The title says it all...

How do you deal with the utter lack of companionship? I don't know if my sitch is more severe than most, but I moved to LA in July, and had to tavel for a good deal, then the A happened. I had no time to make new friends, my family (what is left of it) is scattered around, and my adopted family (my in-laws) are no longer available to me. I have developed a few friendships, but now that I am moving back to TX, will have to abandon them for the most part.

I don't want to date, but I miss holding my W (before she became a WW) at night. I sleep alone.....I am alone. She has her OM, I got bupkiss.

Now to the BH's in particular - how do you resist the need for SF? I don't want to date around or have ONS's (did that once already, what a stupid a$$ I was), but I can't have my WW. Am I just supposed to become a monk? I am so torn between my desire to do what's right and my animal instincts....

TM

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 11:32 PM: Message edited by: TravellinMan ]</small>

My sitch was diffrent me and the FWW were stilling having SF..

For me if my fww had cut me off, I would just go without...Take up a hobby to help you through those times of need..

When I left FWW when she was ww .. I had a long 8 weeks of no SF..

I worked out, In ran I did things to take my mind off it...

With three kids and everything , I was so tired when I hit the bed that sleep was all I cared about..

Sorry if my advice was useless but it's what I did...

TM, been there mate... I got some great advice. Read what the smart folks told me.

Is it all worth it? Temptation of BS in Plan A

Stay strong br'a. Its a heroes Gig you're in.

Travellin-

I understand why you emphasized men in your post, but I GUARANTEE you I desire SF just as much if not more than ANY man. (Think it has something to do with my age and reaching my *peak*).

I'm the official Plan B failure, so I'm not actually in Plan B for the third time yet, therefore am once again having SF with my husband.....the *do it yourself* method just makes me want to cry afterwards, I just feel like "UGH, what a pathetic state I'm in"

So I don't know what the men are gonna tell ya, except take matters into your own hands (Pun SO intended)

BTW, I really, really miss being in my husband's arms at night......it's the only place I feel safe.

So to the lonliness I can relate BIG TIME, I have kids so I try to do stuff with them, we went to the library for 2 hours last night. (I know you don't have kids) I also went out and had a few beers with friends, that made me a feel a little better.

-Caren

-Caren

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Travellin,
I am in a very similar sitch as you are. The difference being that my WW has filed for D. We dont have kids, although we do have two dogs which are with me in the home (she left). The smallest dog (10 lbs.) sleeps with me. He is a great companion and as soon as wife left, he wouldnt sleep in his bed. So, that has helped. Not quite like a human to sleep with but he is warm and soft. As for the SF part, man that is a bigtime struggle. What I have done though, is read my bible until I go to sleep. It has proven to be very effective. I am sure it would work for you as well. Another benefit I have found to bible study, is that when I am reading it no other thoughts wander into my mind. It really is the only time when I am not thinking about my sitch.

Cold showers.... Lots and lots of cold showers... No seriously, after my divorce, I vowed to myself that I was not going to have sex outside of a committed relationship.

Boy did that come back to bite me in the butt. I got my three year celibacy chip in '04. If sex and sexual needs is your focus, then you will focus on it. If healing and becoming a better person is your focus, you'd be suprised how little you think about sexual desires.

Thanks everyone for the replies...Mschluter, Bob, Caren, crushed, LH...


I hope I can resist the urge to date, especially considering that my WW sleeps in the arms of the OM every night....It just doesn't seem right that I must be alone. Sometimes I reason to myself - she cheated on me, she is sleeping with him every night (he has essentially moved in), she filed for D....so why am I worried about meeting and having relations with other women? Am I stupid, or what?


Crushed -

We are in more of a similar sitch than you might think - my WW filed for D in Jan, but has yet to serve me papers. I also have a dog (three total, but my WW is keeping two), and she has been a great comfort, although not the same as having my W next to me.


LH -

Isn't this thread all about resisting urges? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


TM

Hi TM,

It must be difficult for you to feel "lonely".Since you do not have children,it may be harder.For me,my main focus all along has been my girls so that kept me busy and still does.I just passed the 1 year mark of no SF(boo hoo) and that is a first after having it for 20 years.I miss it,sure.

BUT I would rather be alone and be me than an adultering WS and have the OP lying next to me.Yuk.That sickens me and I don't feel in any way "jealous" or think that they have it all.No way.It's wrong, especially in God's eyes.

What also has helped me is that I love being alone by nature.Being an "only" child,I crave being by myself a lot.But I can go either way,I also like to be with other's and talk.Like you,I moved 2 years ago but I left a huge number of great women friends and I miss that very much.I adore my home and I cannot imagine moving again but the friendship part is a sore spot with me.I thought my WH and I would retire here in our lovely town but I may just end up alone.Who knows.I am open to any possibility one day.

So,I can't say that my SF need is an urge that is overwhelming me(or any for that matter).I have resigned myself to the fact that I cannot in any way have that right now unless I am in a committed relationship too where I really care about the man and that can't happen for some time.I still have to get officially D'd first, then heal, then maybe look around when I feel ready,so time is hanging over me.

Anyway,I'm not a man so I don't know if I have helped.I just thought I would share my own story.I too have a dog as well that needs a lot of attention so she is like my third DD.Then I do a lot of remodeling and refurnishing of my home and just try to keep my mind occupied on other areas.Busy,busy,busy.

O

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

TM,

There is an article that I just posted that you might find interesting in that it discusses friendships and the difference between men and women. If it fits, then you can see there are ways to address it.

As for your W with OM, that is her choice and exactly why I said to move to TX. I would strongly urge you to NOT date while you are married. Rather, I would encourage you to use this time to assess your marriage and your desire to remain in it. If you decide to leave it, file for divorce, get the divorce, AND THEN date.

There are many reasons for this but one of the most obvious is that you are violating YOUR vows and they are important to you if not your W. Second, if you were to run into someone that filled your needs, you would NOT be free to explore that relationship and if it was a good one take it to a new level. It is unfair to you, and to this new woman.

TM, I have a motto that would really help you. Keep life simple, don't contribute to chaos in your life, and do things in the proper order. You will find that if you do that ALL of the other issues will fall into place.

Must go,

God Bless,

JL