My H has been in an affair for around 18 months now and I don't even know how I feel about him now. I do want to save our marriage but he is not willing to give up OW yet. When is it time to call it a day and file for divorce. I have known about the affair for around 1 year.

I don't have any personal advice to give you but Dr. H book "Surviving an Affair" says that most affairs die between six months to two years after exposed to the light of day. <P>I found out about affair eight months ago. I don't know if it is still going on right now but I know they see each other at work, they talk on the phone and I saw them together three weeks ago. H says they were just going to lunch to talk. <P>My h doesn't know what he wants. He wants both. I am praying that the affair will die soon on it's own if it isn't already dying or dear very soon. In the mean time, I am doing my best to stick to plan A.

I don't know either. My H's affair started a year ago. I found out the last of March. He lied about breaking it off all summer and two moths ago he moved in with her. He asked me to get the divorce because he doesn't have enough money.( as if I do) I told him I would when ever I could afford it so right now it is going to be awhile before I can afford it (even when I can) I have really thought about when I would call it quits I guess I will have to be more sure of myself and feel less hurt and feel that I no longer need or want him. I change my deadline constantly. One time it will the first of the year then it will be a year after he left. I guess it will be when I feel that I am ready. But then I really want him to come back so until that changes I will wait but I still plan to go on with my life.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

The time to give up is when you decide. Sure, it’s a scary decision, but when you know you CAN move on and WANT to move on and have done everything in your power to make it work is the time. Read this thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007167.html</A> <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate your input. Chris, I read your thread and I understand everything you said there and I agree with it all. The problem I have is that after 18 months, my H is still telling me that he is not willing to give OW up yet. So do I sit here for another year, getting older, or do I go on with my life and accept dates? I want to save my marriage but at the same time, I don't want to wait 5 years to do it. My love for my H is running out big time and I have offers of dates, do I accept them or do I hold on. I am so confused.

Is he still at home or has he moved out? Are you still seeing him if he has moved out? In Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" he talks about the H/W having the best of both worlds. If you are still in contact with your H maybe that is what's happening. He is not going to give her up when he can have you both. Maybe you should try plan B there is a thread on what plan b is or you can read about on this web site. BUt it might help. If you are all ready doing it. Then if you feel comfortable about going out maybe you should. It might help you realize what you really want and if he know about it maybe it could be the wake up call that you aren't going to sit around waiting for him. Just a thought.<P>------------------<BR>di<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited September 22, 1999).]

Whatever you do, DON’T DATE! All capitals because it is very important. As soon as you start going out & find someone caring, etc. you won’t want your h back for the same reasons he left you. Too easy to fall into the trap your h did.<P>If it has been that long and you have been doing a good Plan A, then I would suggest going to Plan B. This will keep you from having to deal with him. Also, even if it does nothing for him, then you will be much stronger if the time comes for a divorce.<P>Have you had any marriage counseling? Steve Harley (1-800-639-1639) is extremely good at what he does and he knows how to develop a plan which will work for you. It may not save the marriage, but either way you’ll come out much stronger than without a plan.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

How can you be so strong Chris? I am currently having counselling from Steve and he told me the same as you - don't date! I am frustrated and angry. I am in Plan B. I was in Plan B from July 15 to August 15 and then H came home apologizing and willing to try and 3 weeks later he is back with her again. How do I know that I should keep this marriage. Maybe God has someone out there who is meant to be with me. Help me please! I have been in Plan B and am still getting no further. He still says he is not willing to give her up.<p>[This message has been edited by loveu (edited September 23, 1999).]

Thanks SDS, yes, he has moved out for the third time. My children are suffering, I am suffering. I just don't know if he is worth it anymore.<BR>

I understand how you feel... I'd like to know when/if its time to just be through with this mess too.... I'll keep you in my prayers as I can see your going through something I've been through and understand...<P> Ask God.. He knows whats next.. We don't and shouldn't try to guess... God will give you peace in a decition when its a right one, this much Im sure of....<P>cozy...

You have to sort yourself out before you can understand what you truly want & need from a relationship. It’s not over with the h yet, even though it may look like it. Remember, we are the ones preaching moral values and marriage vows. Gotta stick with it until it’s over or you’re back together.<P>Plan B you should be working on yourself & not worrying about h (I know, MUCH easier said than done). Be strong!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Chris, thanks. Working on myself? Don't I deserve more than this. I am trying to work on myself. I need more than a husband who doesn't care about me. I have needs too!

Sorry, had to send another post as I sound like my H in my last one - selfish and self-centred. I know, I have to stick it out. I have two kids just waiting for their Daddy to come home. Sometimes it is just so hard though.

I know how you feel. Since Feb, I’ve only seen my Wife 5 times for a week at the end of May. Sometimes it seems like it’s too much work or not worth the waiting. But I still trudge on.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Chris, why do you still trudge on?<BR>

As I like to tell my shrink, “don’t ask such difficult questions!”<P>There are many reasons why I keep going on. <P>I chose to spend the rest of my life with her. When I stood up in front of my friends, family, her & God, I swore, “for better or for worse“ and I meant it. I hope it can’t get much worse, but as the saying goes, “sh*t happens“ & then you deal with it.<P>I Love Her.<P>As Tom Cruise said in “Jerry Mcguire”, She completes me! We were two people until we got married. Then we became one under God. When she left I didn’t become one person again, only a half.<P>We have two children together and they need two happy, loving parents under one roof.<P>I Love Her.<P>Affairs die. Proven fact. I’m waiting for her affair to die. Hopefully she will want to & be strong enough to come home. Gotta give her that chance.<P>She is misguided/temporarily insane, whatever. She’ll wake up sometime & I wanna be the one she see’s when she does.<P>Etc...<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

loveu,<P>I gotta say a big, “THANK YOU” for asking that question. I don’t really think I have sat down & thought very much about the WHY.<P>After reading so much & posting here WAAAAYYYYY too much, being depressed, I got used to figuring WHAT we need to do to get through all this. Helps keep the goal in mind much better.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Very inspirational. I really needed to "hear" this one. I remember a time when I ALWAYS seemed to reach the goal, and it was because I kept looking and thinking of the goal, not the obstales or the problems, or the hurt......<BR>Brought that back to me. Thanks!

Thanks Chris for your very honest reply. It helped me tremendously. Sometimes I just feel I need to give up because it seems hopeless and sometimes I don't know if I want someone who hurt me so badly but when I sit down and think about it - yep, I do still love him - I just hope that is enough!

Loveu:<BR>Thank you for posting this. This is exactly and I mean exactly what I'm going thru. In fact, is this me. I have two young children and my husband is refusing to give up his affair. He isn't at the point where he is even considering our relationship as a possibility. But I too believe that marriage is for life and that unless physical abuse has occurred or there is the threat of STD's, an attempt should at least be made. I would love for you to e-mail me at jandk@wa.freei.net if you'd like to talk further. I may not be able to give you any advice (that's what the boards are for), but at least you knew that you had a partner in crime.