I've had NC for over 2 weeks now and have been a complete and utter mess missing the OM. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could think of was him and how I didn't want to be with my H. (Note my H and I are still separated.) Then, out of the blue, the OM calls and tells me that he still loves me and wants me back. Within seconds, my life flipped upside down. With 1 simple call, I felt a calm and warmth I haven't felt since NC. I was elated. If I'm not supposed to be with the OM, why do I feel this way?

What's really confusing is now that I know the OM wants me back, I'm starting to think about my H again and the good things about him. This has happened before when I tried to break things off w/ the OM. Why does this happen? Am I just crazy? Am I just doomed to never have a good, happy relationship with anyone?

Can someone PLEASE explain why this happens and what I'm going through? I'm really beginning to think I've gone completely nuts.

Whisper

Whisper, I'll get in before someone else does.

You're not going crazy but that is why NC is so, so, so important. I went through just what you're going through but I forced myself to keep to NC no matter what.

OK, the OM's called and wants you back. Till he decides he doesn't want you back that is.

If you are serious about trying to save your m, then concentrate on those goods things about your H.

If you're not serious about saving your m, then do the decent thing and divorce your h, then go to the OM. Something tells me that if you burnt your bridges like that, the OM will suddenly find he didn't want you back after all.
I can't remember, is the OM married?

Jen

No, the OM is not married, and until recently, didn't know that I was either. He probably thought that I was crazy with the erratic way I've treated our R over the past yr. I think he now understands and that's why he wants me back - b/c he knows I'm not really like that, it's just the situation I find myself. No, I'm not proud of what I'm doing to either my H nor the OM.

Whisper

"I've had NC for over 2 weeks now and have been a complete and utter mess missing the OM. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. All I could think of was him and how I didn't want to be with my H."

That's what happens when an addict starts to go through withdrawal. (Science - Chemistry)

"(Note my H and I are still separated.)"

I'm curious - what relevence do you place on this fact? If you and your husband were together right now, he might be able to help fill some of the needs the OM was filling for you. But most wayward spouses refuse to let the betrayed spouse do that anyway while they are still in the fog (addiction).

"Then, out of the blue, the OM calls and tells me that he still loves me and wants me back."

Of course... He needs his fix right now too.
But think seriously what exactly he means by 'love'. People who really care about other people don't help them destroy their marriage. What he means is he's feeling the addiction withdrawal too and wants to use you to make him feel good right now.

"Within seconds, my life flipped upside down. With 1 simple call, I felt a calm and warmth I haven't felt since NC. I was elated. If I'm not supposed to be with the OM, why do I feel this way?"

I wonder of cack addicts use that same 'logic'?
(Science - Chemistry)

I guess Satan would be pretty dumb to make sin NOT feel good, huh?
Religion - and DUH!)

"What's really confusing is now that I know the OM wants me back, I'm starting to think about my H again and the good things about him. This has happened before when I tried to break things off w/ the OM. Why does this happen?"

Why? Who cares why? It DOES happen. You see the pattern now. And there's more to it isn't there? Each time you cave to the urge to get your fix, you know you are going to have to start all over going through the withdrawal symptoms, don't you? And each time it gets more painful. After the high of the fix comes the crash and guilt. The high isn't going to keep getting higher. But that pit afterwards is going to get deeper and deeper. The real question is not why this happens... The real question is why do you keep putting yourself through this? Do you really want to go through the pain of withdrawal and guilt over and over again? Or will this time be the last time?
Just how big are you going to let that monkey on your back get before you determine to get IT off (instead of reaching for the quick fix/thrill to get yourself off)?

"Am I just crazy?"

Not yet, but you will be if you keep it up.
The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect it to somehow turn out different one of these times.

"Am I just doomed to never have a good, happy relationship with anyone?"

You can learn how to have a good, happy relationship. BTW, adultery is not the way to start a good, happy relationship. Work on yourself and your marriage.

"Can someone PLEASE explain why this happens and what I'm going through? I'm really beginning to think I've gone completely nuts."

Why does it feel good to do drugs? But then why does it feel so bad to go through drug rehab? Why is it fun to drink and drive? But then why does the drunk driver have to be such a hazard? And why are hangovers so unpleasant? Why does candy taste so good, but toothaches hurt so bad? Why does the fish bite at the worm but then get hooked? Why did it feel so good to hear from the OM?

Because sin is fun... at first. This is what adultery does. You are not experiencing anything abnormal - for somebody committing adultery.

Stop the adultery, go through withdrawal, ALL the way through, and your torment will be over. NO CONTACT with the OM will deliver you from this mess. You've observed the cycle, the cause and effect. Wondering why is just like crying 'no fair'. Tough - It's just the way it is.

If you insist on having contact with him again, to get another temporary fix, knowing full well that will result in you feeling like you're going insane, then no whining.

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

The OM not being married does make a difference. Sorry, I was assuming a married man and that's a whole different kettle of fish.

It's really up to you then. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Where do you want to be in 10 years?

You said in your other thread your H is trying harder now. You did marry him after all and you must have had good reasons to marry him.

Whisper, you sound so confused - you really need to think about what you REALLY want. I know you think you want the OM but have you really thought about what will happen when it's not an A any more, just a normal old relationship like anyone elses.

Jen

Whisper, do you and OM really want a relationship that was built on deceit? Not just your deceit to your H but your deceit to OM as well. Do you think maybe he will always wonder if you cheated WITH him maybe you will cheat ON him?

I know you are confused but stay NC until your head clears.

"No, the OM is not married, and until recently, didn't know that I was either. He probably thought that I was crazy with the erratic way I've treated our R over the past yr. I think he now understands and that's why he wants me back - b/c he knows I'm not really like that, it's just the situation I find myself. No, I'm not proud of what I'm doing to either my H nor the OM."

Trying to put a positive spin on why the OM wants you back now? IMHO your logic gets really sketchy here... So now that he knows what you're realy like: he's not the only man you've been with for the past year, you have been lying to him and your husband for the past year, he is MORE interested in you than before?!?

The OM contacted wants you back now because he is going through withdrawal. The kindest thing you could do is to not have any more contact with him. That way he won't have to go through withdrawal numerous times.

"its just the situation I find myself"?

No, you didn't just find yourself in this situation. You put yourself there. How long do you plan to stay in it?

You also have two men in this situation.
That's one man too many. They will suffer too because of your selfishness. If your husband wants to give you another chance, and you're smart enough to take it, turn ALL of your attention back to your marriage.

You say you're worried about your sanity.

Prove it by removing yourself from the crazy-making situation of adultery and lying ASAP.

I don't remember if anyone here told you this yet:

It takes about 3 weeks to get through the worst part of the withdrawal.

Then it takes about 6 months for the occasional thoughts of OM to subside.

If you can make it through the tough first 3 weeks, then resist those occasional thoughts of OM for next 6 months, you will have succeeded in getting yourself clean from the addiction.

BUT every time you have contact with the OM you (and he) will have to start going through withdrawal all over again.

Don't put yourself through that, avoid the needless additional suffering.

Too bad there isn't some sort of adulteyr-patch like a nicotine patch, huh?

If you think you may need more help with this consider getting an anti-depressant prescription from your doctor.