Just a quick note i found out aout my H 2month A
by finding a reciept for a $5 teddy bear. He left it right on the dresser.And in Dec we were talking about each getting cell phones but both decided to wait until tax time. He was leaning more towards it than me. But now i don't want one. He says that i will see all the calls that are made each month by the bill.Which is true. So i asked why was he more for the cell phone back then and he said maybe so i can get caught. He said he did'nt know how to get out of the mess he put himself in.This was a co-worker they mostly talked on the phone. They tried to have sex once in her car but he could'nt finish he got scared.But he did still call her. AS soon as i found out he never talked to her again and he just got a new job.Sometimes i think he was tring to pick a fight with me so he can get mad and say something about iT. So i want to know if it is possible they want to be caught?

Thanks
LL

Hi, lastinglove.

Guilt is a powerful motivator.

Gimble

I know my H feels real guilty and sorry for what he did. I don't understand how WS can't stop the A on there own.I'm not giving my H any excuse for what he did. He did work full time with overtime and go to school full with tons of homework.Could he of gotton to over his head.
Thanks
LL

bump up
trying to get just a few more replys

I can only tell you what my XW told me.

When she went away for the day and night leaving our boys with family she said she wanted to get caught. She remains steadfast that she wanted me to know. To punish me for always being gone doing "my own thing" (a whole different topic - her reality and mine were quite different as to what I did when I was away). See I trusted her and she was and remains very angry that I "never even asked where she was"...the second time she was with him...she allowed him to fly his plane in for a booty call....problem was I trusted her...should I have had to ask to be lied to???

So..in my case I belive that my spouse wanted me to "notice"....

I had blind faith...never again..

lastinglove~

My H did not try to hide his A after the first month (it only lasted 2 mo.) so he would get caught.

I do all the bills. They TMed each other about 75-100 per month for the two months. In August I did not get a chance to review the detailed bill but was floored when it was over $200. (up from reg. fee of 29.95!) Mentioned it to H and he said Oh there were so many more calls made for work. Duh, dummy me had absolutely no problem believing him! I was such a moron.

Finally Sept. bill comes in - even more $$$. I was POed (at the cell phone co!!) and started to comb the bill. Saw all these TMs to the same #. (we never TMed BTW) I was on the phone with my sister at the time and told her what I saw and said, "He's had lots of calls for work." SHE had to get me LOOK, and said "All to the SAME #???"

Enter Mac Truck that flattened me at that very moment. I knew immediately what it meant.

He wanted to get caught - he admitted that. He said I knew you'd eventually look close at the bills and the jig would be up. He did not have the b@lls to end it himself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

What makes me sad is if I had looked at the August bill, it would have ended a month sooner and they would have never 'consummated' their A <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL~

I was scared to death of being caught, yet at the same time I wished I would be.

I tried to end it on my own 2X's, but didn't stick to it. I always wondered if my H would've found out before I ended it on my own, if his intervention would've caused me to end it sooner. I think maybe that's why I wanted him to find out--to do for me what I couldn't do? I'm not entirely sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I remember thinking if my H was behaving, saying, and doing the same things I was, I'd jump on those red flags like crazy. I made so many "mistakes" and missteps in trying to hide my secret life.

He even said one time during my A, he felt my heart was else where, even wondered if I was gay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , and yet he didn't check up on me!!

I've asked him during our recovery why he didn't check up on me during A if he was suspicious. That maybe things wouldn't have gone as far as they did if he had, (I know...my bad, as if *he* had any responsibilty for my choices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ), but still, very curious why he didn't follow what his heart and head were telling him?? He said, "Come on AD, you would've been madder than hell at me for following you around, or trying to get you to stop something if you weren't ready to stop, you had to do it on your own...".

I bet many WS if they look deep, really do want to get caught.

~ad

thank you for all your replys. I really think my husband wanted to end it but got in to deep.

My WW told me that she knew she would get caught. Also that she knows she is a horrible liar. I think she did, that she knew it was wrong, but that she still has no idea how destructive it was and is to our relationship.

I don't know if my WH wanted to get caught - or if he just wanted to rub my nose in his multiple affairs..

I think it was more at getting back at me, for what I don't know..Then I think he to got in too deep - it became fun - a way of life - and hey, since I exposed him to everyone - he might as well continue it's not a secret the type of man he is anymore..

hi everyone,
Over the weekend i asked my H if he wanted to get caught. He said he can't just come out and say yes,but in the back of his mind he said maybe i did.He also said he was glad he did get caught. He said over getting closer to x-mas he started questioning what the hell he was doing.

Thanks
LL

^^^^BUMP^^^^

Usually they do, whether it is consciously or not.
Trying to live two separate lives (the affair and the marriage) is so much pressure on the affairee.
Once they get it into the open, it's such a big relief.
Frank Pitman talks about it some in "Private Lies".

BUMP

^^^^BUMP^^^

Hi Lastinglove - Mrs. RIF told me that she wanted to get caught... like the others, she said that she was so torn by her emotions that she just wanted it all to end... She also said that part of the "excitement" of her A's was the constant fear of being caught...

So to answer your question, based on what I experienced and what I learned once we started working through all of our issues, yes, I do think that the WS does want to get caught...

Semper Fi,
RIF