It has been 3.5 months since D-Day and the recovery is going as well as I would expect. My Wife has had NC with OM and is for the most part willing and working to help us recover.
However over the last couple of days thoughts of me going out and getting into an affair have been popping into my mind. So far all thoughts like that have been exorcised immediately. I have always been, all my life, a straight arrow and have been a firm believer in the vows I took when married. Heck even when I was single I was very careful the woman I was interested in was not attached to someone else. So why now after 35 years of adult life are these thoughts occurring?

SM

I had the same thought when I knew my H had this internet affair. I guess we all have this little monster in the heart. But everyone has different ethic and moral standards and most of people will let it happen. I will not let myself sink to his level and one more mistake will not cover the other. If you have kids, please think about them and keep the good example for them.

Please refrain from getting involved with someone until you are ready to fall in love with someone else. Take it from me, a simple on line meeting with a man turned to a mad passionate love in a matter of days! Now I'm struggling to chose between my husband and my lover. I wouldn't wish my predicament on my worst enemy!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: herebyrequest ]</small>

Please refrain from getting involved with someone until you are ready to fall in love with someone else. Take it from me, a simple on line meeting with a man turned to a mad passionate love in a matter of days! Now I'm struggling to chose between my husband and my lover. I wouldn't wish my predicament on my worst enemy!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: herebyrequest ]</small>

ndt
I have no intention of acting on my thoughts. I find them disturbing, wrong, and not me. I also find them disturbing because they are happening and never have before.

Herebyrequest
Thank You for the caution! I have no intent on looking elsewhere for love, or affection. I have the person I love dearly right here even after what happened.
What concerns me is the thoughts and why they are happening, and are they some what normal.

SM

Having the thoughts are normal. My XW was totally convinced I had multiple affairs, that I was a seriel cheater. Truth be known I never did have an affair. At one point when we remained married and just before our seperation I was honest and told her I wanted to have an affair, that I was lonely.
After D-day I wanted to lie to her and tell her that I had been untrue. I did not lie. I knew I wanted to hurt her.

Now I still struggle but I have no desire to hurt her. I am struggling with my own "demons". Stopping the triggers that keep coming....

However, by all appearances I am a single good looking man who has his act together. When I am approached by other women I tell her...every time I tell her...

and when I get depressed about her affair....

I think about "why did I tell her?"...

The thought crosses my mind now...when I was married....things were horrible when it crossed my mind....

things are so so much better now...what is wrong with me??

Send me on my way
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The thought crosses my mind now...when I was married....things were horrible when it crossed my mind.... things are so so much better now...what is wrong with me??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure I understand your statement so please don't mind if I attempt to interpret what you said.

What I think you are saying is that something is amiss, not quite right in how I am feeling about my Wife, what she is doing now, and her feelings toward me and because of this I am not happy and wanting to look elsewhere?

SM

Silent- as I go back and read what I wrote I can see the confusion.

I am divorced from the woman I am involved with. She's my EX WIFE. When we were married it was horrible. She had an affair. I did not but I thought of having one. To the point of actually discussing it with her.

Now we have reconciled. We both had been involved with others since our divorce. As part of reconciling I found out about her affair. It has been tough because she wants to get remarried. But to the "outside world I am single". I have my own place. Recently, as I struggle with the reality of her past actions I found myself "thinking about having an affair with someone"...now it is just for a blink....and I do not understand why....My XW and I are doing better than we ever did during our previous 18 years!!!

Is that better??

Thanks for responding...

Send me on my way

Yes that is better.

Perhaps our fleeting feelings are just a natural progression of the hurt we are feeling and the
occurrence will pass with time.

SM

Your thoughts are not uncommon. How you allow them to take root in your heart is what will affect your future.

Many BS have these feelings and some turn into revenge A's with the WS regretting and again blaming the now BS/WS spouse for the original WS having the A and then the same BS is blamed for the BS/WS having the A. See? No win for the BS who has a A.

That c/b what can help you curb those thoughts. A BS has those thoughts because the taker in you wants to be needed, loved and wanted. The WS is not meeting the BS' needs and the taker part of the BS is screaming for attention.

What t/d? Get that taker under control and focus on what is really good for you. Never mind the WS. Don't do what is good for the WS. Do what is good for you as the BS and for your W. Right, your W isn't around much since the WS side of her personality has taken over but still reach out to find your W and don't step into the WS' line of fire. You will get quite good at all this side stepping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Siltent -do you think it is all part of wanting to feel so good again. I feel the same way it has been 3+ months for me as well- maybe its around this time frame that these thoughts start to pop in our heads ? I will avoid my thoughts -altho they do tend to pop when not expected.

Orchid

Thanks for the response.

Your thoughts are not uncommon. How you allow them to take root in your heart is what will affect your future.

In my heart I know this is wrong and that is why it is disturbing me such as thoughts of suicide would.

Many BS have these feelings and some turn into revenge A's with the WS regretting and again blaming the now BS/WS spouse for the original WS having the A and then the same BS is blamed for the BS/WS having the A. See? No win for the BS who has a A.

Living and feeling through one affair as I am now only confirms the embedded feelings I have always held about affairs. Do not think I could ever talk myself into one or potentially hurt someone that badly.

That c/b what can help you curb those thoughts. A BS has those thoughts because the taker in you wants to be needed, loved and wanted. The WS is not meeting the BS' needs and the taker part of the BS is screaming for attention.

I think you may have hit upon something here. For instance last night I was hurting from some work and added stress. I asked if my Wife would rub my shoulders for a bit. She did but not without comment one of which was negative. I don't ask to have my shoulders rubbed often. Last time was months ago. There is also other things. I am trying my hardest to meet her Emotional and Physical needs but perhaps I am feeling it is one sided.

What t/d? Get that taker under control and focus on what is really good for you. Never mind the WS. Don't do what is good for the WS. Do what is good for you as the BS and for your W. Right, your W isn't around much since the WS side of her personality has taken over but still reach out to find your W and don't step into the WS' line of fire. You will get quite good at all this side stepping.

You could also be right that the taker is throwing a tantrum. He can throw some heavy duty stuff around. Never thought it could be him at the root of these thoughts since they are subtle and not the normal loud hateful self he usually is when let loose.

As far as my Wife still in the wayward mindset... No I do not believe she is. She is at work much of the day then home afterward. I do not think she is not meeting my emotional needs because of affair thoughts. Perhaps it is more about self within her than anything else.

Again thanks for answering. It gives me more to think about concerning these disturbing thoughts.

SM

realtor*

Thanks for the response and similarities. I too will put these thoughts down when they occur and they do occur unexpectedly and random.
I had it occur earlier in recovery but only once and also had an urge one time to confide what is happening with another woman but stopped that thought also.

But now the the thought occurrence is more frequent.

Perhaps Orchid is right that I should be looking at the taker playing a part in this.

SM

Honestly, as a BS, I would be surprised if you did not have these feelings. Totally natural. The hard part comes when actaully presented with the oppurtunity.