Hi,

I would like the FWW's to wheigh in on some of the things my WW is saying right now.

She Claims to be in NC but will not agree to the letter, we have had one MC session but MC says it is up to WW wether we go back, no decision yet.

I have told her she is free to go, she won't.

I have asked her to just give it three month, no contact w/ OM and I'll give you all the space you need (I am in Plan A, improving every day) she can't seem to commit to it but doesn't want to go either.

When I ask her why she says

"if you've been dead inside this long you would know there is nothing there"
"I've changed as a person"
"I still love you but I have no sexual feelings for you" (we have sex but no intamacy)


My Long Story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=005079

Well I am the BS, but my wife was saying these same things during her fog.

I love you but am not in love with you.
I am a much different person now then I was.
I don't know if our marriage can be saved, I have been hurt for so long I don't know if I can ever get my love back for you.

Is there a WS rule book...sure seems like there is one out there somewhere. They all seem to say the same things.

I attempted to exlain to her some of the opinions on this site about being in the fog because so many of the descriptions are identical to her behviour. Sh claims it is hogwash.
She is missing the OM, she can't understand why because it was only a two mos. thing with three meetings.
She is the ultimate fencesitter.
She lied constantly through out, even when she knew it ws transparent (anything to enable the behaviour)
She has become absent minded and is always exhausted, but needs sleeping aids to fall asleep?
I now she is hurting but I don't know how to help her.

"I attempted to exlain to her some of the opinions on this site about being in the fog because so many of the descriptions are identical to her behviour."

Stop trying to teach her what you've learned here. She is in no mood to be taught anything by you right now. She especially doesn't wnat you to try to teach her that she can't have what she wants. You will have to be patient and wait until she wants you again, wants to restore the marriage.

"Sh claims it is hogwash."

Yup. Her feelings are in control right now and she can't relate to logic yet. The more you try to tell her the more (and longer) she will resist and defend what her feelings are telling her. Stop talking to her about relationship stuff. No more trying to teach or pressure her into coming around to your POV.

"She is missing the OM, she can't understand why because it was only a two mos. thing with three meetings."

It's an addiction. She didn't realize she would have withdrawals. If she's smart/lucky SHE will figure out (but not by you TELLING her) that the OM was meeting certain needs of hers that she now needs to allow you to meet. Most likely she will resist allowing you to meet these needs... She's probably embarrassed that the loss of the OM's attention has had such a strong effect onher. And she might also feel too ashamed to accept your attention in place of what the OM was doing for her. Just be patient and persistent (with demonstrating your willingness to meet her needs - NOT persistent with talking about it).

"She is the ultimate fencesitter."

Be strong and consistent. Don't expect anything from her yet. She may show signs of getting closer only to withdraw again. She may even contact the OM again. Most likely it will take a while to see some permanent improvements. She's going to waffle and fence-sit. She is very confused right now. The worst thing you could do is to hop on that roller coaster with her and react to her every shift. This is tough for the betrayed spouse but you can do this. She needs to see that you are going to be stable and strong (and sane).

"She lied constantly through out, even when she knew it ws transparent (anything to enable the behaviour)"

Of course. She was trying desperately to make something totally illogical, immoral, and out-of-control seem OK. Adultery is not only like an addiction, it causes a sort of temporary insanity.

"She has become absent minded and is always exhausted, but needs sleeping aids to fall asleep?"

The fun/fantasy part of the affair is over. She's afraid to face the mopping up part and is wishign she could somehow return to the safety and escape of the fun/fantasy phase of the affair. She's pretty unhappy with herself right now. Is she in counseling? Does she attend church? Does she have any good (anti-adultery) friends or relatives who can help support her in facing what she did and startign the healing process (condemning what she did but not condemning her)?

"I now she is hurting but I don't know how to help her."

The best thing you can do for her is to stay sane, calm, consistent. Do the absolute best Plan A you can. Do not expect any changes or real committment from her yet. Don't pressure her or even talk about your marriage or the affair (unless she brings it up). And even then, mostly just listen to her.

When it gets too much to take, come here to vent and get support. She may say and do things which will hurt and disappoint you (or fail to say and do the things you need her to do). But you can't expect her to help you deal with this right now. She's like a drowning person, in so much of a panic that if you let her she will take you under with her. You have tossed her a lifeline and are staying nearby so you can help when she is ready to accept your help. Meanwhile, you just keep treading water and keep at a safe distance so all her splashing and thrashing about doesn't affect your own ability to stay afloat. She is in no position to help you right now and is not ready to even accept much of your help yet.

Wait.

Thanks,

I needed that, staying on this damn plan A is hard work.