Thanks Mel,

I hear you and everyone else! This is so hard for me, as I'm sure it is for everyone. Because I'm a solutions person. I'm the one in life and in business, who fixes all of the problems, and I'm usually very good at it. I need to calm down and follow the rules instead of trying to jump the tracks to fix this, OR it won't get fixed. I need to let him go and work on me! I need to stop the LB's, and the accusations. I keep trying, and I keep failing. If I didn't have this site to post to and get feedback from, I'd be more of a basketcase than I am right now.

Thanks so much to everyone!!

Well, I have been very positive this weekend, and he's been responsive, but he's still going. I think he is being pressured by the OW. He says and acts like he really doesn't want to go. Then last night, we had a pretty heartfelt discussion, where he admitted that he got himself into something that he doesn't know how to get out of. (Which he still won't admit to the ongoing A, and I didn't push it) He still keeps saying he needs some time apart from me, and I told him that I would give that to him. I told him that I want to continue to be his wife and I want to be everything to him again, and the only woman he needs. I'm not sure what he's thinking, he won't let me in that far, but I know he's addicted to the OW, so I'm not sure how this will play out. I still feel like if he moves out, he'll spend all of his time with her, and there will be no more M. Does anyone have any feedback? Since he's still leaving, do I HAVE to go to plan B now. He will still be coming around from time to time. Please help! Does any of this sound encouraging or is it still the ramblings of an alien?

Steinla,

I think you have to calm down and re read the posts where you have been given the best advice.

You must do a good plan A, the best you can so that that is what your WS remembers when he leaves.

Have you exposed to the BF yet?
What about the family and the workplace?

IF he leaves you should have your plan B letter ready and tell him that you love him enough to let him go, you cannot stop him.

IF he goes, and you are in plan B YOU WILL NOT BE SEEING HIM AT ALL. That is plan B.

re read the former posts. Many here have followed the plans, after all that is what this website is about.

I hope more experienced people will be around soon but the weekends are slow.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

I am being as good in Plan A as I can be. I'm not judging or criticizing, I'm upbeat and positive. I'm taking care of myself and trying to fulfull any of his EN's that he'll allow. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't, he will not allow SF. I think because of all of this, he is hesitant to go. But like I said, I think he has promised the OW, so he feels he has to continue the search. I have exposed him to family and his workplace. I have had a hard time getting ahold of the BF. I assume he's very busy, but am continuing daily. I will get my Plan B letter ready, just in case the exposure doesn't end it. I re-read these posts daily, to keep myself motivated. I appreciate every word! Thanks!

Hi steinla,

Sounds like you are are doing alright.Keep up the good work and stay the course no matter what your WH is doing,remember that.

Hang in there!

O

Steinla,

sounds like you are doing fine.
Now it depends on patience and howmuch you can take plan A. Dr. Harley says about 3 months for women. Penny says 2 months. I think that what is important that you feel that you are showing WH the best W you can be and are committed to being without it turning into a fence sitter/ cake eater situation. It's a delicate balance and some people here prefer a longer plan A and others believe that you should implement plan B after 2 or 3 months.
I think it depends a bit on how WH responds and when you start losing your love or respect for WH, cause that's when plan A is not fulfilling it's purpose.

So far you seem to be doing OK. Keep it up and keep reading here. Did you get the book SAA?

Well, my WH and I have had several conversations over the weekend and last night. I am Plan A-ing my A$$ off. His efforts to move out have slowed, as he says he's too busy and is having a hard time finding a good place. He seems as though he misses our married life. He comes home very late because he feels guilty and I think he's hoping I'll be asleep. He said that he misses the comfortable feeling of our marriage and knowing that someone is there for him, and I suspect it's because around her he is pretending to be something he's not....but he has MAJOR FOG right now. He still says that he's not leaving me for another person, but that he needs time to clear his head and have some down time (excuse), but that's fine. He told me last night that I would come out the winner in this whole thing. I asked him what he meant, and he said, "you're beautiful, intelligent, successful and able to handle any situation"...I said, "those things are true, but I want to be a winner with you".... But knowing that he's Fogged, I listen to the things that he says, but I can't put much stock in them. The minute he talks to or knows he's going to see the OW, I cease to exist. I don't know how this is going to play out, I think on some level he wishes he had never started any of this, but he has , and he thinks he's love with her, so until he realizes he's not and living in a fantasy world, there's nothing I can do but, Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!! I have had to send her BF a letter though, couldn't find any phone info on him, but it's been sent, so we'll see how that exposure goes. I'll keep you all posted. Am still on the right track?

