Hello folks,
Just a bit of background. I am presently in a fairly new relationship (a bit over a year now) I am a divorced woman and the divorce was not due to any type of affair on my part nor my FS. The man I am presently with is also divorced. His divorce was due to, of course, many marital problems which were unresolved. He had an affair with a woman during the time he was married to his exW. The affair lasted close to 1 year and ended about 1 year prior to the end of his marriage. His reasons for having that affair were because his ENs to feel desired, to have his wife initiate intimacy and to have any intimacy at all were not fulfilled by his W for close to 2 years before going for the alternative. I know this is HIS past, I even understand the fact that he had an affair for the reasons which he did because I know what it was like to feel undesired by my EX, and the desperation to have intimate relations when there is a lack of this for a long period of time. BUT... big BUT here, I still feel insecure about the fact that my man actually had an affair and am afraid that he is capable of having one again. Am I wrong to think this way ? It's funny, but I feel like I need to forgive him for something that he didn't even do to me !!! Not sure how to deal with my feelings. For those of you who are FWS, Divorced, and in new relationships, is having an affair something that you would once again be vulnerable to? Can it become an addiction even if a person has had an affair only once in their lives? I would really appreciate any help and insight anyone could offer.

Peace,
Odyssey

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: everlong ]</small>

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: everlong ]</small>

No way, no how, never would I ever commit adultery again. Aside from the obvious horrible consequences to everyone involved, the fact of the offense against God would stop me.

You should discern in the case of your man whether it is fear of repeat behavior or stigma that is concerning you. Any history of adultery is a dealbreaker for some, which is fine.

Do you know this guy well enough to ask him this question (would you do it again) and why or why not? Would consequences or values (or both) stop him?

Good luck.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: everlong ]</small>

Hi Everlong,
Can't tell you enogh how much I appreciate your response. About the discernment, I agree with you and I can definitely respond that it is a fear on my part that he repeat this behavior but with me this time. I also realise ( with the logical part of my mind) that his affair was situational and that my guy is not some sort of "serial-cheater". To answer your question, yes we do have the type of relationship where I could ask him if he would ever have an affair again, why or why not. My task will be to trust whatever answer he gives me and go from there.

Thank you so much

Peace,
Odyssey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Odyssey:
I am presently in a fairly new relationship (a bit over a year now)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because of his past A ... and the fact that this is a new relationship, I would just suggest to you ... that you do not make a marriage committment with this man until you have a longer track record with him. At least 2.5 years I'd say.

Really see him during adverse difficult times. See how he handles stress.

You would perhaps benifit from talking to his XW also. There may be a little sugar-coating going on ... as to the level of his contribution to his own failed marriage.

I'm just saying........... wait awhile and keep your eyes open.

Pep

Hi Pepperband,
Thanks for your reply. I agree with you about waiting a while longer before any commitment of the marriage-sort. Regardless, I am committed to this relationship wholeheartedly already... with eyes peeled open! I actually have spoken to his exW and there was no sugar coating on his part. His exW admitted that after the birth of their first child, she lost complete interest in having intimate relations with her husband. She also mentionned that he turned her off because he seemed to be "a dreamer" because he thought he was going to be extremely successful at his career and make big bucks one day. While he worked hard to make a living to support his family, she took care of the kids & the house and then worked as well. Well, this "dreamer" that this woman had no faith in, is really making out well for himself and his two boys. What I understood from her story, is that the two drifted away from one another and her ex (my guy) was always trying to mend the marriage, but she kept pushing him away. She even said that she couldn't blame him fully for the affair!!!!
Still... I feel i need to continue to keep my eyes well peeled...

Thanks again,
Peace,
Odyssey

It is good to be asking you are asking these questions. You sound like you know enough to have quizzed his friends and families thoroughly about the guy, so:

There are 2 kinds of FWS: those who learn from their mistake(s), and those who don't.

The reason a person has an A is because they don't know how to address the problem in the M. Rather than facing the problem and saying, "either we fix this or we get divorced", he has an A. So, do you and he know how to fight? Do you and he know how to resolve your differences?

I had an A 12 years ago have been "true blue" since. But, I'm not the same person I was when I had the A. I was in IC for 2 years, read a lot of books, and had a lot of personal growth. If he changed and became a better person, I'ld say that the likelihood of him having an A is pretty small.

