I was thinking to myself everyones says that the easy way is to divorce you WS, but is it really? Sometimes I think the easy way out is staying cause I am afraid that I won't find anyone else. It's kinda like the battered wife syndrome. Why does the battered wife stay in a marriage that is full of abuse? (I hope this does not offend anyone.) I know that if I stay it will be lots of work and not easy by any means. But like I said I feel like it would be easier than getting a divorce and then dealing with the grief and then going through the dating scene trying to find someone. I would like other opinions.

Every situation and every person is different so it's impossible to make a blanket statement about which is easier.

For me, it was easier to dump him and move on. I had no intention of staying with him. But, I had only been married 4 months and had no children with him. However, he changed my mind by demonstrating his committment to our marriage so I am still with him.

Someone who has been married 20 years with 3 kids will have a much greater investment to consider!

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Not only is ML speakin' the truth (as always), you will also have to take into consideration that NO MATTER WHAT, you will have to heal....and either way that's gonna take loads of time.

- Kimmy

Did someone say 'easy'?
*looks around* Nope, I don't see anything easy...

Danielle

Agreed on all counts, except that I don't stay because I'm afraid I won't find someone else. I would be just fine alone, thanks. I have the 20 years Mel mentioned, and although it's sad, that's not "it" either. Mel did hit it with her mention of the children. That's "it". Yes, I have to heal either way, but sometimes I actually think it would be easier to heal by myself.

Then again, I'm not in a great place right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better?
PM

I guess easy was not the greatest choise in words. I am not trying to say that either is easy, but what are peoples true reasons for staying in a marrage with a spouse who totally did the most devasting thing a spouse can do? If you could see into the future and say that if you got divorced and found someone else and was real happy would you stay in the current marriage? maybe this is a stupid question but would like your opinions and thoughts.

I hope oneone finds this thread discouraging if anyone does I will delete it if i can.

I don't think it's a stupid question. But I do think it is a question to which there will be as many different answers as there are people on this forum. I'm struggling with answering that question for myself right now.

MelodyLane mentioned something I have thought about a lot, that not having kids makes a difference. We don't have any kids, which takes away one thing that a lot of people on here seem to consider a very important reason for at the very least attempting to work it out.

I think it is a great topic. Sometimes I wonder myself. The thought of recovery is an amazing thought in my mind. My children having their father...and mother under one roof. I can't express what I would do for that. THAT is what would make the harder choice better for ME personally. Will I ever get that chance? Probably not...

Danielle

runner, if I could look in the future, I could also look in the future and determine if I was happy with my current H. I think that many marriages are salvagable after affairs, some are not. I am glad that I did give my H a second chance and have not regretted that decision since recovery.

My only true reason for staying in the marriage is that my H wanted the opportunity to prove to me that he could redeem himself. I wanted to stay with him long enough to be able to say I "tried" before I dumped the bum. But...........here I am years later and he is no longer a "bum," but a prince whom I adore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just feel like yea its nice to know that I tried everything to save this marriage and that may give me some comfort but also I think I would also give me grieve as well. That I was the only one who gave a damn about our marriage.

Staying = working your butt off to rebuild a mortally wounded relationship.

Leaving = grieving, harsh grieving.

Both hard, and very different.

There's no easy road for the BS anywhere. The only cop-out I know of is a rebound affair, which, glory be, that can turn out to be pretty rough on you in the end too.

GC

runner,

That is a question most of us ask ourselves numerous times daily. I left almost 1 year ago into Plan B after giving her a R attempt that she failed in two days. I left with the clothes on my back and whatever I could throw in my car. I often wonder if I should have stayed put and dealt with her dishonesty directly. I am often jolted out of that train of thought by the almost inevitable relapses that WS's go through.

While I feel that I am a strong individual, my WW's continued relationship with the OM and probably OM #2 & #3, would have left me curled in a fetal position on some railroad tracks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Thank God I did not have to go through another or yet another D-Day after the first two.

The grass is always greener, even in the stay/no stay BS dilemma

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>