I need help!! I screwed up! I was doing Plan A, going along great, even though he's still moving out. WH got a place lined up, and we were doing better with each other..until tonight. At 11PM, he unplugs the bedroom phone, and sneaks outside with it. I didn't notice it at first, until he came back in with it. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was testing the line. I got upset and said some smart little comment, he still denies there's anything going on with this OW......I told him that I asked him to respect me while he was in the house and not call her from here. He said he promised her he would call her tonight and he only talked for a few seconds because she was asleep. I'm supposed to ACCEPT this?? I know I should have walked away...but my rage overtook me....he was going to pack up and go to a motel, but I convinced him not to. He of course said this is why our marriage is failing because I keep doing this TO HIM, that the OW is not the problem, she is only someone he can talk to....which I KNOW is a lie, but I understand that fog. I just need to know, if he leaves, with this being his last thought of me...is it over? What can I do!! Please someone respond to this!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by steinla13:
<strong> I just need to know, if he leaves, with this being his last thought of me...is it over? What can I do!! Please someone respond to this!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, it isn't over if he walks off or leaves.

The point of strong plan A is to show him the best of you that you can, but almost everyone blows it a time or two.

The affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. That is his bad choice. No one held a gun to his head and told him that he had to do the other woman. That was his choice.

The fact of the matter, is that he is looking for a reason to blame you for all his stupidity. In plan A, you try to reduce the reasons, but he will still blame his guilt on you.

Please try to remain calm. Don't be grabby toward him. don't try to teach, preach or reason with him. You will just be wasting your time. Be calm, collected, firm but loving.

"Husband, your call to the other woman is very hurtful and damaging to our marriage. Please do not contact her from our home"

Create some healthy boundaries for you and your marriage. Plan A is not about being a doormat, it is about negotiating an end to the affair.

All the best,
Gimble

If you are strong enough, kick him out before he is ready for it. After all, he is already blaming you for stuff that isn't your fault, so if you kick him out before he is ready, it will match his whining about you but won't score anymore grumbling points about you to the OW because he already he downed you to her.

But kicking him out b4 his time w/b bring you some relief.

JMHO,
L.

Steinla, Gimble is absolutely right, you were exactly right to confront your H about calling the OW from your house.

I agree that you shouldn't be clingy or needy. If he says he wants to move out, calmly tell him you don't want him to move but you can't prevent it.

He is looking for reasons to fight with you, so try not to give them to him, but don't allow him to call the OW from your home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> This goes back to the assumption that EN's are the only deciding factor that a WS decided to cheat.I just don't buy into that.Of course we would all love to know what EN's each other have and have all the time to fill them every day.But how many non MB people know how to do this?

Marriages are not an endless well of support,EN's,sex,comfort,etc,etc,etc.That is a huge role to try to(unrealistically) fill when we are dealing with men/women, families, children, bills, laundry, illnesses, aging parents,LIFE in general. It's life,not a fantasy.I still think that if the INDIVIDUAL isn't happy within themselves,no one will be the answer to them for very long.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this. I couldn't agree more with what you stated above. Sometimes cheating is NOT ABOUT you or the marriage. About unfulfilled NEEDS that you could possible fill. Sometimes a spouse simply experiences a crisis that is about HIM (or her) and you and your marriage become 'collateral damage.'

My H has gone through a true mid-life crisis. He lost his job for the second time, went through extensive (3 years) unemployment, could not find a job to save his life, and hooked up with an 'old friend' who he was convinced was his long lost soulmate. REady to abandon his family, his history, his life really just to be with her (married with 2 kids of her own). Of course, lied to me the whole time this was going on, but me being the fairly intuitive woman that I am sensed there was another woman. That fueled LOTS of LBs, DJ, AOs, etc. THis went on for over 2 years.

