When ever I bring something up , My H will say its been 6 mos let it go!!!... I so very much wish that it was that easy. I find some days it is all I dwell on, and others I am ok... Also when do you let your gaurd down again and can trust... Every time is phone rings I get a knot in my stomach... ( The OW still calls and hangs up- never says any thing)... When he leave for work ealier than normal , I freek out ( not to my H just inside) ny H has been really good with all of the question, but now he seems to get aggitated and frustrated ( he told one of his friends he is frustrated)... His friend said to my H but you are the one who did this to her... you deserve the frustration... I want to let go I just can't I don't trust him yet... but can this ruin or relationship?

JustHurt,

Are both of you in MC ?. I strongly suggest you do.

Trust is earn and not given.

Could this ruin R ? . Yeap, definitly. However the good news is he has to earn your trust and you have to HONESTLY let him know what works and what doesn't work.

e.g. Let him know that by him leaving early freaked you out. POJA on what and how he could make you feel secure.

-rh-

6 mths is too early to be expected to be recovered and over it. I was still a semi-basket case at 6 mths. It was over a year before the A didn't come up in some way. Probably took me close to 18mths before a day could go by where I didn't think about it at least once a day.

As for when you stop talking about the A...for us it was when I felt healed and safe. My FWH handled my questions and pain pretty well most of the time...once in a great while he'd ask me if I was ever going to be able to stop asking him questions.

Our therapist explained to him that what I was going through was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and he needed to treat me like he would if I'd have had any other near death experience...don't take it person just be there for me and eventually day by day my pain would lessen and my need to talk about it would decrease.

She told him that if he tried to avoid it, that it would prolong the agony.

I just posted this same question over on recovery. I am glad I am not alone in some strange way. He seems to be fine with all of it now, and I am still hurt and unsettled in life.

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When ever I bring something up , My H will say its been 6 mos let it go!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would like to know exactly what "bring something up" means. Like what things do you bring up? Give examples.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I find some days it is all I dwell on, and others I am ok</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALL NORMAL at this stage.

There is a six month "recovery hump" for most BS's. YOU are NOT crazy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... Also when do you let your gaurd down again and can trust</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You let your guard down when it is comfortable to let your guard down. And not sooner. The first level of "trust" you need to recover is your trust in yourself, your own ability to recognize what is real and what is not. Relax. There is no timetable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Every time is phone rings I get a knot in my stomach... ( The OW still calls and hangs up- never says any thing)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boundary time. This is your responsibility to say clearly what your boundary is ---> no more OW harrassment ... and do NOT tolerate anything less.

Change the effin phone number. UNlisted. No "ifs ands or buts"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When he leave for work ealier than normal , I freek out ( not to my H just inside) ny H has been really good with all of the question, but now he seems to get aggitated and frustrated ( he told one of his friends he is frustrated)...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This too is normal for this stage.

His frustration stems from his desire to be admired by his wife. (I'll betcha anything)

He has a need to be admired by YOU ---> but guess what, he has to earn that back.

HERE is something for both of you to do:

When you are feeling good, sit him down and come up with a PLAN that allows HIM to help YOU at your moment(s) of need.

You can say something like "I am feeling so bad right now. Hold me." .... then, allow him to hold you. And have your H agree that he WILL hold you whenever he is asked to. This helps sooooo much!


Prayers for you.

Pep

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

HopefulinNY & JustHurt ,

The title of this thread of "how long ..." and the answer is "it depends" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

As Harley suggested, there are steps to take to avoid resentment. Read on how A should end. Both of you have to pour efforts to do 4 rules of recovery. Filling ENs, avoding LBs, Radically Honest and spending a lot of undivided attention time to each other.

It is not the time ... time doesn't do anything ... what you do with it determine how fast you would recover your M.

