I am sorry that I am jumping on and off here.
I do not have a computer at home and I am using the one in my office, it gets a little busy here.
I agree with all the advice. I have tried the legal aid route. I make to much money.
I paid to get the legal documents and I have them.
The problem is with OC.
H wants his name off the BC and I am waiting for OM to do that. It is taking time.
I am going slowly on this so that I protect myself. He is acting very strange with the new woman in his life.
It seems like he does not care about anything but her. Our youngest called me crying one night because he had to see her again. He said that Dad told him if he ruined this for him that he would make his life hell.
I did not know what to say.
I told him that she might be a good person..
I told him that dad was probably hurt and sometimes we say things we don't mean when we are hurt.
I told H that if he and the GF were going to be together that maybe they needed to calm him down when he calls me crying 45 minutes.
H said he was just fine until he talked to me on the phone.
I think the salution was to quit giving me phone access now.
This is why I am in no hurry about the D and why i feel I need to take things slowly.
I am doing what I can but it does not seem quick enough for him and he starts gettin ugly.
It makes me want to throw my hands up and say Screw this. I don't think I can go through anymore. The sadest thing about all of this is I think he finds pleasure in it at times.
Knowing how he is hurting me with the boys.

I'm really glad that you are here, and that you seeking answers. Keep coming back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Did you see Losthusbands last post on your "children" thread? He said some really good stuff in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We all have our comfort zone, and our own time frames, but I'm not understanding "taking it slowly". Why? How slow? When? Just wondering what you're thinking.

Faith1

Lucidity,
from my standpoint, anyone....OM, OW, that engages in an affair with a married person, is not a good person and you have no obligation to position OW that way to anyone. As a matter of fact, you may be communicating the entirely wrong message to your youngest. Now, I admit I dont know the age of your youngest, or the timing of when OW came into your WH's life. That being said though, I cannot understand how these WS's think that because they are separated they can do as they please. I believe that as long as you are under a marital contract and the divorce is final, that you should remain faithful to whom you are married. Just my opinion though and there is now way I would position myself as an experienced MB'er.

crushedntexas,
"not a good person" ... hmmmmm.... good people do bad things. right?

lucidity was trying to keep turmoil as low as possible for these boys, that have been through some the highest, unimaginable turmoil for MANY years now, by helping him see as much positive in his life. I see nothing wrong with that.

Faith,
I can certainly see your point. But in my view, when it comes to children I dont think negative behavior should be positioned as anything other than what it is.
As for the exact situation, I did offer the qualifier of not knowing anything other than what was in the first post of the thread. Maybe I should do a little more research on other's sitchs before coming on so strong. I find myself being pretty opinionated these days. I appreciate your input. That is what makes this forum so great. If you step out of line, there are plenty of folks that will let you know it.

Crushed,

I think in lucidity's position, she's doing the best she can with the comminication with the boys - so far as she has reported it to us.

Lucidity,

I don't see any reason to wait on the D. Yes, your H wants his name off the birth certificate. But that should not hold up the D. I know he'll be angry to have to pay CS for somebody else's child (if that happens), but you can always informally agree to give that money back to him if that's what he's worrying about.

Again I say. I don't know TX law, but in our state (AL), the very fact that you have filed for D puts temporary visitation rules into effect. If you file, which need not cost much money at all ($200 maybe - if you do the papers yourself), you will immediately (again in our state) have temporary visitation orders.

Look into that.

-AD

Don't you give up Lucidty. Throw your hands up in the air all you want, but don't you give up.

Your children need you and you need them.
Everyone here on MB is going to stick by you in this, so get tough and hang on.

((((((Lucidity)))))

lucidity:

Did I understand correctly? You are not DV'd yet and H2Y has a GF?

-ol' 2long

Folks,

Unless you go way back and read AlL of the posts by both Lucidity and her H you have NO idea what a mess this is. I mean a real mess. Empty may NOt be a paragon of virtue but Lucidity left him high and dry with those kids for years and had a child with OM.

It is a big big mess and a lot of people have been seriously hurt and harmed.

So go slowly on the judgements.

JL

JL:

Yep, aware of most of the his2ry.

Can't believe that either one of them put up with the other's behavior for as long as they have. And yes, that's a judgment, but one of behavior, not people.

Even messy messes need solutions.

-ol' 2long

I never left anyone High and Dry.
Did I leave H, you bet ya.
Did I leave my kids, yes.
I felt if I took all 5 boys my chances of trying to give them a better life would be 0.
So leaving them high and dry, I would have to disagree.
None of you have any idea the hell I have been through with emtpy.
He has sat for years and played the poor pity me act. He is as much to blame for this mess as I am. I have never sat on here and told lies about Empty. I came on here for help occasionaly or check in and see what H had been saying. I am not the only one who has been affected by Empty.
I have plenty of family memebers who would tell you just what kind of a man he is.
If he has been alone with our boys all these years it is because he will not grant me access.
I am sorry for my boys that I did not have the money to fight for them.
I slept with emtpy on and off just to be able to see my children.
That in itself was hard enough.
Everything with Empty has come with a price.
There is no agreeing with him or even holding a discussion anymore.
He is right.
He truly believes that he is the one eyed King.
Justification.
Do you know that he would not let me know he had a girlfriend.
Do you know he would not tell me her name.
What was he afraid of.
Me doing what he has done to me the last 7 years of this hell.
Let me look her up, send her photos of her family and email nasty emails to her.
Never..
It's never over until Empty says its over.
He never did a plan A-B_C_D
why because then he would loose CONTROL
I am pissed.
I want this to end..
I don't care to breath the same air as this man.
I hate him everytime he answers the phone.
I don't care to ever see him ever again.
I met his GF, she is everything on the outside that i had to be in bed to him.
He has exactly what he deserves after all the crap he put me through. I am talking way before I left.
I am hurt, crying and just want this whole thing to end.