But the main point is sometimes outside circumstance -- things totally outside the marriage and over which the S has NO influence -- start the whole infidelity ball rolling and it attains a life of its own. A perfectly happy, normal marriage gets blown up in the process.

Sometimes it's NOT about you. Sometimes it IS only (or mainly) about him.

Have you exposed the affair?

YES...I have exposed the affair, and her BF seemed not to care, so I think she did some type of damage control stating that there were rumors going around at work about her and my WH, because he was leaving his wife and he was talking to her as a friend. I think he probably DOES care on some level, but he wouldn't say that to me. I need some solid proof to give him, but I really have none. Especially if he doesn't want to believe this is true, or believes everything she says to him. She is a wonderful manipulator. My only other option would be a PI to get pics, but I need more money before I can do that. I think the exposure has put "some" pressure on their relationship, but has not ended it as I had hoped.....so it goes on from there. I have exposed it at his place of work, and I believe that is putting alot of pressure on them.

Steinla, do they communicate on the computer or the home phones?

Well, 1. They work together and see each other daily, and they have dinner together almost every night. (which is how I caught them in the first place, quite by accident) 2. Her BF is a very busy guy, so really does't make a lot of time for her, and he trusts her. 3. They did communicate via cell phone, (which I can get copies of all of the detail from WH's to show him), and then by my home phone, when I am either out or asleep and he thinks it is safe to do so. But now they have a new undetectable trick, where they leave pager messages for each other on their work pagers. I think the only way this will blow up is if they go over their allotted pages for the month and it is brought up to them by the management there.

One thing did happen just a few minutes ago! I called my house to see if my WH was there and he wasn't, so I called his cell phone.He asked me to let him know when I left earlier when I was headed home and since I want to be treated that way, I decided that was the right thing to do. He asked me where I was and I told him I was on my way home, so I asked him where he was and his answer was, "I gotta go check on something"! He sounded kind of panicked so I asked him if everything was alright and he just kept repeating, "I gotta go check on something"....he wouldn't explain what he meant, but he said he wouldn't be late, and would tell me about it when he got home. So, I again said, does this involve me at all, and he said, "no, it's something has been bothering me for the last few days, and I just need to go check it out". During one of our discussions about his "friend", he told me that she got a text message from another guy at work, which she was rumored to have been seeing before my WH, which said, "come to my house now". My WH said he questioned her and she said she didn't know why he did that. My WH asked her how would he assume that she knows where his house is, and she said she had gone there a couple times to help him feed his dogs. Think it's possible that my WH thinks the OW is cheating on HIM??

Hey Steinla, I think I know how you can get the evidence you need to really create some trouble for her. Go get a voice activated recorder from Radio Shack and record their conversations on your land line. You would hook it up on an out of the way phone and he would be none the wiser. This would allow you to play a recording for the BF.

Hey Mel,
I'll have to look into that.....I'm not particularly mechanically inclined, but I'm sure I can figure it out. May be my only shot....just can't get this guy to realize what's going on...or maybe he has his own thing going on and just doesn't care.

Steinla, really its not that hard at all to do. We have had lots of folks here set them up with great success. You could get a good idea what is going on and you could use this info in many different ways. I think these recorders are fairly inexpensive and easy to use. They will record conversations on ALL phones in the house so you could hide it on some out of the way phone that no one uses.

Well, I guess I won't need to worry about a phone line tap....he got approved for his apartment today and will be moving as soon as the power is turned on. We talked some last night, and he's just lost his mind, so I've decided to stop talking to him. It gets me nowhere. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to move as it will cause a hardship on us financially, and he said he could see no other way, that he needed time to "think and clear his head"...then he went on to say that he can't take it that I get so upset whenever his cell phone rings or his pager goes off, or when he makes a phone call. I said, it's not that, it's the OW. I can't believe you're going to throw our marriage away for someone who you say is just a friend, or to spend all that money just to have a place to make and receive phone calls. It still makes me sick that he thinks I'm so stupid. He sticks to his guns and lies right to me. I know it's the fog, and it's probably best at this point that he be "fogged in" somewhere else. I just hope I don't lose my house in the process.