-rh-

Redhat, I am all for the MC .... I have mentioned it to him and I believe this is the next step for us... I truley believe I need someone to show me the way to be able to trust again. and to forgive at least better than I am trying to do now. I am going to get more info on the 4 rules and really do everything I can... I am also reading HNHN

Forevertogether, My husband handles my questions pretty well to. I guess sometimes he wants to forget it... I told him the other day it is easy for you, you got all of the pleasure from this and I get all of the pain, I have trouble letting it go I think because , she didn't pay any price other that being psycho.. she needs to pay and be humilitated and embarrassed by her action and that hasn't happened yet.

HopefulinNY, I am so glad I am no the only one also, I know from MB Forum we will win!!! If we can just hold on and believe in ourselves.

Pepperband, I have a bad habit of writing my H letters and questioning him all over again, I will ask him so why did you think this was ok... And how did the A start, I think I am fishing for him to change his answer, and he hasn't.. There are alot of other things I have found out through all of this about him... ( I knew he like his ego pumped, I just didn't realize how important it was for his survival... He is flattered by people who compliment him and tell him he is good at something, or looks good, need to be accepted all of the time. I have another so called friend who tryed to hit on him ( He went to p/u her car at her house he was working on it for her at my request and she answered the door in a towel and wanted him to come in, he says he didn't, and she also invited him to a concert. All of which I found out after D-Day , We had a talk and I told him to spill everything so we could start fresh... WoW wasn't ready for all of that. Here is the thing about our phone #, we moved( she use to drive by our house and Honk) we changed our home phone, both our cell phones and my work cell phone. Some how she found the cell number ( she calls and hangs up, even when I answer his phone she hangs up... ) she calls our home phone... we made the number unlisted ... She has also called his work posing as me.... That was when I really went over the edge... He called the dispatch office and said can I speak to (H,name) this is (my name) .. his dispatcher calls him on his cell phone and says you have a call it is your wife, he said no its not she wouldn't call me on that phone... take a message, when the dispatcher went back to the ohone to take a message, she was gone. I found out that her oldest some is a wiz on the computer. Or she knows someone who works for our cell provider.or she went on line and paid for it.I am not sure what more to do other then beat her A**...

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: JustHurt ]</small>

Redhat, I am all for the MC .... I have mentioned it to him and I believe this is the next step for us... I truley believe I need someone to show me the way to be able to trust again. and to forgive at least better than I am trying to do now. I am going to get more info on the 4 rules and really do everything I can... I am also reading HNHN

Forevertogether, My husband handles my questions pretty well to. I guess sometimes he wants to forget it... I told him the other day it is easy for you, you got all of the pleasure from this and I get all of the pain, I have trouble letting it go I think because , she didn't pay any price other that being psycho.. she needs to pay and be humilitated and embarrassed by her action and that hasn't happened yet.

HopefulinNY, I am so glad I am no the only one also, I know from MB Forum we will win!!! If we can just hold on and believe in ourselves.

Pepperband, I have a bad habit of writing my H letters and questioning him all over again, I will ask him so why did you think this was ok... And how did the A start, I think I am fishing for him to change his answer, and he hasn't.. There are alot of other things I have found out through all of this about him... ( I knew he like his ego pumped, I just didn't realize how important it was for his survival... He is flattered by people who compliment him and tell him he is good at something, or looks good, need to be accepted all of the time. I have another so called friend who tryed to hit on him ( He went to p/u her car at her house he was working on it for her at my request and she answered the door in a towel and wanted him to come in, he says he didn't, and she also invited him to a concert. All of which I found out after D-Day , We had a talk and I told him to spill everything so we could start fresh... WoW wasn't ready for all of that. Here is the thing about our phone #, we moved( she use to drive by our house and Honk) we changed our home phone, both our cell phones and my work cell phone. Some how she found the cell number ( she calls and hangs up, even when I answer his phone she hangs up... ) she calls our home phone... we made the number unlisted ... She has also called his work posing as me.... That was when I really went over the edge... He called the dispatch office and said can I speak to (H,name) this is (my name) .. his dispatcher calls him on his cell phone and says you have a call it is your wife, he said no its not she wouldn't call me on that phone... take a message, when the dispatcher went back to the ohone to take a message, she was gone. I found out that her oldest some is a wiz on the computer. Or she knows someone who works for our cell provider.or she went on line and paid for it.I am not sure what more to do other then beat her A**...

sorry my computer freak out and posted this 2 times... sorry

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: JustHurt ]</small>

*restraining order for harassment*

today

Pep

JustHurt,

Forgive doesn't mean forgeting. Yes, both of you need coaching on this. You should calls MB or cerri for it. Also if you could afford it, you should go to the MB weekend seminar. It is a quick jump start on MB then the most valuable is coaching after the seminar.

