Thanks for taking the time to post to me Cherished- I hope you are doing okay.

Last night H and I watched "Shes The One" a movie about two brothers, one of which is cheating on his wife with his brothers ex fiance- not the best movie to watch when an A has happened in your relationship <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . The only good thing (at least for my H) was that the cheater ended up with neither girl after trying to go back to his wife.....

I am still struggleing at the moment because I just do not feel a connection to my H. we had SF this morning- and H did try- he did, but my mind kept wondering on to the things I had to do today, and it was not romantic- he could bring himself to kiss me for more then a minute and then he hid his face under the covers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I was hurt and tried to talk to him about it, he said "KMEJ- it is early" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He left for work, gave me a kiss and told me to have a good day- something he normally does not do, so maybe..... However I still feel cheated.

I just watched Wedding Date- and now I am totally depressed- yes I know that is not real- however that kind of love and affection has to somewhat exist- and I want, no, I NEED that. I just want to cry. I know I should be grateful for the 3 great boys I have, and the fact that my 2 year old keeps saying "I love you mom" and giving me a kiss. I just want to see that look of love when H looks at me. Who am I kidding, that has been gone for years, and I excepted it. Sorry I just threw myself a pity party... I will stop now.

Dear KMEJ, I keep looking at your threads to see if you have found any sand in that pretty frame of yours but you haven't.

You break hearts on these boards darl...you really do.

{{{{KMEJ}}}

Three words that I say often that really hold no meaning anymore- I Love You- I tell my H almost everyday, but never hear it in return. I feel like I say it out of habit now instead of feelings. I see so much more out there, and I so desperately want a piece of that- however I have been with my H now for over 9 years- have had him in my life as a friend since I was 15- when he first asked me to marry him (should have been a red flag since he had a girlfriend at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but then I had a boyfriend and said yes- as it was just a childish thing we did while we were working....). I have loved this man for so long, he has been my everything, I have relied on him to make decisions for me, or rather I have let him, or decided it was easier to let him then to argue. I do not know who I am as a person. I want to do what Lemonman said- learn to love me for me, but how do I do that when I really have no clue who me is anymore?

KMEJ, You are defined by your beliefs,morals,integrity,parenthood, friends,relatives,but mostly by who you want to be!
Outside of MB'ers, what kind of support system do you have around you? You cannot be defined by someone who does not respect,love, or even care for you. You have it ingrained in your mind that your M is going to work out with someone who does not share this same thought.

There are a lot of decent men out there, but you can't go looking for them untill you love and RESPECT yourself. Your children need you to respect yourself as well. I wish nothing but the best for you, but you are the only one who can break this chain of betrayal and deciept that your STXH leads you by.

There are alot of people on this site that follow your saga, and alot of them I believe, can call you a friend. Trust your real friends, the ones that have your back and are there for you nomatter what. Their will be alot of pain, but really no more than what you are forced to deal with on a daily basis now.

With this being said, I do believe in you, and will support you in what ever decision you make, but you need to make one and stick with it. Just make sure the other people involved have the same plan.
As Pat Benatar once sang, "heartache to heartache we stand, love is a battle field"!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to do what Lemonman said- learn to love me for me, but how do I do that when I really have no clue who me is anymore?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent question. Hard one for me to answer although I was a lot like you in my twenties and early thirties.

I left my DD's dad because of his affairs when I was pregnant. I then refused to date for the next 6 years. That's right 6 years. I became pretty happy, financially stable with a good job, learned how to cook and garden like a pro. Had good friends male and female, raised my little baby.

For me I knew I had to be alone because I was in one bad relationship after another. I was broken and was attracting very messed up men.

KMEJ, during this time I really learned to love myself and just as importantly other people and life itself.

I still didn't know how to have a good, lasting, committed relationship so here I am learning.

Seeing like you are, all the wonderful, ethical, decent men and fathers on this board is showing me that these things exist and I know I will never settle for less than what is possible in a good relationship again.

I'm just telling you what I did to find out who I was and it probably will differ from your journey. The important thing is that you are beginning it. You are starting to seek self-love and a better life for yourself.

Just keep seeking, you'll get there.

You were just 15 yrs old when you met your husband. That is sooo young and you are just growing up and seeing that what appealed to the girl does not appeal to the woman. Something has to change KMEJ because you have years of discontent to look forward to - no good for you, WH or your boys. TT

Thanks to those who have supported me. This weekend has been rather hard for some reason- too much time to think I am guessing- and too many romantic movies watched leaving me wanting more out of my Marriage then I am getting. Now granted that can be either taken as a good thing or a bad thing.

I have had a great weekend with my boys- lots of playing and cuddleing and fighting. Not to mention DS2 coloring all over the walls with a marker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ... It is almost 4 pm Sunday and I am still sitting in my PJ's holding DS4- all I have done today is read the paper watch Briget Jones Diary make lunch and play outside with my boys (yes in my pj's- lounge pants and a mans undershirt, hair in a pony, running shoes and winter jacket- sounds cute huh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) Wish I had something to do- as having so much time on my hands is driveing me crazy, granted I could clean or do laundry but who in all honesty wants to ever do that??????

Okay I have rambled on long enough- thanks for reading....

wow the pattern is unreal- H gets home from work today and the kids were happily busy playing together so I ask H if he would like a little help getting out of his work clothes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> he said no thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I started watching a show that I fell asleep to last night, he came upstairs crawled in to bed and went to sleep... SO I throw myself at him, and get shot down- is this sounding familar to anyone but me????? Why oh why do I keep doing this to myself??????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why oh why do I keep doing this to myself??????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - only you can answer that question.

Here's the deal. We can all answer for you. We can all suggest reasons why you do not muster up the strength to break the cycle.

But none of it will help you.........

at least until you search deep into yourself, and answer your own question.

Once you find and admit that answer, then you will be able to resolve the issue....and feel good about it.

KMEJ - you seem to be codependent like I was. You use other people to lift you up and support you. Your H is not supporting you right now, and so you are getting your support from here.

Here's the rub. Having friends to support you is not a bad thing. But not having enough strength to eventually support yourself is hazardous. It make the difference between a healthy person and a codependent.

Have you ever thought of yourself as a codependent? I didn't until I read a particular book recommended to me on here. And when I realized, boy did it hurt. But it motivated me to do something about it, because I refused to allow myself to be labeled as 'codependent.'

Superficial? Maybe. But I already had the label of WS....why the heck would I want another negatively conotated label?

But that's what it took to motivate me.

KMEJ - quit focussing everything on your H. Including your actions. Focus inward. Not only on what you can do for yourself (massages, shopping, hair, nails, etc) but also what you can do to better yourself.

Sorry for the lecture. Only wanted to say a few words, and got carried away.

Hope you find your answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />