Sticking to the "safe" thread will not help you.

There are wonderful FWWs available to HELP you ... based on their successful experience getting themselves OUT of their affairs ... and YOU need their help.

Please, start your own thread and ask for help from "NOW" or "Kiwi" or "Susan" or Autumn Day"...

You are not getting concrete advice by experienced MBers ... and you desperately need that experienced advice.

With your best interest at heart.... Pep

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

BUMP

bump*bump

OK, I guess I don't want to give up the OM as a friend. I know I have to. We haven't spoken in 10 days, but I did email him today. Is it wrong to miss the OM? H has hurt me a lot and so its hard to just go back to that. And H has been reading the MB so I'm not sure what I should post.

OK, I guess I don't want to give up the OM as a friend. I know I have to. We haven't spoken in 10 days, but I did email him today. Is it wrong to miss the OM? H has hurt me a lot and so its hard to just go back to that. And H has been reading the MB so I'm not sure what I should post.

"Is it wrong to miss the OM?"

No ... feelings have no morality. They just "are".

Your actions are what count. It is wrong to contact OM because it hurts your husband and drives a nail into your marriage.

Pep

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Winbin-

I know you saw some of my story on Cardsonly's thread. I want to ask you...does your husband know about your affair? Have you confessed it to him?

And if so, why aren't you talking with HIM about your problems instead of still reaching out for the OM?

Time to start working on your marriage...or to be totally honest, you'll find yourself without EITHER of the men that matter to you.

win bin:

I think it's most important for you 2 realize that it is NORMAL (though it may indeed be "wrong") for you 2 miss the OM. Also, technically, you have not been out of contact with him for 10 days if you emailed him 2day. This sounds like a technicality, but in these life-altering si2ations, it's not something 2 shrug off, either. Each time you have contact, you jerk yourself emotionally 2 the addictive na2re of the relationship with the OM.

Can you tell us who your H is here? (don't feel like you have 2 at this point if you don't want 2).

best,
-ol' 2long

Yes, H knows about the EA. It was online/phone for 11months. H actually knew i was friends with OM and that we chatted about music etc. He found out the depth of it a couple weeks ago when he read some of my IM's and emails. Since then OM and I have just been friends. When we chat it's been about music and nothing else. Only on the phone did we talk more personally. He hasn't called in about 6 weeks.

I haven't wanted to spill my feelings to H about OM. I'm sure he doesn't want to hear it. Obviously H and i have had problems for quite a long time, before the EA began. I'm just now admitting that the M can't go on w/out confronting our problems. EA was just a symptom.

We just got the book and are planning to work on things. I'm just dealing with the withdrawl from OM right now.

Thanks for your help.

Hi Win Bin!

I'm a FWW that was involved in an EA that evolved over from a friendship. I know what you are going through.

So you stopped talking to him for 10 days or so? You e-mailed him today, right? I just want to make sure because I don't know your story.

Have you told your hubby about the e-mail yet? Are you in some counceling to help you through all of this?

Here's my story from an earlier post:

I'll try to give a brief history of my situation. I'm 37 and been married 15 years. I've been with H since I was 16. He would play video games for 5+ hrs every night while I would sit alone watching tv. He would also take vacations with his friends and be gone 10 days, even though he knew I was not happy about it. After 5 or so years of neglect from my H, I realized I was bored and lonely and began chatting, harmlessly online.He was happy when I was chatting and not nagging him for attention. I also began flirting with guys for fun and H was aware of this and had no trouble with it. He would sit in the same room and see what I was doing.

About a year ago I met OM, which I should call OGuy because he's 20. We met just talking about music and became close. We soon began talking on the phone when we could which became very intimate. H knew we were friends and chatted and he was ok with online contact. But I didn't realize I had fallen in love with OG. He was giving me attention I was lacking and had the same interest in music as me.

2 weeks ago I left my chat open and hub read through much of my emails and messages. He contacted OG, and it was all out. Though, they did decide that under different circumstances they would be friends because they have common interests in music. I had talked to each about the other and had even shared their songs with eachother (both musicians). 2 Peas in a pod, somewhat.

I'm still going through withdrawl, anger, and confusion about how I feel about H. But I'm glad to find this site and we are both willing to try and fix long standing problems of selfishness and neglect. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Hey - thanks for posting your story.

Have you and your hubby tried marriage counceling for the issues that you two were having?

No not yet. We are looking into it. He didn't want to admit we had problems until he read about my EA. Frankly I'm not sure the love will come back. Regardless of my feelings for the OM. I just don't know.

How is your husband handling it? I mean I know he is devistated I'm sure but is he motivated to work on the marriage?

EA's are tough ones to get over, believe me - but you definitely can move on. There are certain things that you can do to help that along... No Contact is a must - I know it's tough but if you keep in contact, even once in a while, your withdrawal will never end. Have you checked around here on the board for No Contact example letters?

You need to be completely honest when your hubby asks questions. It will help him but it will also help yourself. I found that complete honesty about the A blew the romanticism out of the affair. It's a good reality check.

You might (and your hubby) might want to get on anti-depressants to get you through this tough time.

I hear you when you speak of the lonliness you felt while your hubby was doing his thing. My husband use to do that too. Is he willing to change some of those habits?

H wasn't devestated about the EA, only that I said I didn't know if I still loved H because of the problems we've had the last several years. He has agreed to change things so that is good. It's just I asked for years and years, bought marriage books, and this is what it took. It's been a long time.

I don't think I need a NC letter. OM has not tried to contact me or pursue the A, other than just friendship. He's single, but he's moved on already. I'm not going to contact him anymore.

DD8 DS10
15 years of marriage

This is why you keep trying, even though things have been tough. Things CAN improve in your home. You CAN enjoy a fulfilling marriage. It does NOT happen overnight. It IS a process. It DOES take work. There are STEPS involved.

I strongly urge you to contact the Harley MB counseling center and make an appointment. This is your family you are trying to save. What could be more important???

The counseling center is a click away .... look at the top of this page. They are really REALLY skilled. Your marriage is SO salvagable. You WILL fall back in love with your husband. He CAN learn to fill your ENs to your satisfaction, and visa versa.

Please, have hope, have faith, and have the courage to really give this your best effort!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep,
Thanks for the encouragement. We are both working on it slowly. I do want to save my family if I can. It's the only reason I'm still here at the moment. It's the only reason I've been here for the last several years. I would like to be happy. I hope that will come in time.

--win

Win, you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Regardless of my feelings for the OM. I just don't know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In this situation, there's no such thing as "regardless of my feelings for OM". We all try to tell ourselves that even if, even if...but the fact is, your feelings for OM are the antithesis of clear thought...they are not voluntary and they a mysterious, probably immature, part of who you are. They need to be neutralized before any growth can take place, in my experience. All feelings for another person constitute being "in thrall", so you have to get to the bottom of that.

Once your feelings for the OM are neutralized (with a combination of time, conscious effort and changed behaviors), your outlook on a lot of things will change. You have no way of predicting, right now, how you will feel toward your husband in the future. There are so many variables. So change the behaviors, get to know yourself truly and deeply, and just be patient.

Sadly, I cannot claim success in recovering my marriage--pre-affair, I think there were too many serious individual issues that went unattended--but I can attest that extricating myself from the affair & thoughts/feelings re XOM made a big difference in my regard for my husband.

In the course of trying to figure out where to go from there, I ended up saying to myself, I can only do so much (can't make H go to IC or MC). But with individual counseling, I did a lot more than I thought possible.

bump back to the top^^^^^

WinBin ... keep posting gurl!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Win Bin, you say that you just dont know if your feelings for your H will come back...they WILL come back if you LET them...it will take TIME...just as Pep said, it will NOT happen overnight!

You guys have a lot of issues to overcome! You CAN overcome them...but you have to BOTH be willing to do it! ONE person cannot do it alone! Dont let yourself get the point of hating your H so much like I did...fix it now and just let it work!

Call the Harleys, they are wonderful! Read the books...Do you have Tough Love? Excellent book to read!

Keep posting...these people WANT to help you and I believe you WANT to save your marriage and family cuz you wouldnt' be here if you didnt'!