You could ask the phone company to trace the incoming calls and use it for R.O. against her. However I think you shouldn't engage her since it is what she wants you to do.

-rh-

Pepperband, restraining order have already filled out the paperwork, problem, when my H and Ow were haveing their A... She lived one place she has moved and I do not know where... Somewhere in the town we live in.. I have contacted a friend on the Police Department and he is tring to find out , he said he would even serve her the restraining oder himself. so as soon as we find her she will be served.

keep pristine records of EVERYTHING

You have 4 daughters to protect

this is an angry crazy woman you are dealing with

Pep

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I have been keeing track... my oldest knows this women is calling, she doesn't have all of the info... but she answered the phone one night at 11:30 private number... Ans said over the phone why don't you stop calling B****, and the ow hung up, my daughter was furious, when I woke up in the morning she said oh the B**** called and then 1 second later H cells was ringing, my daughter said I almost answered it, I said you should have... God forbid she ever see this woman, I will have to hold her back.... Pretty scary how protective kids will be...

It's not so much a matter of how long it takes YOU to get over it, as how long it takes your husband to make you feel safe again.

How active of a role does your husband take in reassuring you, being accountable, asking you how you feel and how he can help you, taking action to stop the harrassment from the OW? Do you feel safe telling him that it worries you when he leaves for work early?

IMHO as long as he has an attitude that he has some right to EXPECT you to be over it now, or soon, that he has some right to feel frustrated that you aren't yet, you won't be over it.

His attitude and actions need some work IMHO.
If he's feeling frustrated (annoyed?) by your fears, then maybe he's still too focused in HIS feelings and comfort to care much about your recovery?

Also, does he expect that when you are healed and trusting him again there are certain risk behaviors he will once again be allowed to do?
Have you made sure he understands that any changes he agreed to in order to repair the marriage may need to become permanent to ensure the marriage stays safe?

At least you're lucky that the fella he whined to didn't give him sympathy. But unfortunately he won't have much trouble finding somebody else, who is ignorant about the sort of precautions EVERY marriage needs to have in place to prevent problems, and how much work it takes to repair a marriage after adultery, to agree with him that you aren't getting over it fast enough.

The real question is: How long is it going to take your WH to get the right attitude?
My guess is, not a moment sooner than you make it clear THAT is what's required for recovery.

At some point he agreed to end his affair and to commit to repairing the marriage, right? Well, THIS is what he was promising to do then. If you were in a Plan B and allowed him to get you back without clarifying this, then you may be only in a false recovery so far (even if he has ended the affair and contact with the OW).

Scroll about halfway down the page at this link for more info about what his attitude should be regarding the trauma he's put you through and how long it's going to take to earn back your trust:

http://www2.oprah.com/relationships...l?contentId=con_20041103_drstosny_03.xml

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Thank you meremortal... that is a lot of great information, I will be printing that out and sharing with my H. I have not been clear with him on what bothers me and makes me feel insecure... I will need to do that asap, that might take away some of the issue I have... with the phone & leaving early for work... he does call me everyday on his way home from work that is one thing I have asked him to do and he has done that willingly and hasnot forgotten in 6 mos, We also talk 4 or 5 times during the day, I think he does that to reasure me... wich is awesome, but I haven't set up other boundries yet,,, but I will this weekend. Last night I did tell him that when he gets frustrated with me and wants me to be over it, that is hurts my feelings...he did apoligise, and said that he wold be more patient, he realizes he did this to me and I will have to be over this when I am over it. Forgive but never forget!!!