Humble. That is all I am now. I feel like life is a car that rolls at about 20 miles an hour. It never speeds up and it never stops. And I am running along side it. As long as I don’t trip, I will be fine. It takes work to run that fast, but I can keep up. However, once I trip, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the speed…. And forget it if you fall down…. Then life just drags you until you can somehow manage to hop up in stride without tripping again.

If you think I am whining, then you are missing the point. Yes, I am a FWS. But I am trying so hard to make this mistake right again. It will never go away and I will never outrun it, but I am trying so hard to be the right, do the right and show the right.

I am failing miserably at something and I don’t know what it is.

Hemorrhage – This is what my relationship feels like right now with froz. I give most(if not all) I have into this relationship now. It has to be apparent that I am a different man now than the “previous” patriot. Doesn’t it? It seems no. I read some of HNHN last night and was very interested page by page. It was good material to read. Doesn’t seem to matter. I am not looking for points. I am looking to stop the hemorrhage. I slashed a jugular and now, in the face of the carnage, I am frantically trying to stop the rush of blood screaming I am sorry the whole time. And all I can see is the look in her eyes as I try to fix this. The look of not pain, but disbelief. Utter confusion that a person is even capable of destroying someone like I have. She’s right. I have no logical explanation for any of this. Now, no matter how much I put into this, it all pours at onto the floor. Nothing stays in the bowl. Better yet, nothing stays in the bank. I am not depositing into someone else’s account anymore. Now, it is all just going into a blackhole, that is sucking everything else in with it.

Pursuit – This is such a fragile gesture. When you show someone you love them by kissing them or trying to initiate SF, how much “cold shoulder” should you endure before it is a good idea that now isn’t the time. I admit that my threshold on this is small. I try to initiate something and I get the cold shoulder, I give up pretty quickly, because I am so uncomfortable with the lack of joy on her part. It really hurts me to see her now. She is worth pursuit, and I would pursue her, but she never seems to be happy with pursuit. If something would or could become pursuit, I feel like it gets tested just to make sure it is real. Example: You try to initiate SF, and she is really in the mood for it, but she emphatically says no. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because she wants to see if you will keep trying…. Because it seems the only way to prove pursuit is to run guns blazing through rejection after rejection until the receiver is satisfied you really mean it. It tiring and I don’t find it really easy to maintain any feelings that drive pursuit when I am being tested prior to being able to then, in fact, pursue.

Tell you what, get yourself in the mood for sex. Like crazy. Hottest you have ever been. Now have your partner tell you to go run 2 miles. Think you will still be “so hot” after the run? I don’t

Basically, I am sitting at my desk looking out the window right now wondering what to do now. The past is done. If I get to live a life of her feeling she is entitled to be angry at me forever, then so be it. I serve her and will not leave. But I want the “better than ever before” marriage this Harley guy is preaching. My god, I am clutching at anything to find it. In the dark, in books, in my mind…. Anywhere. I understand more now the kind of man I needed to be because of the reading I have done. The soul searching I have done. I just feel lost because nothing seems to work for her. And I have to have her.

I feel like I am losing. I have not given up... far from it. But I do feel like it is a game I am losing and it is only a matter of time before the horn sounds and the game will be over.

.. and so will we.

If you are the willing tortoise of recovery, you will eventually outlast the rabbit of her anger.

Trust me.

It is possible.

Froz is very disappointed in HERSELF in one very particular way ... going through with the wedding with no safety net in place. She questions her own judgement as much as anything you have done.

Deep breaths.

Pep

Patriot,

It doesn't sound like losing. It sounds like becoming aware of the reality of the long term consequences. When people say that infidelity recovery is measured in years..years is what they mean. Initially, people sort of skip over thinking long and hard about what years of their life spent recovering will mean.

You are a changed Patriot, and she is a changed Frozen as well.

It will be a long stretch of road..just like this..before you will really have a sense of loss or gain. It will be a lot of miles before you have a map by which to judge your direction, and your distance from your destination.

Noodle

Hey Patriot,

I am also a FWS, and I wanted to add that I understand a lot of what you say. I've also posted about how difficult it is to try and try and try and try and be rejected time and again by a hurting FBS. H has turned me down for SF countless times since dday (9 months ago)- including last night. For months he didn't want to kiss or touch me and slept in a different room.

I learnt a lot by posting to others and reading some great books. Have you read Passionate Marriage by Schnarch (forgotten his first name)? This was a real eye-opener for me. He has some great concepts, 'self-soothing', and 'differentiation' which helped me to cope and understand.

If your S says they don't want SF with you, it doesn't help to 'read' motives into it. You cannot 'know' the particular reason/combination of reasons they don't want it at that moment - maybe they don't even 'know'.
It just is that way for them.

I think its important to keep being honest and asking for what you want, but at the same time learning to accept what you get or don't get, without taking it too personally. Also to keep filling your S's ENs.

I know its easier said than done, and it requires infinite amounts of patience. Its a huge learning curve, and it does get better.

Hi Patriot,

I can understand how you feel. Unfortunately the pain that froz feels isn't going to go away for while. All you can do is continue to be the best Patriot you can be to frozen and she will come around - honest!!!

I remember looking into my husbands eyes and seeing that pain that I caused, and KNOWING that I caused it. Still to this day it rips my heart to pieces though we are well into recovery. It's just one of those scars that will be there I suppose. I try not to dwell on that, I am focused on recovery and that seems to help a lot.