I had 2 back-to-back nightmares last night about the OM. I woke up feeling sad and depressed. Tears were welling up in my eyes as I was driving to work. The only relief was knowing that I will be very busy today. How did I become such a complete and utter mess?? (Don't need to answer this one.)

Some questions for the FWS whose A did not end poorly nor did it die of a natural death AND it lasted 6 months or longer ...
1. Why did you end it?
2. How long after NC does the pain start to subside? (esp. the sudden and unexpected outbursts of sadness and tears)
3. How long does it take for the fog to lift?
4. Can the feeling of love actually return? For some reason, I just have a real hard time believing that it could. If so, how long did it take you?
5. Can people really change?

Sorry for so many questions, but these are the same questions that plague me 24X7 these days. I can't stop thinking about it.

Also, has anyone gone to a hypnotist to help them ease the pain of the memories of the A? Does it work?

Thanks,
Whisper

Whisper, I’m on my way to leave work and my eye caught your post just before I was ready to switch off my computer.

I will only be able to post again tomorrow, but in the meantime you can check out this thread on withdrawal. I’m sure it will help to answer some of your questions.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks, Suzet. I believe I have read your wonderful posting before, and actually saved it in my PC at home somewhere. I guess I just forgot - my mind is not quite right these days. I was wondering if you would answer #4 & #5 above as well.

Thanks,

Whisper

Hi Whisper~

Our situations are different in a major way, in that my adultery ended in a P. However, it lasted over 6 months, and accept for the P, it didn't end poorly, (I know that sounds really bad~~I just mean it didn't end because either of us were a jerk to the other or whatever you mean by "poorly").

Your statement about not ending poorly caught my eye, because I've often wished it would've ended in a really ugly manner. I've wondered if my withdrawal would've been less severe.

To your questions....

I guess I've already answered #1), in that I found out I was P. It was like ice water pouring down on me, and it acted as an instant fog lifter or nearly instant. I ended the A.

#2) This went a little different for me too, in that withdrawal was a little later in hitting me. I was so sick from the P the first few months, and consumed by my current situation, I didn't think of him very much. Lo and behold, a couple months later, withdrawal hit like a ton of bricks. However, because of NC, (and NC IS the KEY), the pain of missing him began to subside within a couple months. I stopped missing the x-om the longer I was in NC. Also, being in complete NC, having a D-Day, and committing to my H took me further and further away from missing x-om straight to complete and total remorse and shame. I still thought of him, and still do, but not as in any type of fond memories, rather, "why the hell did I do what I did?"

#3) Again, a little different for me, happened swiftly, as explained above, BUT I think the fog lifts or at least begins, when we acknowledge the reality of what we've done. I believe it's a choice, a choice to hop back into the light of day, the real world again, stop living in our underworld fantasy.

A word of advice about withdrawal...when you start thinking of him, and ESPECIALLY if you get tempted to break NC, do something DIFFERENT right away. Call your H. Send your H a sweet-nothing email. Bake cookies. Post here. Whatever you can do to get your mind off x-om and on to worthy thoughts and deeds.

#4) YES, YES, YES!!! Better still, an even deeper love than you've ever had with your H is more than possible. I was a huge skeptic on this point. Figured, either I loved my H, or I didn't, and I didn't think I did, so where's the hope? First you need to BELIEVE it can return. Then like the Nike commercial, you need to "just do it". "Fake it till you make it" type of thing. Start doing things to show love to your H. BE lov-ing. Start meeting HIS needs. Spend at least the 15 hours per week with each other that Harley recommends. Don't worry if he's not returning anything for awhile. You can only control Whisper, not your H. In time, I can just about guarantee you will not be "faking" love anymore! It will come easily and freely. You will look forward to being with him!

#5) Yes, people most definitely can change. It's a choice though. It takes work, but YES. That's the best news of all. We can take this very worst of the worst we've done, and use it to learn from. I'm living, breathing proof that beauty can come from ashes and all that is ugly. You just need to start making changes NOW, make honorable decisions and stick to them! After awhile of consistent, right behavior, you will begin to be characterized by your current behavior and decisions, not your past. You can change, and so can your H! (JIC that's who you were talking about).

On a side, Whisper, keep in mind, your A just ended. It will get better with time and work. If you stick to NC, trust me, you will NOT feel anything like you do today in a few months. There will be good days and bad days, but the bad days will occur less often and vice versa.

Wishing you and your H all the best.

