I am the betrayed spouse (male). I feel that i need to know everything. Because in the end i believe that if/when i forgive her i will then be forgiving her for EVERYTHING. My wayward spouse if agreeable, but it is seeming very painful to her for may reasone: self guild, realization...

Hi Cain,

Welcome to MB. You will find a lot of helpful information and support here. Glad you are here, but also sorry you are here!

Every BS (betrayed spouse) is different in what they would like to learn about the A. I was like you in that I needed to know everything for two reasons:

1) So there were no more secrets between my H (husband) and the OW (other woman).

2) So I knew what I would be forgiving my H for.

It is great that your W (wife) is willing to share the details. It will be painful for both of you (tell/hear) but it is a necessary step in recovery.

Wish you the best.

Take care.

sss

Thank you so much for your reply. We both read the book (how to survive...) and are on week 2 of the 4 week "replenishing the love bank" phase. It is hard for me to hide my sadness as recomended by Harley. I feel very empty inside. And the emptier i feel the more i need her love--which isn't there yet. Its very hard

Cain,

I know what you mean about sadness and trying to hide it. I cried every day for a year after d-day (day of A (affair) discovery) so I wasn't able to hide my sadness very well. I was devastated by my H's last A.

Just do the best you can, but don't expect too much of yourself. We are just human after all, and very hurt humans just after d-day.

Besides great sadness, you will probably experience moments of tremendous anger too. I did. This is a good place to come to so that you can vent and avoid love-busting your W during recovery.

(((HUGS)))

sss

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Thank you! I feel less alone now that i'm here in this chat community.

My wife and i are best friends. We have the deepest bond 2 friends can have. SHe says she is not "in love" with me any more, but obviously still "loves" me. Our dozen years of marriage were / are wonderful. I failed in fulfilling almost all 5 of her top emotional needs in the past years due to hours i committed to my job.

Her affair was the deepest emotional affair possible--and with a close friend of mine. She said eventually she couldn't even hug me without pretending it was her lover.

He is married with 3 kids as well as us. There was no plan A, or plan B. because they both knew they couldn't be together if they got caught. So, when they did get caught it ended. This scenario was not played out in any of the examples Harley wrote about. As a result, she doens't know what phase she's in. And wonders if she should leave me to see if she can feel the love as all the wayward spouses did in plan A and B. I am not happy with this at all.

Cain,

You certainly have the right to ASK for any details that you believe that you want to know. I would advise you to carefully consider what details will really be helpful to you. Your wife may not be willing to give you the information that you seek at the time that you ask. Give her time and let her offer what she can when she can. I believe that if you make the initial disclosures safe for her, she may be willing to eventually fill in details that you need. If she thinks that you are going to rant and rave and call her horrible names, she probably won't be to willing to discuss the details.

I let my wife decide what she wanted to know and I told her . . . eventually. I would have told her anything that I remembered, but I was a mess when I was in the affair and some specifics are very muddled in my small brain.

I would welcome yoy here, but frankly, I wish you didn't need to be here.

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Oh Cain! How awful for you! Being betrayed by both your W and good friend!

Were you the one that caught them?

Has your friend's W been told? It's important that she know as well.

I'm sure others will be along to give you some input. It can be a little slow on a Friday. I don't think separation is usually recommended because you can't work on recovery, healing and getting back those love feelings when you are separated.

Often times when the WS (wayward spouse) wants to separate it's because it's a way for them to continue contact with the other person once they are away from your watchful eyes.

Hopefully you can continue suggesting that separation will not help your recovery.

I felt the same way when I found MB. I found MB about a month after d-day but did not know about the discussion forum until about three months past d-day. Until I found it, I felt like a complete crazy person. I did not know what was wrong with me. Could not function. Could not sleep. Could not eat. Could not work (at a job I used to love so much)! I felt much less alone and crazy when I joined this forum.

It's a rough roller coaster ride, but your M (marriage) can recover and be better than before.

sss

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

double post

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Wow - a triple post!

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Cain,

Your W is right on the charts from what you have said. Plan A and Plan B are for ending the A and enduring until the A ends. Once that happens there is a lot in Harleys literature and others about the exact situation you are in. Your W is very likely in withdrawal right now and depending on the length and depth of the A this can last for months. I am going to look up SKM's post of her chronciles and come back here an edit this post so that you can see how she evolved following her affair.

you do need to know what you feel you need to know. I would like to suggest a few strategies to you that might help you both.

First write down your questions. As many as you can think of and write them down. The let them sit for a day or so, and then go back and after each question list WHY you need to know the answer to this question. What you will learn if it is one thing or another. Remember you are not trying to establish that there was an A, you know that. But, you are trying to understand a large chunk of your life that was a lie or simply withheld from you.

After you have done this, let it sit for another day, and then go back over it. Refine, tune, add, delete...whatever. Then ask your W would she rather have these questions in written for to address with you or would she rather do it verbally. Further, it has been found that after the first round of questions, that setting off some time specifically to address questions rather than have them just come at her at all times of the day often helps the WS function better.

You are allowed to ask the same questions over and over, but if you and your W find that you are focusing on a few specific ones and she is answering them, then it is probably time to make a second list of questions she has answered complete with the answers she gave.

Cain, this is a process and it will take a long time for you to heal, your W to get through withdrawal, and the marriage to heal. Harley claims around 2 years.

So go read the articles about withdrawal, about love busters, and about needs and I think you will realize you are one the charts around here.

I'll come back with the location of SKM's article. It will help you to see the time line. By the way, her marriage is recovered they now have a child and are doing very very well.

God Bless,

JL

PS:: Here is it SKM's Chronicles

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Dear Stillsosad,

Yes, i guess i was the one that discovered the affair. The other betrayed spouse knows of this. She doesn't want to be with her lover anymore, but wonders if she and i weren't ever meant to be. She had such strong emotional feelings and physical feelings with him that she never had with me. Again, she doesn't want her lover, but perhaps wants to end it with me thinking she might be more content alone or with a different lover some day

***double post***

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you should try to get your W to post on the board. The FWSs here could really help her.

The statement "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is about as run-of-the-mill FWS fog talk as you can get. The FWSs here are usually pretty good at helping in situations like this.

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Cain H. ]</small>

I'm so sorry, i'm new here. What does FWS mean? Female Wayward Spouse?

Cain -

Former Wayward Spouse

I can only hope that I will one day be able to refer to my WW as such...


TM

Its means former wayward spouse

Cain H:

First hello and welcome.
FWS = Former Wayward Spouse

for a Female

FWW = Former Wayward Wife

My personal favorite:
RWW = Recovered Wayward Wife

And yes, if YOU need the details then Ask for them.
No garentee you'll get them , but don't try to sweep it under the rug of your heart and emotions if its something you'll NOT be able to let go of.

If you do it will build up like poison and come Gushing out, just when your WW thinks you are getting somewhere.

And unfortuanately, the easiest time to discuss all this mess in detail is NOW (before time and distance make it even MORE uncomfortable for either of you to Bring up).

Getting the answers to my questions (took about a year total)....was the key in my being able to STOP "obsessing" about her A (affair) -- 24/7.
I Do thank my W (wife) for being willing to give me that gift. (Cause like many here....she didn't have to).

Lastly, I've noticed you have quite a few threads going.
If you haven't already done so...please give out some info. on your personal situation.
Not your real names or address....but years married, kids or not, lenght of W's A and so forth.

This will greatly help and and all that choose to respond to you (as well as not have it all come out piece meal).
I know its uncomfortable to give out this stuff....but your here, so you might as well give yourself the BEST chance at making it that you can.

Wishing you success in your journey.