My WH and I have had an issue with this since we have moved south and are closer with his family. His family has stolen items from me over the years since moving here and my H has not told them to stop. From my expensive jewlery to even underwear, small statues ect. Can't remember everything just always something comes up missing after a wkend with one of them here. Now last night he friend male who we are both friends with became angry with me over something. He was loud and rude - I sat there and figured I would let H tell him if he had a problem to speak to me as an adult and I would be willing to talk. Nothing. He just sat there. Finally I looked straight at him stood up and said listen if you have something to say to me talk to me as an adult. Now we are both business people out in a public place there was no need for his behavior as the issue was easily taken care of. It was over something small and he made a very big deal over it. If you want details I will supply. My H went over and sat with his friend and left me alone for over 40 minutes. I was not happy with this, so I paid our bill. I did not handle this well from this point on. I got up went outside and decided to leave and let H stay with his friend. This was a trigget to me over what he had been doing over the last 2 years.He had been ignoring me in public and we always took 2 cars. So I would leave and not tell him. Now we drive together and are trying to work on this. He came outside as I was getting onto the car and asked me to stay. He said he was done talking with his friend and was coming over to talk with me. I told him his friends behavior was wrong and his friend needed to say he was sorry. He had ignored me from this point on. H stated you never let me have friends. Now he has said this when he wants his family over for a weekend - I have to hide my things and box other things up. I have had to give things to neighbor to hold till they leave. He always whines that I don't let him have people over. I said H listen we always have your friend over and I enjoy our friendship but I can't allow someone to treat me that way. He has witnessed you abuse over the last 2 years and has started treating me the same way. I will not allow this anymore from anyone. My question is I do not think my H will ever stand up for me. I do not think he will protect me from these things. How do I except this. I just wish he would tell people ie:family. that this is not acceptable with him for once make me feel safe. Am I asking to much? Men I would love to hear your replies.

I am saddened by his lasck of respect. Does this mean I have no chance for a good marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realtor*:
<strong> I am saddened by his lasck of respect. Does this mean I have no chance for a good marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If a man does not stand up for his wife at all times then he is not worthy of being with that women.

Do you think he should have stood up with me ? I guess he does not love me then. So my BIG question should I move ?

Greegan and anyone else - Do you think he feels I can take care of myself. I am a very confident woman when dealing with others. I have had to fight my battles with WH and his family over the last few years. Setting up my boundries - maybe he feels I do not need any help. He did say when I asked him why -he said you did a preety good job by yourself. Well guess what I do not want to be the one and I feel that he should have said when you speak with my wife do so with respect. Instead he just sat there.

Hi realtor,

I also have this problem with H, esp. with his family. They, esp. his mother, do not respect me at all. They try to be nice, but have also said and done some very awful things to me in the past. At one point, I would let him take the kids to family stuff, but I would stay away. He said that I was putting him in a bad situation, whereas I pointed out that he should stand up to his Mom and he was putting ME in the bad sitch! He still doesn't get it. I just deal with this the best I can. I really feel that it is a lack of respect and that goes deeper than this particular problem.

I did tell him at one point, that if he didn't say something, then I WOULD. That would make it WORSE than if he handled it himself.

I don't think it's a lack of love persay, maybe they (my H and yours) are trying to avoid confrontation, without realizing how it makes us feel. But I have tried to explain it to my H. Hope you have better luck than I have.

jls

I just do not know what to say -I am afraid I am loosing all respect for him. I do not want to tell him this - but may have to. I have heard him stand up to me for his OW. She is so nice ect, ect.

Gosh, I think most of us have been in the situation at least once.

My H and I came up with a couple general rules for these types of things. He and my mother do not get along, never have. It is my responsibility to put her in her place when she's treating my H badly. I don't think it should be my H's responsibility, my mother would just mock any attempt he made to discuss anything with her. So, I defend him.

Same goes for his mother and me. Generally I get along very well with his mom, but there are times we've clashed, and my H stepped up to be the mediator. I just think it works better that way, because he has a stronger attachment to his mom than I do, and she's more likely to take things he says in the proper context and not get defensive.

My H also defended OW to me. Boy, did I want to pummel him in the face!! So, now it's a rule, if XOW says anything negative about me, my family, or my children my H will defend me to the best of his abilities. When they were together he bashed me all of the time, you wouldn't believe the things XOW told me that my H said about me. This was one of my deepest hurts throughout this whole mess. So, I left it up to him to fix it.

Bottom line: if it's his friend, he needs to step up.

