbled through the first painful year both thinking that what we were experiencing was somehow unique. Neither one of us understood the total impact of his A. I spent the first year marking off dates thinking that once we made it to the one year point that all of the bad stuff would somehow miraculously vanish. Really naive I know.

Then, last month I found the forum and finally understood that all of the triggers and dark places were completely normal.

My FWH really hated to talk about what he had done. He was, is, and always will be sorry, but he didn't understand my need to talk about what happened.

We are currently reading SAA out loud to each other for one hour each evening. It has really helped us inch forward in our recovery and given us a much clearer perspective on how this terrible thing happened to us.

MB has also helped me to accept that even though I have forgiven him, I will never forget his A. I am on the road to accepting that nothing will change what happened in the past and that I can either continue to live there along with the pain, or I can appreciate the love we share today and look forward to the future.

I also accept that I will have good days and bad days....today, thankfully is a good day. I am looking forward to an increasing number of good days as we move forward.