I've been having a hrad time coping with life this week. The relationship with my wife has been tattered since I 'exposed' her realtionship to OMW. She still insists nothing was going on. Lots of thoughts in my head and no clearity from her - we barely talk. This has been going on for nearly 3 months now.

I'm tiring of just sitting by and trying to live my own life amidst all this. She's typically in a foul mood and I can't feel comfortable in my own home. A few weeks ago I got the 'I hate you' line. She'll say its over as far is she is concerned. But here she is still at home and sleeping in the same bed (sleeping only). Otherwise we are like to strangers sharing the same house, well worse, strangers get along better.

Today I called a few marriage counselors, spoke to 2. I got their names from our diocese (church).

First one say he'll meet us together for a couple of times, then individually and then recoomend a course of action or if we are even candidates for couples therapy.

Second one say he meets us individually first then together then determines if the marriage is toast or plan a course of action.

A few oh me call backs.

Now how do I get my wife to go? I expect refusal if I mention it. Of course I'll never know unless I try though.

Would marriage counseling be a bad thing to bring up? As in bringing up relationship stuff? I just feel us slipping apart. But thats my feeling.

If she is still in an A, don't expect much out of MC. All you'll hear is a bunch of fog talk. My FWH and I went to a MC right after D-Day while he was still in the A and it was awful. A complete waste of money. Most people here will tell you it is useless while the A is still on-going. If you do go, make sure the C is pro-marriage. The one we went to was definately NOT. She agreed with my H that he should move out. Not the best way to save a M. No way should you see the second MC you described above. You don't need to pay someone to tell you the M is toast.

What has your plan been? Are you doing Plan A? Have you exposed the A?

Had a talk with my wife this morning about things. I stated I want to get some dialog going eith with or without a marriage counselor. SHe isn't sure that will help. She wants to wait until after she finishes school before she 'works' on things. That would be mid May. I told her this can't go on much longer, that the tension is wearing on me, it's putting my job in jeopardy. Maybe I'm strong enough for this 'Plan A' stuff. The aledged affair has stopped. OM is sticking close to his wife.

Recovery has not started at all, she wants no part of anything. I've planted the seeds at least. I also told that she must, at some time, give me the story of her relationship with OM in a fair degree of detail. I also mentioned I don't plan to through it back in her face. I told her I feel there's a big secret being kept from me and I need it out in the open.

During this conversation she went off on several rants. I asked her to calm down, but stopped short of saying was talk to each other with some respect. I cited what just happened as why there is a need for an mediater, to keep us each from getting out of control.

She says she's not getting any better. She still has a lot of resentment towards me. I told her we can't just keep delaying things like we always did. We would just ignor issues until enough time went by and they were stale, but not forgotten.

It's been close to 3 months and I find the need to really assert myself (respectively) for the first time in our relationship. She's held the power for far too long and I must climb back in the drivers seat in my life.

Mark, if I were you I wouldn't waste my time or money on marriage counselors. Most are NOT pro-marriage. I would call up Steve Harley and let him assess your situation and give you a plan. He is really good with WS' and might just be the one to burst through her bubble. He will help you bring her into counseling. But, he won't waste your time by making you sit around and talk endlessly, he will give you a PLAN. And he is damn good.

It definately sounds like MC would be good for you guys to help with the communication issues. MC provides a safe place to talk about difficult issues. Right now my FWH and I only talk about the hard stuff at the MC and then enjoy our time together without all the heavy stuff all the time. Just make sure you interview the C before you go, you don't want to go in and have the C say it's too late to save the M (that's what our first one did). It's never too late!

How has your Plan A been? What have you done to identify and correct the problems in your M and yourself? There is a lot you can do to save the M without the cooperation of your W. If she won't go to MC, it wouldn't hurt to go on your own.

I've been improving myself since July. I am much more helpfull around the house, gor more involved with her day, etc.

This morning she says she is outraged when I set the dinner table. Why am I helping now? Now having a past alcohol problem and recovering can cause such feelings in a spouse. Sort of like 'be carefull what you ask for". I again recomended Al-anon to my wife. I am almost certain she won't go though.

I found 2 marriage counselors that say they will never say you should divorce. One lady told me of couples who came from other counselors who told them to call it quits and are now getting along.

I do share your concerns about finding one that won't meet with you 2 - 4x and then say divorce.

I've been improving myself since July. I am much more helpfull around the house, gor more involved with her day, etc.

This morning she says she is outraged when I set the dinner table. Why am I helping now? Now having a past alcohol problem and recovering can cause such feelings in a spouse. Sort of like 'be carefull what you ask for". I again recomended Al-anon to my wife. I am almost certain she won't go though.

I found 2 marriage counselors that say they will never say you should divorce. One lady told me of couples who came from other counselors who told them to call it quits and are now getting along.

I do share your concerns about finding one that won't meet with you 2 - 4x and then say divorce.