I had a friend of mine in a situation similar to yours. She got married, and they started going to marriage retreats and marriage workshops almost immediately. They went to maybe two a year. They have been married for 15 years or so, and the M appears to be pretty good.

A word of caution: There are people (both male and female) who simply can't keep their pants on. They have As the way you and I eat popcorn. If he is "one of those", forget it.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

What would worry me about this man would be an inability or unwillingness to explain himself.

Still, he could have given you a set of platitudes that he thought would satisfy your need for an answer. I do agree that you need to see how he handles adversity, and, in particular, in situations that reveal his values. You need to know who he is before making any kind of commitment.

It will be interesting to hear (can you share it here?) what he says when you ask him this question.

As I told Pep (when we met Sunday), I have a theory about recovery/repentance: if it's real, there will be lots of vivid, messy details. Because it's a struggle, a struggle with self. If it's not, you'll get platitudes--things that sound good, but tell you nothing about this person trying to grow.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> His reasons for having that affair were because his ENs to feel desired, to have his wife initiate intimacy and to have any intimacy at all were not fulfilled by his W for close to 2 years before going for the alternative. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like you accept this as a valid reason to have an A while married.

His wife didn't blame him for the A because she drove him to it. Did he lie to her about his A during that year? Did he willingly confess at some point prior to their D? Did he really do all he could to fix their marital problems prior to his A and D. Did either or both of them have IC or MC? Did they try any marriage enrichment seminars? Did you do any of these things prior to your D?

I have to wonder what other excuses or missing EN's may cause him to allow himself to have another A while married.

What did he learn about himself and his integrity from that experience? How would he handle marital differences in a future marriage? What does commitment mean to him?

You don't have to answer any of my questions for me...just asked them as food for thought to answer for yourself.

Maybe you could get the book 'Fall in Love, Stay in Love' by Harley and HNHN and work through them together. Do all you can to affair proof your future marriage should you choose to marry him.

Hi Jimmy Mac,
Thank you for sharing your story and the good advice. My guy has indeed gone thru counselling, not only to figure out why he had the A to begin with, but also to recover from both his marriage and his A. He still works on himself in various ways, through readings, IC, etc. I agree with you Jimmy M, there IS a difference between the one-timer and the serial-cheater who is addicted. I think I need to read up a bit on the differences. As far as I know, my guy has only had one affair, in the 17 years that he was married.

Trix, to answer your question, no I don't accept it as a valid reason, but I do understand it. I was in the same boat when I was Married as he was. I know what it feels like to feel lonely within a marriage and to be tempted to seek elswhere for the affection, sex, conversation, desire... I never crossed the line to having any affair if anykind, so this is why I'm here trying to understand the dynamics and the differences between different types of affairs. Oh, thanks for the suggestion on reading the Harley book. We'll do.

Everlong,
One thing my man is, is open to communication, explanations, working things thru. When I told him that the one thing that bothers me is the whole bit about his A, he invited me to talk to his ex so that I may have a better picture of the whole situation at the time. I can't remember who asked me, but yes his W at the time was aware of the A. The story according to him & his EX was that when he would try to approach her, to take care of her, to be affectionate, she would tell him things like "I can't, go find it somewhere else, as long as you don't bring home a disease". My mouth fell to the floor when I heard this from both parties. At first I couldn't believe it and then several months later it was confirmed by the EX when I spoke to her!!! The insight that my guy had gained thru IC (his W refused to participate), was that financial difficulties at the time, plus being absent due to a new business he started up at the time of the birth of their first child, put a large strain on the M, something he was unable to see at the time, but acknowledges that his role in all of this and his inability to be part of creating a balance in the marriage, did a lot of damage. When he realised the damage, he tried hard to change, but his W was unforgiving and kept him at bay. After many years of this type of thing, he looked elsewhere.

Thanks so much everyone for your help !!! May god bless each & every one of you in your own personal journeys.

Peace,
Odyssey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Odyssey:
<strong>I still feel insecure about the fact that my man actually had an affair and am afraid that he is capable of having one again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe that we are all capable of having an affair. Even those who have never, would never, etc... are not infallible. And those who have cheated, perhaps have learned their lesson and are 'safer' than one who has riden the high horse their whole life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't use this as your criteria in determining wether or not to worry. Use your judgement of his character as it is now, and go from there.

dewt

Odessey,

You don't mention how long you or your BF have been divorced. It seems that he is open and that he has learned from that situation. Therefore, fears along those lines are probably minimal. HOWEVER, (you knew that was coming right?) the affair would not be the show stopper for me, as much as the residual baggage from the previous marriages (that means BOTH of you).

Your marriage failed as well, thus HE should have some concerns along those lines, especially since his exW seems to have sort of dumped into no man's land. I think the issues of baggage from the previous marriage, and residual feelings about the ex-spouses should be explored.

That means that I am with Pep on this, take your time, talk alot, but even more importantly explore YOURSELVES as well as each other.

Those are my words of caution. Second marriages have a poor success rate, and it has to do with baggage and lessons unlearned from the first marriage, plus there is often the issue of children from the first marriages which can cause problems for the second.

So go slow, do some reading here, and welcome to MB.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Dewt & JL,
Thank you for your responses to my post. I truly appreciate all the insight everyone here provides.

Dewt, just to clarify, I have never been on a high horse and am certainly not in judgement of anyone who has has an A. I know what it is to be vulnerable and even what it is to be tempted. However, I don't know what it is like to have had an A. I aggree with you though, that I should be jugding who he is NOW. Unfortunately & fortunately, our pasts have everything to do with who we are as people today.

JL,
I agree totally with you that the A is not the show stopper, and yes, the "negative" baggage from both marriages are certainly a greater concern, and absolutely, many of our conversations have to do with not only residual feelings and issues about our past marriages, but also about our past "dating relationships" and what went wrong in those as well. Oh yes, FYI, I am divorced now for a little over 2 years and he has been for close to 3 years.
I hear you loud & clear whe you say go slow & explore one another and our own selves as well. So this is where I am at for now and this is where my man is at as well.

Thanks again to everyone here.

Peace,
Odyssey

I had a brief affair in my first marriage. I had been begging my x to go into marriage counselling for at least a year. I told him I realized that I was the one who had changed, that my emotional needs weren't getting met, that I loved him and wanted to keep our family together, but wasn't willing to accept things as they were. He put me off multiple times. Finally told me "I'd rather blow my brains out than admit there was something wrong with my mind and have to go to counseling".

I was devestated...and felt hopeless. I wish I would have had the courage to divorce him right then and there, but we had two young sons and I didn't want them to go through a divorce. About this same time I met a man on a professional basis. He was able to express his emotions..talk about feelings...etc. I thought he was my infamous "soulmate". I hadn't ever heard the term "fog" at that time, and would have probably denied it anyhow. We had an affair that lasted about two months. My husband confronted me and I acknowledged that it happened. Even then he didn't think counseling was needed...just that I should "stop seeing the OM and everything in our marriage would be fine." We eventually ended up in marriage counselling, but divorced 4 years later. He just wasn't able to make any changes to meet my emotional needs and I would no longer accept going to an "empty well".

I remarried and my 2nd husband ended up having an affair. We were 47 and she was 21. (The ole what goes around comes around!...Ouch! ) During that time there was one instance where I was tempted to cheat because of my damaged sense of self-esteem and to "get even" with my WS. But....and this is the point I'm trying to make...I knew from my first affair that it would never, ever, solve anything. It would only complicate things and cause more pain for everyone. All for a temporary "fix" for my wounded ego.

I had learned that an affair was not based on the reality of the day to day stresses a couple faces in life. It's easy to be a "soulmate" when you don't have to be a down-to-earth mate! I had worked too long and too hard in individual therapy to settle for an outside fix for my self-esteem. The reality was that my self-esteem was an inside job that I had to heal.

There's obviously no guarantee that someone wouldn't cheat again. But I do know that for myself, with a lot of soulsearching and individual therapy, I learned better ways to cope, assert myself, set boundaries, and improve my self-esteem. It obviously didn't stop my 2nd husband from having an affair, but it stopped me!

Oh Dear Heartfailure,
Thank you so much for your posting ! Your story sounds so much like my man's and i appreciate you sharing it with me... it somehow reassures me. I asked my guy last night if he would ever have an affair again if things were ever to go wrong for us, and he gave me verymuch the same words you did here; with everything he has learned about himself, considering the hell he went thru with guilt, feelings of betraying another person, the damage he had done not only to himself but to everyone around him including his kids, with everything he has learned about coping and dealing with conflict, working things out, he doesn't believe he could ever have an affair again. You know what, I think I am making progress at trusting him with that.

Thanks so much!

Peace,
Odyssey