My WH has stopped the affair and still can't commit to coming home or leaving. He just isn't sure he gain regain his feelings for me. He doesn't know what to do to regain those feelings. I am sure he likes the freedom he has being on his own. We have two children ages 10 and 6.

He isn't willing to go to counselling. He doesn't seem to be talking to anyone about our situation. He keeps saying he is working on it, yet he doesn't come home. Can you give me advise on things I can do to help him want to try? Or things I can do to help him regain his feelings for me? He has been running away from me and our family for over a year now.

Any advise is appreciated.

Thank you,
Alesa

why are you waiting for HIM to make a decision??

if you havent already....move on with your life and live well. let him see what he is missing...

Alesa...
Tough sitch to be in. From time to time you will see posts with a line in it that says, and I have paraphrase it, we cannot change others, only ourselves. This is so true; likewise we cannot make decisions for others, only ourselves....nor should we allow others to make decisions for us. Your WH may actually be in the same predictament you are in. He may be waiting for the OW to decide what she wants....I don't know, but just suggesting a possibility as I know a case where this happened.

Moving on is tough.....sometimes we have to do that but not with a revengeful motif. That can backfire on you. It is not good to be stagnated though. My only advice here would be to move on with your life in the direction YOU choose and if YOU want .........leave the backdoor open for your WH.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH has stopped the affair</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know this for sure?

Why does he say he stoped the affair?

Did OW stop the affair, not your husband?

Was the affair ever exposed to others? Who?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He just isn't sure he gain regain his feelings for me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage is not about feelings.

Marriage is about honoring one's commitment and responsibility.

Frankly, I do not think him saying "I don't have feeling for you" is a valid reason for a married man to abandon his family.

Would YOU abandon your family because you did not ~feel like~ taking the responsibility any more? I doubt it.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't know what to do to regain those feelings.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He needs to behave like a married man, and the feelings will follow. Effort toward the marriage begats the feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure he likes the freedom he has being on his own.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now THIS is very interesting.

Why would you say this??? Most adult men LOVE having a family and detest being alone without their family.... WHY do you say this???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have two children ages 10 and 6.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">??? He likes the freedom to abandon his kids??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He isn't willing to go to counselling.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So he's a low-effort sort of guy? Is that what you are saying? He takes the easy road more often than the difficult road .... knowing the easy road leads to a broken family?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't seem to be talking to anyone about our situation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He might be talking to OW about your situation!!!

Does he have parents?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He keeps saying he is working on it, yet he doesn't come home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is crapola. Don't buy this. It's an attempt to placate you while he does nothing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you give me advise on things I can do to help him want to try?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or things I can do to help him regain his feelings for me?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has been running away from me and our family for over a year now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does he drink or use drugs?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any advise is appreciated.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alesa, I am so sorry you are married to this man who does not mind leaving his family in the lurch ... because he does not have the ~feelings~ he thinks he should have.

Here's my advice.

Get an attorney. Get a legal document that makes your husband responsible for the welfare of his kids. Do this legally.

Shake his tree a bit.

There is NO WAY for you to manipilate your husband's feelings.... he is in 100% selfish mode, and his ~feelings~ are all that matters to him. Not yours. Not the kid's welfare.

Pep

Alesa,
I have to agree with Pep on a few of her questions and answers to you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WH has stopped the affair and still can't commit to coming home or leaving. He just isn't sure he gain regain his feelings for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know the affair has stopped? Just because he tells you it has?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He doesn't seem to be talking to anyone about our situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you sure he is not talking to OW? This is the kind of thing that brings them together.

My H lied so much and was so addicted to OW that he could not stop it, even though he claims he tried to let it die it's natural death. It was OW who stopped it. She stopped it twice, really. She told him a week or so after Dday that she was done and was committed to her relationship with her boyfriend. She felt awful for her part in what she did to our family.
My H still continued to contact her for a couple months. She finally just stopped responding to his emails, texts etc.
She got more distant with him when he'd call her. He was finally just reaching out to no one basically. It was very one sided on my H's part at the end. OW really is a caring person (never met her in person but have talked to her on the phone many times.) OW felt bad for hurting him and told me she didn't want to be mean to him - at one point she had cared about him a lot. She wasn't sure what else she could do. She knew he was obsessed with what he couldn't have (her).
Funny thing is she also listed off a bunch of things to me that he would've had to change for her to ever even consider having a lasting relationship with him, if it ever came to that. After hearing that list, my thought, and I may have said it out loud to her, is that is basically a whole different person that you would be getting then if he made all these changes! Not the one she's come to know! Hmm. makes no sense to me!? Seems to me that they came together only out of "need."

