Wanted to give an update for all who might end up divorced with c/c issues regarding communication and joint decision making.

This mediation was with Friend of the Court.

I just got back, it lasted only about an hour and was not in the courtroom like I feared, but in the mediators office.

She was a no-nonsence, no BS kind of lady. She was very much in control of the meeting which I was thankful of because I tend to be very emotional around my DD's dad and there is so much anger between us.

She got right to the heart of the matter and is ordering joint parental counseling for us both. She also is ordering an evaluation by a child/family counselor for my DD. She is concerned about her grades/weight issue and the effect the animosity between dad and mom is having on her.

She also said that my DD is what the court is concerned about, and if it goes to the judge he will not put up with parents who can't/won't communicate and make good decisions together regarding the child.

She said in front of the judge it would last 15 mins and then he would make a decision, and she said we would be well advised to avoid that. She said the judge will not care what either of us has to say, all he will see is the non-communication aspect.

She was very good at her job and by the end of meeting my DD's dad even admitted that he had let it get to this point and realizes it was a mistake. At the beginning of the session we were both fuming and foaming at the mouth. He also said his wife has already realized that she is overstepping her boundaries where DD is concerned and this has stopped.

We will be notified by mail when our first counseling session will be.

I feel hopeful that we can work together for DD's good with the help of the counselor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Probably as good as you could have hoped, huh weave? Good job.

But this irks me to no end:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong> She also said that my DD is what the court is concerned about, and if it goes to the judge he will not put up with parents who can't/won't communicate and make good decisions together regarding the child.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yea right, good decisions "together" regarding the child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Pissing in the wind - after the worst decision has already been cast in stone.

Where was the court's "concern" earlier?

I am fortunate that my son is as old as he is. I don't have to put up with any joint decision process much longer. I would love to have a judge sit in on just one attempt at communication I have with my XW.

WAT

((((WEAVER))))

weaver, it is a very good outcome, I am glad for you.

-rh-

Weaver,

That is a HUGE victory!! This could be a real turning point for you daughter, and it sounds like your xH had his tail between his legs!

I'm so proud of you and am happy for the counseling in your future!!!

Great job! Thanks for updating us - keep us posted!

Thanks everyone!

WAT -

The reason she ordered counseling for us was because she saw how innept (sp) we are at communicating when at the beginning I started yelling and calling him a liar when he denied certain things. Then he started saying really nasty stuff to me. If she hadn't been there to intervene it could have ended up in a fist fight.

Hence the counseling where we will learn how to communicate with each other without bloodshed.

Maybe you should suggest joint parental counseling with you and your WXW. I bet that would go over really big, heh? Nothing humorous about that I know WAT.

Hi weaver,

I am glad things went well for you.I suppose the best outcome was the admittance of your DD's dad that he was at fault to some degree and that the new W needed to back off a bit.

I can sympathize with the emotion surrounding your "ex".Everytime my WH is near me I just start crying.And if I am not crying when he is near I want to punch him.I still have a lot of unresolved anger,well maybe not a lot but some,because I never got a chance to work on my marriage.

From DDay it's been a very painful saga where I was on the receiving end of a lot of injustice and destruction.I have to find a way to live with that and find resolution,for myself and my girls.Right now our communication is minimal(my choice) and very business like.

Anyway,it's a start for you.Your DD will benefit from her parents working together to make sure she is safe and secure.

Good luck in this~

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Weaver said:
I started yelling and calling him a liar when he denied certain things.

Hey Weav,
How come you started yelling?

I mean, I know how emotions go sometimes, but for some reason I figured you would be cool as a cucumber for this meeting. How come I got it so wrong?

Are you happy with the way it's going?

SS

SS,

I vowed to myself to be as cool as a cucumber however I failed.

Going in I had a panic attack, was able to get my breathing under control but then he started denying that he has told me twice now that my DD is none of my business when he is with her.

He also said that he wanted my wages garnished for a $42.00 doctor bill which I did pay but put it in my DD's backpack instead of delivering to him personally.

This all after I refused to sue him for child support for the 8.5 years I had her before he sued me for custody. I was trying to be fair to him since he was working on his engineering degree (still) and let him give me money for support as he was able.

Well now the table's have turned, he and his wife have three times the income I have, and he starts being petty and mean.

I know SS, I should have stayed calm. He is the one person who can push my buttons. Hence the ordered counseling.

The Dispute Resolution Center (where the counseling will be held by a licensed shrink) called today to talk to me (him too I guess) and will be setting up the sessions.

Have you ever heard of such a center? I guess it is funded by government grants in order to help people avoid court when possible. Any disputes would qualify, not just child custody. Cool heh?

I should have taken a tranquelizer. LOL

No, I haven't heard of a center like this, but it has to be a good deal. Better than hiring high $$ lawyers and going at it in court.


I know you understand I wasn't getting you about yelling, but I wanted to say it too - I wasn't. Just wanted to understand better what happened.

I know about panic attacks. Have always been able to get things under control, in fact, probably do better when it's an emergency, because something kicks in that calms me down, and gets me through bad stuff. That initial panic feeling can just about make you bonkers though.

Now, what do you hope comes of this?

Just a framework of being able to work things out with him in humane ways?

Or do you hope to set a more rigid framework so he can't pull anything on you?

SS

Oh SS, if only you knew what I went through to get this guy to act like a dad after she was born.

He at that time (still is sometimes) a popular rock musician in these parts. He messed around on me when I was pregnant but I wanted so much for her to have a dad that I drug him to the hospital with me basically. Had to run him down at the bar he was playing in that night to manage this feat.

He did fall in love with her at birth but then started act like a fool again, so I would chase him down, make him pull over and then hand her to him in her carseat and take off.

I even at one point went up on stage when he was playing and forced him to give me money for milk and diapers as I was very, very broke back then. LOL

Well it worked and now she has a dad who loves her. I had read somewhere that freaks pray on little kids who don't have dad's because they are so needy, etc.

What I want is for DD to have two parents who get along well, and who can make good decisions together in her best interest. A united front.

The mediator told my ex that DD needed to see us interacting positively so that she can form good opinions about parents, even those who don't live together.

Basically I want my DD to have what she deserves and needs to be happy in this life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am exceedingly happy about the mediation and that we are going to counseling on her behalf. I am glad that the mediator woke us both up to the possible outcome of our poor co-parenting.

And very happy that she was able to get the point across to DD's dad that good communication and joint decision making is not optional, it is mandatory and court ordered by virtue of our joint custody agreement.

Whew...

Hi weave - I validate your frustration keeping your cool. It's a real challenge in these situations that cut to our core.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weaver:
<strong>Well now the table's have turned, he and his wife have three times the income I have, and he starts being petty and mean.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps this is not what you were inferring, but the income of the new spouse does not usually get considered in determining child support. It's as if they don't exist (ironic that they don't exist just for this, huh?). Only in cases in which the new spouse becomes an adoption parent do they exist for these purposes, I believe. Sorry to have to inform you of this. Check with your attorney for sure.

WAT

Yes, the mediator made it perfectly clear that his spouse's income made no difference and would not be considered in child support.

I was entertaining the idea of sueing for support now that he is doing so well. But that isn't going to happen.

Hopefully he will pay for her college though. Probably should have had all that decided in the custody agreement.

I don't really care about the money, we do just fine without it. She lives high on the hog with them, but she learns the importance of the little things and simple pleasures with me. I wonder who she'll be calling for money when she is a teen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You sound like you are doing really well now.

I am glad.

SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />