My wife (wayward spouse) and i are best friends. We have the deepest bond 2 friends can have. She says she is not "in love" with me any more, but obviously still "loves" me. Our dozen years of marriage were / are wonderful. I failed in fulfilling almost all 5 of her top emotional needs in the past years due to hours i committed to my job.

Her affair was the deepest emotional affair possible--and with a close friend of mine. She said eventually she couldn't even hug me without pretending it was her lover.

Her lover is married with kids as well as us. There was no plan A, or plan B. because they both knew they couldn't be together if they got caught. So, when they did get caught it ended. This scenario was not played out in any of the examples Harley wrote about. As a result, she doens't know what phase she's in. And wonders if she should leave me to see if she can feel the love as all the wayward spouses did in plan A and B.

I do not want her to move out. I'm hoping she will start to feel love again in the 4 weeks of bliss that Harley suggests. Most of the wayward spouses had several months if not years to find the want/will to go back to their spouse after plan A and B. Will my wife need more than 4 weeks to start feeling love again?

I believe she misses her lover very much, but believes 100% in Harleys writings about the falness of the relationship. Should she move out?

Cain

no you should not encourage her to go at all. Fight against that idea.

Most commonly a WS desire to move out and 'find herself' is code for continuing the affair.
Your wifes comments that she loves you but not that way etc etc is also very common WS script lines and shows your wife is way deep in the fog right now.

The best way to use Plan A is to have her living with you and committing to NO CONTACT.
Has she written a NC letter like Harley recommends she does? She should do this, show it to you and you post it.
It means she & you must NEVER see or hear from this OM again, Friendship over forever.

Cain please read over again the basic principles here and make sure you do understand them really well,

CAin the following shortcuts might be of some help to you even if you have read the basics...

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

Cain,

AW is right. Do you best to have her live with you. You both have a lot of healing to do. Given what you have said about her affair, it will take more than 4 weeks for her feelings of love to return. I posted something to you on your other thread about that.

One thing that will help and in fact is really necessary is that she NOT CONTACT OM in any way, shape or form. It will start her withdrawal back at zero again. It may take something as drastic and moving from the area to accomplish this, and you should keep it on your list of things to consider as you go through this very very painful time.

AW can help you a lot, so listen carefully to what she says. She is very wise.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you both. When i hit "reply" and type here, are you sent my reply? I hope so. Your words are so healing. i want to reply to you with thanks and continue our communication.

My WS misses the "bubble world" very much but believes in Harley 100% My WS and her lover are NOT communicating or intending to see each other ever again. Both sides are committed to family, reconsiliation, and Harleys program.

My wife does not want her lover back. But believes she doesn't deserve me, cant get over the guilt, cant face the guilt, cant believe she deserves to be forgiven...feels trapped here in our home (no love busters in our home either).

I think the pain is so strong that she wants to 'run away from it'. Thats where the "seperating" energy is coming from.

Any ideas?