Hi steinla,

Well,it sounds as though your WH wants to be out on his own to continue the A.Wanting to "think and clear his head" is fogspeak for "I want to see the OW and keep cheating".It's classic.

Ok,so now you should start thinking about Plan B.Plan A will be hard to do now.It's hard just to do it to a WS who isn't usually receptive but then to try when they have moved out is evenmore so and IMO I would not do it for long.If he wants to see what it's like being on his own again like a bachelor and see the OW then let him have it all.Plan B will also protect any love you have left for him and it will not enable him to keep fence sitting having you both in his life.

You don't have to rush to a Plan B yet but do prepare.Read up on some Plan B threads.Take a look at some letters.We can help you through this.Not having any young children at home will help you go completely dark on him when you need to.

O

Edited to add: Protect yourself financially.I don't know your working situation at home but just be careful that your WH doesn't start draining funds to finance his affair.For example,if you have direct deposit from your work,I would have it deposited into a new account that is yours only.

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Well, I think you're right, once he's actually out, I'm going to have to go to Plan B......but he's still here. He got his apartment yesterday, but he came home last night. He said he needs some stuff for the place and doesn't feel comfortable there yet. If you can believe this, he called me around 8:30PM and asked me if I wanted to come over and see it...HUH?? I declined. I was asleep when he came in last night around midnight. He barely slept at all, and when I asked him why he couldn't sleep, he said he was nervous and scared, but he won't say about what. He says everything feels so final. I asked him if he was referring to us and he said, "everything"....when I asked what that meant, he got irritated and said, "JUST EVERYTHING, DON'T ANALYZE IT"! I asked him if he was afraid of leaving me and he said "no". Up to this point and last night, he kept saying, (which I know is BS) that he was doing this for our marriage, this morning I asked him if he still thought this was going to help and he said, "I don't know", so I don't know what he's talking about. I told him that he needed to be out by Thursday, and he didn't like it but agreed. Yesterday when he told me he was picking up his keys he sounded all happy, but last night he sounded depressed. Any ideas what may be going on here?? Maybe he's spending too much time waiting on OW to find the time to spend with him? I know he's still fogged, but he's also confusing. Why do you think it means so much to him that I see his place? Why would he want me to?

He is probably scared to death right now. Reality is starting to break in on his little fantasy land. This is very good! He fantasized that it would be all sweetness and light with the OW, but now he has the apartment and the OW has no intention of leaving her BF. I betcha this is starting to sink in.

So, just hang tight and be as sweet as possible! When your enemy [the affair] is in self destruct mode, you don't want to interfere!

This is the beginning of the end, Steinla!

Ok I just lost my WHOLE POST.GRRRRR. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Steinla,

In a nut shell what I said is that you should stick to your plans and not worry so much about your WH's statements.He wants you to come over and see the new place to somehow endorse it or approve.Don't do it.

He will fluctuate between emotions since he is torn between the two lives he created.The one with you and the one he is attempting to being with OW by getting his "bachelor pad" ready.

Prep a Plan B letter and read up on it.

O

I am working on my plan B move. I don't put any stock in what he says, I know he's nuts right now, and he's so confused he doesn't understand what he feels or says. I just couldn't understand why he would want me to see his little "love shack"....but I guess wanting some kind of approval would make sense. I have no intention of ever going there. I just have to keep reminding myself to stay focused on my life and not to get wound up in what he says or does. It's like he's in our life and out of our life. He is definately fence sitting. I know this is not going the way he had envisioned it, at least not yet. Thanks for the responses!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Ok I just lost my WHOLE POST.GRRRRR. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Steinla,

In a nut shell what I said is that you should stick to your plans and not worry so much about your WH's statements.He wants you to come over and see the new place to somehow endorse it or approve.Don't do it.


O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OG is exactly right! I was thinking that what he really wants is for you to be "his friend" in order to assuage his guilt. And coming over to look at his new pad is to get your endorsement. Don't do it! Tell him it causes you great pain that he is leaving to be with OW and you want nothing to do with his digs.

But.... BE SURE to not lovebust when you do it! Please step very carefully right now because a lovebuster could distract him from all that good guilt he is feeling right now! No distractions!!

And lastly, please try and find a way to get some evidence of their affair for the BF. Is there any way you can get a key to his place "to drop something off" [not for the endorsement tour!] and put a bug on his phone? There must be some way you can get the evidence you need to convince the BF.

Well, he's not getting a phone hooked up right now, he's only using his cell phone. The only thing I know to do is try and follow them and take pics, but it's so expensive. My nephew has volunteered to do it, when he can, but that's really my only option at this point. I'll NEVER go to his little "love palace"....and I'm being sweet and kind to the point that it's making HIM suspicious of ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But I am letting him know how much this hurts me, and he is understanding about it! So he has plenty of "good" guilt toiling inside him.

Steinla, you are doing very good! See, I have high hopes for your situation, but we need to get the BF on board here in order to move forward! Can you please arrange for your nephew to follow them and take pics?

Refresh my memory, have you exposed this to your family and his? Have all key people been notified?

Yes...I've exposed to everyone....family, work, etc. The only thing left is the BF, and he's a toughie, he doesn't want to believe it, she's convinced him that people are out to get her, for some reason. I'm going to see if my nephew can do it this weekend when he's off, and get some pics....I think it's my only hope at this point.