He is still here and yes, I do feel second best. I'm not sure if that's something I'll ever get over. I don't want to be second best. I always think he's thinking of her. Hell, I was not his first choice - he picked me only because he couldn't have her. He admitted that and it hurts like hell.

We are only 3 months past D-day so we are still very new at this. So, I can't say that my advice is the correct advice, but I was wondering, how often do you speak to him?
Where is he living? Does he stay at your house sometimes? Do the two of you talk about your situation? How are the kids handling all of this?

Thank you for your replies. I am not attempting to minipulate by husband into coming home, that would be counterproductive. Your comments are to help me move forward with my life and not wait for him. They are an attempt to help me understand my situation. Please know I am moving forward with my life. It is similar comments and insights that I am looking for in understanding my husbands behavior. It's not about minipulating, it about gaining an understanding. If I do nothing my option is divorce. If I talk to him intelligently and with insight, I have done what I can to make the situation better. Just they way you are giving me insight to make me better.

I can't be sure that he has ended the affair. He says he has and his activities have changed but I can't be sure. He lives in an apartment. He moved out about 6 months ago.

Thank you for your replies. I am not attempting to minipulate by husband into coming home, that would be counterproductive. Your comments are to help me move forward with my life and not wait for him. They are an attempt to help me understand my situation. Please know I am moving forward with my life. It is similar comments and insights that I am looking for in understanding my husbands behavior. It's not about minipulating, it about gaining an understanding. If I do nothing my option is divorce. If I talk to him intelligently and with insight, I have done what I can to make the situation better. Just they way you are giving me insight to make me better.

I can't be sure that he has ended the affair. He says he has and his activities have changed but I can't be sure. He lives in an apartment. He moved out about 6 months ago.

Thank you for your replies. I am not attempting to minipulate by husband into coming home, that would be counterproductive. Your comments are to help me move forward with my life and not wait for him. They are an attempt to help me understand my situation. Please know I am moving forward with my life. It is similar comments and insights that I am looking for in understanding my husbands behavior. It's not about minipulating, it about gaining an understanding. If I do nothing my option is divorce. If I talk to him intelligently and with insight, I have done what I can to make the situation better. Just they way you are giving me insight to make me better.

I can't be sure that he has ended the affair. He says he has and his activities have changed but I can't be sure. He lives in an apartment. He moved out about 6 months ago.

Thank you for your replies. I am not attempting to minipulate by husband into coming home, that would be counterproductive. Your comments are to help me move forward with my life and not wait for him. They are an attempt to help me understand my situation. Please know I am moving forward with my life. It is similar comments and insights that I am looking for in understanding my husbands behavior. It's not about minipulating, it about gaining an understanding. If I do nothing my option is divorce. If I talk to him intelligently and with insight, I have done what I can to make the situation better. Just they way you are giving me insight to make me better.

I can't be sure that he has ended the affair. He says he has and his activities have changed but I can't be sure. He lives in an apartment. He moved out about 6 months ago.

Alesa...My sich verbatim...Going on 5 months now.
Supposedly no more affair. Moved out to get time and space. Not sure he loves me and not sure how to get those feelings again.
"Working on it" includes moving out, not discussing with me, not believing I can make the changes necessary for him to want to come home.
Feels he is using me if we engage in SF. Won't commit to consistent time with the kids, only when it works for him... Gets angry when I ask him for a decision one way or the other. Han't told people he works with because "its none of their business" especially because I work for him part time.

IN OTHER WORDS....he will not do Jack SH*#. You will need to be strong, but loving. I say go to PLAN B now. I waited way to long to do it. Take Peps advice and get some type of legal arrangement set up. Otherwise he has the best of everything and he will have no motivation to do anything differently.

This is not the time for him to be reinventing himself as a bachelor...bet you he doesn't wear his wedding ring...does he? Bet you don't have a key to his apartment but he still has one to the house...doesn't he. Has he had the kids for an overnight yet? Or is his apartment consist of a bed...TV...and one table and chair.

I am telling you to go on with your life and have no expectations that he will come back. If he does then you can address the issues, but if you have expectations of him he will think you are trying to control him even if you are not. You can not make him regain those feelings if he is not open to it and right now he is not.

