Its late and Im slow to type but here goes,My wife of 19 years after not recovering from a fling I had 12 years ago ran into the arms of another after passing on a couple of other emotional interests.From this one we are not recovering so well. She is the only one I have been with **and Im going crazy with the pain and tiring of the talks with him included.hearing about how good it was etc.we seem to be reaching an end to our relationship and Im not sure this is really what I want but feel is needed as she works with om and I am not comfortable with this and she really cannot leave.not sure how I can keep dealing with this.please help.

Hi Three Wishes -<P>I am so sorry......I can feel the strength being sucked right out of you just by reading this....<P>You both have been through so much!!<P>Not only the affairs and emotions, but just the regular life stuff. I know that you have been at work for very long days - that in and of itself is drainig enough!!<P>You both have very full plates!!<P>I hope that you will continue to look around here.....we're also a tired bunch, but we're determined that our lives can be what we want if we decide to try hard and use the tools that Dr. Harley has supplied us with.<P>I have been served by my H - he moved ou June 4.....He wants the women and no responsibilities. He is running!!<P>!9 years is something worth exhausting and trying all the resources available to you, is it not?<P>We care about you two and we want to help you both in any way we can.<P>You are very tired, both physically and mentally!! Add the emotional traumas and confusion and it's a wonder that you can function at all!!<P>I have told NB and I will tell you, that if you both try and really understand that the importance of learning some communication skills and relationship techniques is the best and fastest way to start healing your marriage.<P>Have you read your wife's posts....do you see her concerns with the interactions that you both have.<P>Forget what she states about OM - that is something that will change and will change the fastest by looking at the things about you and her!!<P>Are there things that she has expressed either here or to you that you think are misinterpreted communications.<P>For instance, she is saddened that she is alone alot......is there any thing that you can do about working less? or possibly - when you are not at work is there a way that you both can get some fun time in?<P>I know that it is hard, what with everything that is going on!!<P>But, how can you expect a lightened more possitively charged atmosphere around you if you don't make the time to smile and laugh with each other.<P>I realize - all too well - that finances and life's curves can be overwhelming - but you know what I discovere?<P>They will always be there to be taken care of, you two might not be if the attention and tenacity that is poured into work and life problem stuff is not surpassed by showering each other with the same energy that is used towards them.<P>I hope that this has helped some!<P>There are a lot of great people here and I'm sure that some will be by and offer their advice, concern and ears (or should I say eyes!!) We can try to help take all that weight off of your shoulders so that you can both look at what really is the most important reason in life - love and each other with a smile and a hug thrown in!!<P>A BIG HUG TO YOU,<P>Sheba <P>

3Wishs,<BR> Hi, I agree with Sheba here, I have been married for 21 years. I am determined, no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts I will not give up on my marriage.<BR> Yes it hurts when they have anything good to say about the op, but at the same time, would you want a woman who just had a relationship with a man she felt NOTHING for ? I am not saying it was ok for either of you to heat, what I am saying is that she didn't just go out and sleep with just anyone. Some women do you know. I have seen women go into bars and go home with the first guy who looks interested.<BR> Have you told nb how it makes you feel to hear about him ? I know that I am guilty of expecting my h to know how I feel about things without telling him. <BR> Have you told her what you think and how you feel, honestly ? <BR> Evidently ya'll didn't work on the pain and problems caused by the first infidelity, so neither of you were happy, my h and I made the same mistake and so when his last affair ame to light we have had it all to deal with at one. That makes it hard. Have you two printed out the and filled out the emotional needs questionaire ? If not, may I suggest you do so ? It helped my h and I.<BR> you are both worth the work it takes to find a way to work this thing out.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Its 140am now and I should be asleep but cannot. My mind,heart is torn again with the pain of knowing she is out of love with me and that she lost it last nov.hearing this over and over tries my spitit.I dont eat,sleep or even think well.I only work,because I have to,need to,must cont.to try to keep up with all the demands.I wish I had more time for fun but I have to keep supplying and for this it seems Im hated resented,punished,ridiculed and left for another. ive been given notice "last chance,dont call,come by,bother me. I admit I had made my share of mistakes and feel horrible. She now wants me to leave and I hate life right now.I wish I could stay and be happy but if I can find peace,love,tenderness,passion,a sense of belonging,worth,wanted.It feels as though she left and I must run after her and Im afraid Ill find only frustration again. <BR>wish I could be more possitive but these things seem to run a poor course.I appreciate your answers and deepfelt consolations.God give me strength.

Thank you to those who have replied to my H so far. <P>I just wanted to say a couple of things:<P>1. When someone doesn't eat, doesn't sleep and basically isn't functioning for months, I think it's pretty difficult to think clearly. My H needs to see a doctor, get on anti-deps and get counseling (alone and with me). He refuses to do any of it. He tries the meds for a day, feels ill (because he doesn't eat and then the meds rip his stomach up) and stops. You all pretty much know what happened with counseling, I think. If not, check out one of my posts, I usually mention it.<P>2. When I said last chance, it was because he told me he went to bars without his wedding ring and also "fell" for a woman he had a "meaningful hug" with at the church he visited. I have kept my end of the bargain (ended it with the OM) I have asked to quit my job, but we can't afford it, and have come here until we're ALL blue in the face (including our kids who are SICK of me hanging out here - how well they know of the MB site! ) When I said don't come by, it was because he was scaring my co-workers coming by work unannounced to try and catch me with the OM after it was over. He looked like hell, and he looked scary. We all hear about those mild-mannered guys (the neighbor always says, he looked so nice) who snap and kill. My H has 5 rifles, the OM works with me, and frankly the ones in the office who know were afraid they'd get caught in the crossfire when H came to shoot OM. Seriously. It was even suggested that I call security if H comes on campus. I DID NOT DO THAT EVER.<P>Things are not about the OM now. They are about a H who won't do what's necessary to work on his part of what was missing in our marriage. We did do the emotional needs and love busters questionairres, but he got upset and we stopped. I read what he wrote, and it made sense, but he doesn't want to deal with those things. He wants to dwell on the OM. Remember, I understand, because I've been in his shoes. And yes, I brought it up over and over throughout the years. Partly because he had no remorse until recently, he thought they weren't affairs because he didn't screw them (sorry ) even though he was in love with one and kissed and fondled one or both, I've never been sure. <P>This marriage isn't over yet. It needs to change though. <P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Guys, you've both been trough a lot. You need a break. You need some rest. You need to spend a day with each other without even bringing any of this situation up, just relaxing together.<P>As usuall I agree with my twin sheba, and she says all I would say, so just reread her post and think about it.<P>I'll just add something : sometimes, when things get overwhelming we need to stop, think about what isn't working , stop it and find different ways so it will work. But this after relaxing for a bit, pressure doesn't help when we need to think.<BR>Code words: stop the approach that's not giving any results, and find another one.<BR>Maybe you guys should just try not to focus that muchon what happened - agree on some time everyday where it will be o.k. to do so, just a few minutes - and try to use the rest of the time to just be yourselves. It seems to me that this problem was already discussed to exaustion, nothing else will come out of it, try to talk about what you can do to make it work instead. Do some planing for the future. Just try to stop killing the dead cat <BR>Take care you two.<BR>I still think you can do it.<P>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

NB I forgot, I habe one for you.<BR>Last year I think it was October, since things were still not good - my H was supposed to pick me up at work so we could both attend some meeting at my daughter's school. He was still not at his best, and to top it off was working nights and having to wake up after only four hours of sleep did nothing for his manners let alone his appearance.I was a bit late having to deal with a last minute problem. When I went outside I couldn't see his car. I went back and decided to ask at the office if he had called. Everybody was looking at me with concern. Yes he had been there. they had called me trough the PA but I had mine down so I didn't hear. I call him back on the cell. he had decided not to wait - things were still bad with us -. One of the secretaries came to me and asked me if I needed help. WHy? well he looked really bad and... he seemed inebriated(how polite! ). I felt like laughing at the same time I felt so embarassed. See the thing is my H rarely drinks, he's a coffe person. Drinks occasionally at parties or thigns like that ( like me ). I explained he had slept only 3 or 4 hours that's why he probaly wasn't at his best, but don't know - and didn't really care -if they believed me or not.<BR>Your post reminded me of this story, not that it really has anything to do with what we're talking about.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi 3Wishes -<P>How are you feeling today? Have you been able to give any thought to things?<P>Maybe this weekend you can peruse around here a bit and it will help....you have to start taking care of yourself and that includes making time to enjoy something!!!!<P>Financial difficulties will always be around in one form or another. At the rate you're pushing yourself - you might not be!!!<P>Let us know how you are?<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba<P>PS - How are you NB?<BR>

New Beginning -<P>Okay, bend over for your lashings. <P>A good offense isn't a good defense on this board. Lovebuster!<P>Go to the back to the lesson on assertive communication without lovebusters, and forgetting the past.<P>Okay?<P>We love ya, just don't want to make 3 wishes go back into his shell. He's so close - quit scaring him away!<P>God Bless you both.<BR>

Well trustintruth and everyone who replied:<P>Okay, okay, I screwed up!! <tear><P>Andy gave me my lashings before you ever got to me truth, and as I told him... I am super embarrassed. Guess I still have some anger to work through too...<P>Sheryl<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

3Wishes - Please stay on the board and keep telling us how you are feeling and what you are going thru. I think you should get some counseling and find yourself. I don't think you are reaching an end to your relationship unless that's what you want.<P>You sound very depressed so maybe some anti-deps would help.<P>I know how you feel and have gone thru and am going thru some of the same feelings you have. I don't feel loved or appreciated, W also works with OM and during our separation talked on the phone with him from home for 6- 8 hours per week which was significantly more contact than she had before. <P>So don't feel you are alone, come back and let's talk....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>God give me strength.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You have more strength than you think. It took a great deal of fortitude and concern for your relationship for you to even come to this board. I admire your courage because there are a ton of other spouses who aren't brave enough to come here to talk and learn. I would be ever grateful if W would come here, but she wouldn't in a million years.<P>Come back and talk some more, I will watch for your posts.