~ad

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Autumn Day ]</small>

1. Why did you end it?

OW was getting married the next week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

2. How long after NC does the pain start to subside? (esp. the sudden and unexpected outbursts of sadness and tears)

As I've said, I was an expert at NC--I did it 6 times. My guess is around 1 month.

3. How long does it take for the fog to lift?

For me, about a year.

4. Can the feeling of love actually return? For some reason, I just have a real hard time believing that it could. If so, how long did it take you?

Yes. About 1 month to "get back" to where it was pre-A...but, I actually love my W more now than then.

5. Can people really change?

Yes

Whisper, 18 month PA, I'm the FWW.

1. Why did you end it?

I didn't end it - OM did.

2. How long after NC does the pain start to subside? (esp. the sudden and unexpected outbursts of sadness and tears)

A ended June 2003 - was still in painful withdrawal in April 2004.

3. How long does it take for the fog to lift?

A ended June 2003 - fog lifted about April 2004.

4. Can the feeling of love actually return? For some reason, I just have a real hard time believing that it could. If so, how long did it take you?

Yes, once the fog lifted and I worked really hard on it and talked to many, many people here, I now love my H more than I ever have.

5. Can people really change?

Yes

BTW I finally took AD's for the withdrawals after self medicating with alcohol for about 6 months.

Jen

Thanks to everyone who have replied. I know I'm asking you to dredge up ugly memories, but you don't realize how helpful this is to me to know that people in my situation can actually get through this. It's just so hard to imagine it right now, and I'm just looking for confirmation.

Thanks so much for sharing with me.

Whisper

Whisper, I was just where you are now and someone (an FWW) told me that I would get through this and, one day, it would all be a distant memory.

I thought, yeah, right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but I'm now in that position. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H and I are 15 months past d-day and we are very happy.

Jen

i'm another one that can chime in here. love can return. i was very skeptical as well. i had lost all hope in my marriage. the hardest part was letting go of anger from H's past behaviour in a marriage that was less than fullfilling for both of us. i had absolutely no hope in our marriage until i found a way to let go of my anger and then i found this place. it is possible!!!

Dear FinallyLearning,

I, too, have been disappointed by my H's past behavior that I have doubts in our ability to work things out. Just curious - what did you and/or your H do to get things resolved aside from your letting go of your anger? I can't imagine simply tolerating bad behavior for the rest of my life.

Whisper

in my case, i got extremely serious about getting a divorce. i hate that it came to that. it didn't need to and it caused kids much stress (we told them we were seperating). i have often wondered what i could of done other than going to that extreme to have gotten his attention. i really felt like i had tried to get him to understand that our relationship was in trouble and needed help. the answer of course is by being a healthier person and spouse. IC could of been very helpful. we did eventually do MC, but this was after i was so far gone and mixed up in all the bad stuff i got into (meeting people from internet).

but get his attention i did, and he worked hard trying to keep us together. he worked really hard and never gave, he really really really believed in us and our marriage. so he finally got me to turn around which was a huge feat because of how deep of a hole i dug myself in.

of course, his "reward" was my honesty which has caused him so much pain. he was completely unaware of my As. i'm not sure how it will all end up, i am hoping for the best. no matter what happens, i am extremely glad i finally learned to live an honest life. my lies have cost me, my H, my kids a lot of pain. regardless of the marriage state, a person should not do the things i have done, bottomline.

i'm not sure i answered your question very well. i think the key is being confident in yourself. understanding what you need and be able to communicate those needs in a clear way. as well as working hard at understanding your spouses needs, his love language.

My affair lasted just shy of six months, so I'll give you my experience, for what it's worth:

1. Why did you end it?

To condense a long and very sad story, I separated from my husband. It didn't take long... about three weeks... for me to realize what an awful thing it would be to go through life without him. I came crawling back (almost literally) and did what I had to do to save our marriage. That meant not just ending the affair, but telling the other guy that it was over, ended, finito, nc.

2. How long after NC does the pain start to subside? (esp. the sudden and unexpected outbursts of sadness and tears)

I'm guessing you mean withdrawl? Because I shed some tears over that, but a whole lot more later on when I fully realized the harm I had done.

Withdrawl was relatively short. I was blessed in that the OM had moved several states away shortly before I ended it (though, I admit, I had planned to move to be with him). I think the distance helped. Being 100 percent committed to saving the marriage helped even more.