Big Hugs (((realtor)))

AVNL

avln - how did you get to talk to the OW -2. why do you believe her ? I am afraid when he said I wount tlet him have any friends he meant the OW. I am sick with this today. I agree and have stated that he needs to step up with his friend. He said he does stand up for me. But never when it is happening and says when I am away. I do not believe him as the abuse continues. I know him if were to say soemthing to someone they would never treat me that way again.

(((bump)))

Realtor,

Are you and your H from very different backgrounds? If he grew up a certain way, he may not understand that there is something wrong with it in your eyes.
My H is from a home that was not at all loving and he was very lonely all his life and really has no idea how to show or verbally express love. Also he cannot accept loving gestures very well from others. It makes him very uncomfortable when someone tries to show love too much, if that makes any sense.
If it were my H and me in your story, I think my H would have reacted much the same way yours did, but that is because that is all he knows.

You didn't share the details of exactly what was said but it seems as if your H didn't see anything wrong with it. If your H has been abusive in the past and is trying to change that, has he let his friends know that he's trying to change?
If the friend has seen your H treat you this way, he obviously feels there is not any harm in treating you that way also.
If this friend does know what you two have been through and are trying to change and improve your relationship, then I do believe he should've respected that and held back on his comments.

Sometimes people just know how to push your buttons though. My brother knows how to push the right buttons with my H and for some reason, this past weekend when he came to visit, he was pushing all the right buttons and I thought they were going to kill each other.
My brother knows very well that my H and I are trying to work on our marriage and my H is trying to be a better person and watch the anger, rages, and so on. Yet, my brother continued to tell my H how things HAD to be done (replacing a floor in our kitchen). Also we have a tree in the front that he said HAS to be cut down because it is dead. He also dumped his ashtray full of cigarette butts from his car into my husband's trailer. There was tons more but I thought my H actually handled it very well and I was proud of him for that. All weekend it was like this. ARGGHH!!

Like I said, my brother knows very well that my husband is trying to be a nicer person etc. My brother has never known my H any other way though and I have to say in my brother's defense, he doesn't know any other way to act around my H.
This is always how they've dealt with each other.

Maybe your H's friend didn't know how else to act also. Does that make sense?
I'm trying to relate situations here and try to see the other person's point of view too. Just to understand.
Not sure if that helped but just wanted to try and come at it from another direction.

Suzy

Suzy - yes his friend knows we are working on our M and R. He also knew and witnessed my H's verbal abuse and did NOT like it. However last night we went out to dinner and his friend showed up and was very nice to me. So I think he knows he was wrong. I was nice back. People at the resteraunt know me and think H's friend was an [censored]. Thye talked to me about it briefly and actually he made a fool out of himself. So I had to laugh. A very nice older woman supported me the night it happened said he was WAY out of line. That I did the right thing. As far as the way my H was brought up -he did not have any lessons on alot and parents kinda of let the children raise themselves. Had a maid ect. They were always out. It's just until these last two years my old H would have stood up for me. So I guess he is not back to loving me totally yet. We shall see. All he said was I thought you did a preety good job all by yourself. Well duh I had no other choice -cause you just sat there. Duh.

Realtor,

I did not read other's responses as I have to get working here, but I do not think this means he doesn't love you.

I think it means he doesn't have very much backbone.

I would try working on this with him if I were you. Sitting back and letting him take the lead once in awhile.

For instance when someone is rude to you in front of him and you can politely excuse yourself from your husband if he doesn't speak up. Give him time first before you leave and let him know in a polite manner that your feelings have been stepped on and you must excuse yourself. I would not waste my time telling somone off, I would just leave their company.

Keep the communication open with husband about this in as loving and non dj'g a way possible.

I would not like people in my house or life who would steal from me. This sounds like a boundary you should have to me, even if they are relatives. Just meet them away from your home if you feel you need to keep them in your life because they are family.

I agree with you and so does WH -until they start begging to come here. His sisters cry and carry on so. They want to go out on our boat and fish -they live 2 1/2 hrs away and say they have night blindness and can not drive home. He said he told them to get a hotel room. But he caves everytime. He gets angry with me and has told me to pack my stuff so they can not take my stuff. Well I say if I have to pack then I move. You are 100% correct he does need a back bone. I will take your suggestion and next time just polietly walk away. Go ourside and kill a gator -take my anger out on them. It just burns my a$$ that he doesn't stand up -as he used to and it made me feel safe and loved.

Weaver ???? for you Where do I go to buy a backbone -and do they come with warranties ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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