I am speaking to you from experience, if he says he wants to be left alone, then leave him alone. He will discover soon enough whether that is really what he wants. If you persue him, try to fix everything for him..he will not like it.

Stay strong for those babies, they need to get their love from somewhere.

justcallmeHomer you really do understand. Isn't it just amazing. I filed for divorce and then he said he didn't want me to. Then he decided maybe it was the best thing. I decided in the mean time that he needs to stand up for what he wants. I asked if he wants the divorce or does he wants to try to work on things. He actually can not answer it. So, I feel like following through with the divorce just gives him an easy way out...."my wife filed." I have a friend who did just that and then regretted it because her x-husbands blames everything on her. My husband won't tell his parents, his friends, his kids, his accountant....he doesn't feel it's any of their business. None of them know I have filed.

I know I am OK. I will be OK. I have been OK. It's the rejection that is hard to understand and forgive. Why is he so lost? What is he not understanding? He use to be a really good husband and father and know he can't even decide if the life he built is worth working on.

Alesa I do understand and it is weird I am telling you to file and I haven't. I should have but I too keep thinking.."Why should I be the one when he is the one who wants out" I keep thinking it would be an easy way out for him, and yes he could say it was my fault he left because I was a nagging, yelling bi*%& and I was the one to file. It all boils down to responsibilty. They want none that doesn't have some direct benefit to themselves. I have always thought it is about depression, but of course my WH says "What school of psychiatry did you get your degree from?" People who are touch with their emotions can see emotions in others too. It's not that depressed people don't feel anything it's that they don't want to.

My WH spent the evening with the DD's last night. When I came home I thought it was odd that he had parked on the side of the road for overnight parking. Then I saw his gym bag in the house. I immediately knew he was thinking about staying over. he put both DD's in the same bed...again so he could sleep in one of their rooms. But then when I told him I was going to read and go to sleep he just laid on the floor for over 20 minutes. I checked back in and told him to come to bed, either with me or the spare room. He again stayed on the floor in the living room for another 20 minutes. finally I went back downstairs and said "You don't have to stay if you don't want, but I don't see what it would hurt if you slept in DD's room" Ten minutes later he comes into our room (which he now calls MY room) and says "I'm going to go" I said OK.
So I am sitting here this a.m. thinking...did he want me to be more aggressive and take him by the hand and lead him to bed, did he want me to sit and chat with him (he is not a talker). Why did he decide to leave. IS he still involved with someone and is afraid it would be a betrayal of them? If I ask him today he might get angry that I am prying...if I don't bring it up he may think I don't want him to come home. So damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Don't let your WH make you feel guilty. Tell him that you love him (if you do) and that you don't want to divorce, that you want to work on it...but until his actions show you that he has recomitted to you, your marriage and your children then you have to remove yourself from his self destructive emotional confusion. Maybe all he does need is some time, but you need to set boundaries now, not later. You are doing great if you have taken that step already. Filing divorce papers is not the end. But reality is that their emotional walls may be so tall and so big that no one can get thru. They are destined to be lonely and until they can feel that pain it won't matter what you do or say.

Hang in there and if it is alright with you, I will say a prayer for you and the kids.

JustcallmeHomer-a friend of mine just went through a similar situation although not the same. Her husband at the age of 43 got involved in drugs and just left her and her kids. He has fiqured it out and has said to me that it was her phone calls (messages because he didn't answer) that helped him to see. He still can not talk to her, he just feels too guilty and embarassed for all the pain he has caused and doesn't want to face it. I am not sure what is right but I figure as long as I keep the messages as truthful and meaningful as possible without being petty, what can they hurt.

Wouldn't it be nice to understand what they want, need and are thinking? That is the kind of insight I am looking for. My husband send such conflicting signals. While nothing I do may help, I feel if I do nothing then I am only giving him more control in a situation where I have so little.

Your prayers for my kids and me are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Alesa,

Why have you not exposed the A to others? Is the OW married? If so, does her H know?

I'm guessing the A is not over.

-AD

I have exposed it to my close friends, my sister, his parents and a few select other people. The OW is divorced and lives three hours from here. My friends have tried to talk to him but his parents won't get involved. My friends have been great support for me.

Alesa....just checking how things are going?

Nothing new. My father-in-law thinks the affair is over too. It seems my husband just likes the freedom of not being here. How are things going for you?