Now, a sidenote. If you're like me, that's just one variety of pain you'll be feeling. Remorse and shame really hit me hard. That took far longer to get over than any withdrawl, and it's not completely gone yet. Probably will never be. Perhaps it should never be gone completely.

3. How long does it take for the fog to lift?

Hm... It all happened in the three weeks between when my husband and I separated and when I begged him to take me back. And when it lifted, it did so pretty quickly.

4. Can the feeling of love actually return? For some reason, I just have a real hard time believing that it could. If so, how long did it take you?

Oh my gosh, YES. I guess I realized how much I loved him by being without my husband, so there was that. But the real in love, I'm so very grateful I have you kind of love? That was a bit longer in coming. That took maybe another half year. But it is here now, and I don't think a day goes by that I don't hug him and thank him for a second chance.

5. Can people really change?

It isn't easy, but yes. We have both made good changes that have made our marriage a stronger and closer one than it had ever been before. Not perfect, no. But so much better.

Coincidentally, I'm not sure if you mean to ask if you can change or if he can change. I'm kinda curious to know which one you were thinking of when you wrote that.

Whisper, here is my responses on questions #4 and #5 as requested by you yesterday:

4. Can the feeling of love actually return? For some reason, I just have a real hard time believing that it could. If so, how long did it take you?

YES, it can! If you read all Dr Harleys articles on this website (especially the parts on the love bank, love deposits, fulfillment of EN’s etc.) AND all the positive stories from people here on these boards who have regained loving feelings for their spouses again, you will understand why and how this is possible... The time it took for spouses to regain loving feelings for each other again also differ and is an individual thing. It also depends on how much time they spending time together on fulfilling each other’s EN’s and how effective they are in doing this.

5. Can people really change?

YES, of course - if they really want to! As someone said earlier, it's a choice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> People can even change for the better after infidelity… Why? Because they’ve learned and gained wisdom from mistakes and wrong choices made in the past.

Suzet

whisper, I'm not qualified to answer any of those questions. My M didn't work out. I can address the hypnosis one. Hypnosis does work. I have not tried it myself, but have seen it work great many times for others. For things like quitting smoking. I doubt that is your answer though. You probably need to feel the pain and work through it. If you are really not able to function, that's not ok either. My Dr. gave me an anti-depressant that helped me a great deal. Just until you can stand the pain again.
Is your husband still addicted to video games?
M

Whisper,
I seems as if you and I have alot in common and maybe our A's were an attempt at escaping our real, boring lives? My H is addicted to video games as well, and it's very frustrating. I am glad that you asked these questions because I'm wondering the same things. My A lasted 3 years -and I'm currently working on NC- and I'm just really scared at how intense my withdrawal is going to be.

KMT

I don't believe my H is still addicted to the games, although I know he stills plays. I haven't seen the outrageous charges/bills for nearly a yr now, and I've noticed that he's watching TV/movies when I call from time to time. Back when I knew he was addicted, he was online 14-18 hours a day, so something has changed.

KMT - I do agree with you that my A, in part, was due to sheer boredom since we really had nothing in common, but it also stemmed from the loss of respect and love.

It's so hard to think about going back to my H as the thought conjures up bad memories like these while ending an A that seemed good and happy. I guess I wish my A was a horrible experience or that the OM turned out to be a real jerk. I think it would make things so much easier.

The good thing is that my H seems to have changed a lot of his ways and is doing everything he can to save our M. It's just hard not to look at him and remember how things were. It's definitely easier to forgive than forget.

Whisper

Hey Whisper. Welcome.

Just read all of the posts that you made and the responses. I only have two things to add:

1) What do *you* want?

2) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I concur that a relationship based on deceit is still that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*Your* words speak volumes. And I have to add, reagrding your marriage, please don't use the excuse of "being pressured" into marriage as a downfall. Sure, it makes it difficult (depending on the circumstance) but noone put a gone to your head and said you had to marry him. (Unless you left that part out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) My point being, be accountable for decisions you have made. I'm really not trying to slam you or anything. BUT, you need to come to the realization of a few things--and I know it's hard. All recovered or in recovery FWS have been there.

You asked good questions. And, just like A's, we've all heard the same thing time and time again--recovery is the same blueprint and it *MUST* include NC. You're still married. Either decide to work on reconciling your marriage or end it. BUT DO NOT have the OM in the picture during this. It is only making things more difficult for you.

Best wishes to ya.

whisper28:
The A WAS a horrible experience and the OM WAS a jerk. Don't you get it?