I'm new on this and pretty computer illiterate. I posted a question on a thread and can't find it so maybe I can keep track of this.
I need advise on how to tell my husband that he is not meeting my needs without making a big deal out of it. He doesn't respond well "sit down talks". I have been married before and don't want to make the same mistakes. Being a doormat. Some men posted that now that their wives are leaving they realize they were [censored]. My question: what could the wife have done/said earlier to make the husband know she is unhappy.

mwolf, welcome to MB. Here is the link to your first post on GQ2 click here

Maybe a little background would help us. Are you dealing with infidelity? Who had the A if that is the case? What was the dday and is the WS in NC now?

Hi mwolf:

Welcome. Don't worry about computer-skills. Most of us can't read, so no big deal! (kidding)

It's a great thing that you're here and asking for help before making a serious mistake. Your H should be thankful. Your question is a good one and you should get lots of response.

It's a shame that your H won't sit down and talk. Will he read? Please give us a little more info.

FR

Thanks all.
This is my 4th marriage and my husbands 3rd. I chose very poorly the other times. Liars, cheaters, and abusers. This one is none of those things. What I'm concerned about is what he doesn't do. He is not romantic at all which I have learned to live with but he also is a hermit whenever he can get away with it. We run our own home business and I cover his butt so he can play video games quite a bit. I am an artist and want him to cover me sometimes too. He refuses saying I'm asking to much. He does the very minimum. He ignores me most of the time. I just want him to pay attention to me and support me in what I like to do even though it is very different from what he likes to do. It makes me sad when on a daily basis he makes me feel like I don't matter at all and all I'm good for is working so he doesn't have to. He gets very defensive when I want to talk. He says that translates into me telling him what's wrong with him. I know he has baggage from other relationships, and I always am thaughtful of his feelings. I don't want to be a nag. I know he is not responsible for my happiness, but he is a part of it and I am unhappy. I want to find a way to tell him what I need in a way that he will be receptive. Really all I want is to be shown love and respect.

I hope you are not choosing men that will not meet your needs. Your husband sounds like mine - he just never cared to meet my needs.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this. The only one you can change right now is you.

believer, thanks for replying. I know I chose poorly all my life. I even chose so badly that it could be called self-injureous behavior. I chose this one for what he isn't maybe more than what he is. I think this one is a good one and the marriage is going fine on many levels, I'm just not getting out of it what I put in. I want to stop the decline before it gets out of control. any suggestions?
M

mwolf,

I read in one of your other post that your ex-H cheated before you were married. How did you find out about the A, what were the circumstances; ages, how long had you known your H before M, etc.?
What were the things that attracted you to your current H? How long have u been M?

I too seem to find myself w/ cheaters and liars, but I was so careful this time to make sure that my H wasn't that way,...now I'm here on MB trying to find answers and peace.

My story is here: click here. Have to scroll down a couple of post.

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

white dove,
I read the whole thread. I feel for all of you. Mine was in the Air force. He was a habitual adulteror. He hasn't changed in 20 years. We have been divorced for 15, but had contact because of the kids. I found out 2 years ago that he molested my oldest daughter (not his biological). Long story.
I found out about the first A while playing a game of scruples or something like that. He admitted it, thought is was funny. Said it was ok because we weren't married yet. Everyone else at the table was appalled. During the 3 years I was married to him, he slept with about 25 women and girls (14 to 60). Some of his buddys participated with him. He had sex with a young girl at one of his married friends houses and offered the guy some action too and the guy turned him down and told his wife who told me.So there are good ones out there. Out of my H's shop of about 10 guys 7 including his cheif slept with this one little 14 year old. Only one turned down the offer, the other two were women.
The hard part about it was that when we went to counceling the first councelor told me to leave him. I didn't. the next councelor was a chaplin who told him "we all have lurid thoughts, I had them when I first saw your wife" It was all nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Finally after he tired to kill me. He went to correctional custody for 30 days. I tried to get a divorce. We were in Germany at the time. The legal office could not help me. A clerk in the office slipped me a note on my way out with the name of a German attorney or I wouldn't have gotten a divorce for years. Then 1989, not sure if it's the same now, you couldn't bring any legal action against a military person while they were overseas. His female commander made my life hell. Told him to take my checkbook and car etc. The base commander tried to send me home before my court date and refused to see me until my sister called her congressman who launched a congressional investigation. That man was pissed. He hated me. It was the hardest fight I have ever been through until now with the legal system and trying to get justice for my daughter.
He was diagnosed with a personality disorder and the shrink said there was no way I could have known even if I had known him for longer than 8 months before I married him because he was so good at hiding it. Although he turned out to be the worst husband, I chose poorly other times and kind of had a gut feeling beforehand that I ignored. I was abused as a child and learned that you seek what you know and I did. I abused myself in that way. I have come a long way and am a victim no more and have struggled with not playing the victim in my marriage. I am succeeding for the most part. I am now 40. How old are you?

mwolf:

Wow that story makes me so sad, sad for me and sad you, that u had to go through all of that (plus the other stuff you didn't write about ((I know there is more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ))). Sad for me b/c it gives me little comfort to know that ur H was in the Military like mine. And like ur's mine says that it was ok since we weren't M at the time, I also knew my H 7mos before M.

