I have been up and down so many times over the past 3 months that I am not sure what is right and wrong anymore. Everything I try with my W gets me nowhere. I realize with him living across the street her withdrawl will not begin until she can no longer physically see him.

What if I am wrong though? What if she was truly going to leave me because of how I treated her? What if this guy just happened at the right/wrong time? She was in the midst of the worst depressive attack she had ever had. I thought she was just sick. He made her feel good about herself and caused her to come out of her depression. She didn't feel that connection with me anymore so I couldn't help her. Since this all went down on Dec 11 she has told me time and time again that she wants to leave. Some of it I thought came from her low self-esteem caused by the depression. She was very guilty and didn't feel worthy of me accepting her back. She would say some positive things but I would always say something wrong which would make things worse.

Lately she's said things like: I don't love you anymore. She tells me that she feels trapped and has for a long time. That hasn't changed, she tells me. Even though I have shared many household responsibilities with her. She also said that she never agreed to reconcile but I forced her to stay. She says one day that she doesn't want to make things work but then later says that she has no choice but to make things work with me. Again with the being forced.

I wrote her a letter that said this... 'Knowing all the bad and all the good that has happened in our relationship. I would still choose her.' Two nights ago she told me... 'You know that line that you wrote... I wouldn't choose you!'

I was devastated. She has said some hurtful things but they seem to be coming more often and more harsh. Soon after all this came down she confided in me that she had been having suicidal thoughts. I made her bring it up in counciling. This is kinda important. As things seemed to get worse I considered suicide myself. I told her this. She latched onto it and told me in our last argument that the only reason she stayed 3 months ago is because she didn't want to be reposinsible for my suicide. That I used this to force her to stay. She didn't want to be with me but I won't let her leave.

I don't know anymore how much is real. How much is addiction. How much is the depression. I am at a loss. One second we can make this work. The next I am evil incarnate.

I don't think I was serious about suicide months ago. But it was something I thought about in my hopelessness.

I don't know what to say to her anymore. Anything I say gets twisted or remembered differently. No matter what, I am at fault for forcing her to stay.

Part of me wonders if I should contact him and say 'Here take her and see if you can make her happy because I sure can't.' As much as I want to make things work out for us I can't force her. I don't know how to tell what she wants anymore. Maybe she would be happy with him?! Did I do something wrong by standing in the way? She wanted to leave me and the kids to follow her happiness with him. I thought it was right to stop her and make her see her responsibility to all of us. Now I am not so sure. She holds this against me and recently told me that she wasn't sorry that she was friends with him. She was sorry that it hurt me... Again I am not so sure about that. How can you not be sorry for the thing that hurt me so much but tell me you're sorry I was hurt.

If it was just the affair I was dealing with I think I could handle it. This depression she has is out of control but no one will help her. I have told her doctor. I have told our councilor(W won't see him anymore by the way) I have told her mother. No one will do anything. She was starting to rebound and things were getting better but during the last week she is losing all zest for life. She won't do anything with her hair. Her long hair used to be her pride and joy. She won't change earrings which she used to do every day to match her outfit. She stopped wearing both her neckless. One she had been wearing since she got it in South Dakota this last summer. She won't do anything to bring happiness and joy to her life.

I tell her that I am worried about these changes and she just blows me off saying she just doesn't feel like it.

I told her calmly the other night, for 40 minutes straight, if you need your freedom take it. Just go. Here's $800 to get you started, just go. Come back when/if you feel you can. The door will be open for as long as I can hold it. She said 'no' that it was 'too late'. She would have to live with her choices the rest of her life even if she is never happy again. Six weeks ago I offered her $4000(half of our tax refund) and said go if you have to. This is your best chance. We will not be in a good financial position like this for another year. Again she said she would stay. Now she says she stayed for my safety and since I ruined her relationship with her 'friend' she has no where else to go. I win by default I guess. I don't much feel like a winner though.

I have shared this and much more with some close friends. All of them say to keep trying but to seriously consider what is right for me and the children. As a parent I know I have to protect my children even if it is from their own mother. Sad though that may sound. I really want to have things work out but I can't do it alone. A marriage takes two committed people. I am beginning to wonder if SHE should be committed.

I know that sounds bad. I must sound like a real jerk. I have never experienced such resentment and hate. Especially from someone that is supposed to love me and protect my feelings.

I love her and want to help her. I want her to try but I can't tell if she really wants to or if I just wear her down and she says what I want to here.

How can you tell?