Do you want this to end? That's what I hear you saying. Then KEEP LOOKING FORWARD.

Please lucidity, everyone... please don't drag up the past. Like JL said, this story is very long and complicated, and it will do MORE HARM than good to drag up details, and argue over them.

lucidity, look at the cards that are on the table NOW, and let us help you move FORWARD.

Did you see Losthusbands last post on your "children" thread? He said some really good stuff in there.

We all have our comfort zone, and our own time frames, but I'm not understanding "taking it slowly". Why? How slow? When? Just wondering what you're thinking.

Have you ever torn off a bandaid slowly? It hurts a lot more than ripping it off quickly. Sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Quick emotional decisions are bad, but slow, drawn-out pain upon yourself is bad too!

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

FAITH
I AM GOING SLOW BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT EMPTY IS UP TO.
I TRUST NO ONE BUT MYSELF.
EMPTY IS FULL OF INSULTS AND SEEMS TO ENJOY HAVING THE UPPER HAND, I THINK THAT IS WHY THIS IS STILL GOIN ON THE WAY IT IS.
I PAID FOR THE PAPER WORK FROM COMPLETECASE.COM
EMPTY AGREED TO SIGN.
WE WERE GOING TO TRY AND DO IT WITHOUT INVOLVING OC AND JUST PUTTING THE TWO BOYS ON.

THEN ONE OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS ASKED IF I WOULD SIGN A STATEMENT SAYING I LIED AND PUT EMPTY ON THE BC WITHOUT HIS PERSMISSION.
DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT EITHER.

I HAVE THE PAPERWORK AVAILABLE TO ME ON THE WEBSITE I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT OC IN THERE
IT IS A LITTLE COMPLICATED AND I DON'T HAVE A COMPUTER AT HOME TO WORK ON IT.

Well (((Lucidity))), Billy the “Thread Killer” is back for one more go around and please if you want me to go away, just say so.

I read through you last post, and WOW, look where you are focusing all your attention and energy. Right now, you are still giving him control over your life, why don’t you take that back? I ain’t exactly sure where to start but I do know that some of it has to come with learning to love and respect yourself.

So then the question, how do you get to a place where you love and respect yourself. If there was a universal answer to that and I was the one who figured it out, then I wouldn’t need to be hanging around these boards, that’s for sure. I can tell you how I got there. First in my everyday living I practiced one simple phrase “I can’t, He can, I’ll let Him”. Easy enough. If you believe in God, then you’ll understand that phrase, so apply it. Realize where your control is and only practice that. You’d be so surprised how many things and situations we stress about that we have absolutely no control over. So reducing stress was major for me.

Next I worked on forgiveness. Forgiveness of my mom, dad, sisters, x-wife, OM, um guy at the gas station, ummmm check-out lady at Wal-Mart, and on and on… Anybody that I was carrying around any resentment, no matter how small, I worked on forgiving them. Then the kicker, forgiveness of me. WOW.. I forgave myself. Once I realized how much I resented me, it was pretty darn scary. Now, there is a way that I did all this and if you’re interested just ask.

But let me tell you one thing. When I no longer gave power to any situation in my life over me, any person in my life over me, and me over me, my life changed immediately. Doesn’t mean that my close relationships necessarily changed because I was the only thing that changed in the situation. But when my eyes were wide opened, I could clearly see what was good/right and what was bad/wrong. I’m no longer “stuck on stupid” and everyday I make progression.

So, I’ll repeat this for the last time:

There is another way of life. Within you is the ability to break free from this self-imposed sentence of misery and pain. Let someone help you find that. In my reading, I found basically the exact same questions 1.5 years ago, you are stuck. You and only you can get yourself unstuck but it doesn’t have to be a journey experienced alone.

I have no idea what your current friendships or relationships are like but if these boards are any indicator then it appears you have trouble letting people in. What are you afraid of? Yes, you’ve done bad things but most anyone who draws a breath has done bad things, just some of us to a higher degree. Let someone in. Find someone (not a romantic partner) and let them know you, the real you, all of you. You’d be surprised what a difference it makes. Not only because it helps you to get all your crap out to someone but they can also call “BullS(*&” when your going in a wrong direction.

Until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of this issue it is going to be what it is. You have to seek, find, and grasp what control you have in the matter and use it. You can do this.

Until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired of this issue it is going to be what it is. You have to seek, find, and grasp what control you have in the matter and use it. You can do this.

Excellent advice Bill.

I agree with Faith1 also, what is past is past. Now is what matters.

I am no one, but what I hear is a mothers pain. If a mother is in pain for her children it is because she knows her children need her. And they need her on a consistant, regular basis.

I am sad for you Lucidity, and for your boys. Hope this ends soon, and a visitation schedule is set up for all your sakes.

Billy the “Thread Killer” is back bump, bump, bumping this one up for Lucidity...