My H is very good at hiding things also, although b/c he is in the military he doesn't have to try very hard. And I'm sure that being a chief (soon to be commissioned at officer) that he also has certain privaleges that others don't have, which makes it very easy.

To answer ur quest I'm 35 and my H is 36 I have 2 daughters (2 and 14) he doesn't have any children, we are expecting our 1st child in Aug 05'-- If you look at the signature after my post it's all there. D-daughter, BS-betrayed spouse, WS-wayward spouse, H-husband W-wife. PA-Physical Affair EA-Emotional Affair. Since you are new hopefully this will help you when reading some of the other post.

Now about your current situation, What were the things that attracted you to your current H? How long have u been M? How well do you communicate with him?

whitedove,
My story is tragic and doesn't give much hope for military marriages. Don't want to give you only doom and gloom. That situation and others made me who I am today. I am strong and very realistic. I make myself happy. How do I add my stuff on the bottom like that. I think it helps you know who you are talking to. I'm so computer illiterate. I have a 21 year old D from 1st marriage. Too young, married low life abuser at age 17. A 17 year old D. Second marriage to the military guy. 5 year old D from this marriage. Married 7 years in Sept. I was married a 3rd time, had no kids. (terminated a pregnancy in that marriage). All of my adult relationships have been pysically and/or emotionaly abusive. This one was my friend for several years before we became involved. He was married. I got to see him in a relationship and see how he handled the end of it. I respected him for being human to her and he was a good friend to me. We got together after his divorce. To be honest we don't communicate as often as I would like, but we do and when we fight, we fight fair almost all of the time. We both are looking for a resonlution, not who is right or wrong. Over the years he has realized that I won't hurt him and has loosened up with his feelings. I have never said anything to him that I regreted. He is a stern father, but a good one. I do have to interviene with my oldest two. We decided after trying and failing that we could not parent my oldest together, she was too old and we had our own way of dealing with things. The second one we still have arguments about, but we work it out. The little one is easier because she is his. This may sound like I am settling because of all the abuse, but I take care of myself. I run my own business. I run my house. He is an equal partner in the business, but I do 90% of the work for the bus. and home. He has my back when I need it and it seems only when I need it. He gives as much as he has to, but he know when he has to get off his butt. If he left or died, I would be just fine on my own and that's the way I like it. I wish sometimes that I had a more intimate relationship, but if this is as good as it gets, I can live with that.
I guess the bottom line is that especially in the military, you have to be strong and independent. My sister's husband retired from the Navy a few years ago. She ran her house with an iron fist and it seems to work for her. She has been married for 22 years. It seems like you are worried that you have chosen poorly too. It's hard to break that cycle. I tried and failed many times and I continue to struggle with not being a doormat. I realized that if you lay down, even the nicest person will wipe their feet on you. I still get taken advantage of, but not more than I can stand. This sounds a little bleak, but really it's not. I am happy most of the time.
M

Wow, we have SOOO much in common, with the exception of the abuse. I also have 2 daughters (3rd D on the way, yep its a girl). 3D's 3 different fathers. I don't think that I choose wrong in M my H. I did everything the right way, but he lied and deceived me into believing that he was something that he was not. There were NO signs of future trouble, believe me I was looking and I would have stopped the R immediately had I seen ANY inconsistencies.

As for your question about telling your H about meeting your needs. You could try a couple of things. One suggestion is to start talking to him about making your M the best that it can be. Use reverse psychology, ask him things like what can I do to be a better wife? Are you happy? How can I make you happier? Make it about him initially, all the while knowing what your real objective is, which is to for you both to start meeting each other needs on a better level. Hopefully he will eventually get on the ban wagon and begin asking you what makes YOU happy and is he meeting you EN. When the time is right print out some topics from MB that you two can discuss.

I did this w/ my H and within about a week he went from wanting a divorce not touching me, moving his things out, to asking me was I happy, saying, "lets go over some MB (Marriage Builders) stuff". Kill him with kindness, and I don't have to tell you not to be a doormat, not to let him take total advantage of you, I think you get the point.

My H (I believe and he will never admit it) is very sensitive and defensive. He thinks that b/c I bring out one bad thing that he did that I'm critizing EVERYTHING he does. For one negative criticism, I have to give him 3 positive criticisms.

You can create and customize your signature by clicking on my profile the click on the "view/update profile" to creat/edit you signature.

I hope this helps!!

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

white dove, thanks! We do have a lot in common. I don't tell a lot of people that I have been married 4 times and have kids from 3 different fathers. People tend to judge. I think people like us are just eternal optimists.
My H and I run a group home. It's 24/7. One of us has to be here at all times, but Sun. we have about 5 hours off. I think I'll try it then. Nice resturant, a couple of drinks. I have to hanle mine with kid gloves too. He has a lot of baggage.
How is it going with you? How's the new baby acting? kicking you alot? How are your other girls handling things? I love girls. Mine are such a joy. My oldest one helps me out all the time, the 2nd one has become so responsible and she tells me she loves me even in front of her friends. The little one tells me I'm butiful and she loves me soooo much and I'm the best mom in the world. I tell all of them that they are my favorite. In front of eachother too and what's funny is they all believe me. Can peole on here e-mail eachother?
M

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

Got it!
M