I'm just trying to figure out if a WS can feel and be in almost as much pain as the BS. My H i feel sometimes is having a harder time with what he did to me. believe me i'm in alot of pain. do WS really loose there train of thought for a while. My H worked full time with over time and went to school full time.He was always stressed out. He had an A with a co-worker that lasted under two months. sex only once says he did'nt finish was in a car in the parking lot and he got scared. They talked on the phone.says he was twisted and really can't say why he did this. says he will spend the rest of his life making up for this.Can this be true in some cases that WS are caught up in so much they get them selves into trouble?

Thanks
LL

My FWW was racked with guilt during the A and I think D-Day for her was a release. She had NC for two months before D-Day and only told me of the A because of overwhelming guilt. So while my pain started on D-Day, for her she was able to block it. I think I wanted her to have just as much pain as me at the same time. Just the other day I came home and she was freakin out because all the things she did hit her and she couldn't block it. She said it kept looping in her mind and she saw fully what she did and how low it was. I felt finally she feels what I am feeling, since before that I thought she could block it a little too easy.

Hi LL,

I don't know if there is one right answer to this but I can give my opinion.

After being here a long time and reading numerous responses of both WS and BS alike,I truly feel that the BS has more pain than the WS.Of course both people are in pain and I know there will be other's along who have differing opinions and even wonder why this topic came up again(it has before) but the horrifying betrayal of a spouse in this manner is almost unspeakable.The word betrayal doesn't even really describe it all.

While we are in such terrible pain from the discovery of the A,the WS is out and about having dinner,going to movies,sharing intimate details with the OP,purportedly having great sex all over the place(PUKE)and living a new,infatuated life that there is just no comparison to me.Yes, they may have terrible guilt for what they have done at some point,but it is not the same.They also have the "advantage" in many cases,of still having a loving, supportive spouse doing MB principles right there "waiting" for their return (under certain conditions).

There's no doubt that everyone gets hit hard in this(some are also both a WS once and a BS too) and it's not really a question of who is hurt more but rather why does this keep happening over and over in society today? Why are people continually risking everything and destroying marriages/families?

Regardless,it's a CHOICE that they make,a choice to cheat.I think many or most BS's would love for their WS's to go back in time and walk in their shoes so they could see how truly devastating and painful it is to be a BS.

All in all,unless I made the decision to be a WS,I will never know for sure who hurts more but it's all relative anyway.

O

edited for typos

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

IMHO....I do believe that the WS CAN and sometimes does suffer more pain than the BS.

I mean really....when you think about it....

The WS cheated.
The WS caused pain.
The WS caused suffering.
The WS created a web of lies.
The WS created an environment for who knows how many people gets hurt. The OP is not blameless in this though.
The WS created a very unstable environement for their children ( if there are children involved)
The WS takes risks that are not normal for their nature.


Sure...as the BS....having been cheated on, lied to, disrespected and so on.....it causes a great deal of pain to have those things DONE to you.

BUT.....don't you think that the person who CAUSED it all could feel more pain because they are in fact the reason for it all?

It's not really a matter of who has more pain or suffering though.

It's what you do to work through it that really matters.

JMHO

Just today..after our session with MC my I told my XW..."I know that my triggers are irrational (because of reopened wounds caused by her lying about details of the affair for a few months), when I am "out there" and you see it you react as if you're mad at me. I told her that it is at that point she needs to remind me of her love for me. Her response was " Do you know how it makes me feel to know you're in such pain, that I am the cause of it" Reality is I do not have a clue how she feels....

So yes they sure feel pain...it's not the same though is it. That pain is part of the price for what they do (did). The BS is an innocent bystander to their ACTIONS. I hold my self accountable for how I made her feel about me, our marriage and ultimately herself.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Send me on my way ]</small>