Since I destroyed my original Plan B, I thought I would restart my thread so I could have a place to vent and chronicle my feelings and activities.

I am not officially in Plan B, but will be in T-minus 36 hours and counting. That will be when I hit the road for TX. I will be picking up my trailer and my dog and 2 cats from my WW's little love abode where she shares her bed every night with the OM. UGH.

She had a bit of a crisis today, with her water heater, and had I been in her life, she knows it would have been handled by now. Her OM is not handy in any way, and she may have to end up forking over $210.00 that she doesn't have to fix it. She was very emotional this evening on the phone. I guess she may be realizing what she could be losing.

We may be having a kind of fairwell lunch tomorrow. It is not set in stone as of yet, but most likely will happen. I will try not to LB, and be as nice to her as possible. I am no longer angry (at least for the moment), just very sad. I am worried about what my heart will be telling me once I get situated in TX. I am worried that I will want only to be rid of the past and move on....

I am sleeping in a hotel for the next two nights, and am going out with a friend of mine (yes, a female, but SO very platonic). We are going to a nightclub as a sort of send-off. I will be taking care of last-minute details - like maps, coolers, and sleeping arrangements tomorrow. It is almost the end of TM's California Adventure.

I am sorry to those left-coasters here, but I hate this place. Only because of the emotional pain associated with this city. Oh, and the traffic.

TM

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 01:04 AM: Message edited by: TravellinMan ]</small>

Good luck on your quest. I'm sure she's missing a good man. I got out of LA in 1997. Sometimes a tough place to live.

TM - I have always taken an interest in your posts. Although I don't think I have actually ever posted to you.
I really think that you have handled the whole situation quite well. Detached, but not that much. Eager and ready but subdued. I commend you on you behavior.
I live in the DFW area. Where are you from ? Althouh this past summer I bought a little house in the "country". South west of the metroplex.

Take care. I am quite confident that you will do just fine either way.

Car

TM,
I am hearing you on that SoCal living. I have friends that live out in the Inland Empire, and they would do almost anything to get back to Texas. I will say this, I live in SA, and the only place I would rather live is in Austin. I love Austin! Longhorn sports, great live music scene, beautiful women, friendly people, the hill country, Esther's Follies! So much to do there. It is like a very cool version of SoCal, without all the fakeness and b.s.. It wont be long after you are in Austin, that you will start counting your blessings instead of what is missing in your life. I am not saying that there wont be pain, but you are moving to one of the best cities in the world to help you through that pain. Also, be sure and go out to The Oasis on Lake Travis and catch the sunset from the patio. At the designated time, everyone starts counting down as the sun drops out of the sky. And then it is party time on the patio overlooking the lake and they generally have some great live music. Also, be sure and hit El Arroyo (The Ditch) for some great mexican food. Matt's El Rancho is real good as well. Try and get tickets for the taping of Austin City Limits. Be sure and visit the Bob Bullock State of Texas History Museum. Fascinating! While at the museum, go to the theatre for the showing of "The Story of Texas" (watch out for the rattlesnakes). Starting in April, be sure and head out to Round Rock to see the Round Rock Express (Astros AAA team). They play at Dell Diamond, which is a big league ballpark in amenities with just over 10,000 seats. The Express are owned by Nolan Ryan. I am sure I have missed some things.....oh yeah, the Longhorn football spring training game and fanfest is on April 2nd. You have lots to look forward to. Hang in there!

TM,

Travel well. It will be tough but you are doing the right thing. Crushed, you make me want to move back to Austin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I sure did enjoy living there.

TM, hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

TRAVELLIN..

I for one can NOT wait even a few more days for your plan B to begin....

you have done so well working through the pain as well as finding compassion...for her...
and it is a noble noble thing...

but the time is at hand for her to reap what she continues to sow ..
as if her pursuits entitle her to use people...

you will no longer be part of that chaos...

rest well...


just learning said....
Crushed, you make me want to move back to Austin. I sure did enjoy living there. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Oh good grief...it's like invasion of the bodysnatchers
now you want to go to TEXAS as well

be afraid.
be very afraid....

ARK

OK, I was going to hide a bit because I am embarrassed about the latest caving on my part. Yes I have a problem setting and maintaining boundaries. Thanks for asking.

I was going to wait until tomorrow to post, but since CNT "called me out" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess I will update everyone who is interested.

I went to spend most of the day with my WW on Saturday. We talked and went shopping (no I did not buy her anything) and went to dinner. We hugged and kissed many times and both teared up. She kept saing how the timing of this sitch was just too bad. We were both very forthright and honest in our talks, so the communication was very fog-free.

What we negotiated was this: Since I need to be in New York for a week on business, and then in Houston to see my sister who is flying in from where she lives overseas for a month, I could fly from LAX to NYC and then IAH, then back to LA. I would return on the 20th of April, the day my sister leaves for her home. By then, my WW would have to have the OM out of her house and out of her life - full personal NC. If this was unacceptable, then I would go to TX. We were kind of rushed toward the end of the evening, because the OM was due back at any minute, so I told her I would give her three days to think about it. I was going back to Big Bear to work more on my snowboarding. So I am here now, going to spend my last day snowboarding, and then either meet my WW tonight or talk on the phone (prefer the latter)and find out what she has decided. If she won't remove him from her life, then I will leave tomorrow.

Between now and the 20th, I told her that I would not interact with her at all. Since he will still be in her life, I will not. If I end up driving to Houston, she will be in an indefinite Plan B.

I know many of you (most of you?) are dissappointed in my pushing back of my boundaries. There are many reasons I don't want to leave California, not only just to be around my WW. The three major reasons are: 1) I am very afraid that once I get settled in TX, I will be done with the chaos and hurt that is my marriage right now, and will promptly file for divorce... 2) I own a Toyota (V6) truck with very high milage, and the trailer I bought is right at it's weight limit - so it is very hard, and somewhat dangerous, for me to pull to TX. I am not looking forward to that drive....and 3) My mother lives in Houston, and we have a strained relationship to say the least. She is the main reason for my personality and emotional issues. And she will be smothering me when I get there. She already has almost insisted I stay with her instead of the beach house that my friend has in Galveaston. Agreed, it will be much more convenient, and better than being entirely alone, but sometimes she still can be so very controlling.

So that's it. Tonight is D-Day (D-Night?). I will have my answer, and I will act accordingly. Right now, I am really not sure which way this will go.

I know my decision to put my potential departure off yet again will cause a lot of 2x4's to head my way, but after Saturday, I have a little more hope in the possibility of reconciliation.

Crushed -
Please don't feel bad or anything...it is probably better that I face the music - I truly appreciate your concern for me. Also, I was not going to head to Austin until this summer, becuase I wanted to buy a house, and I could get free rent in Houston or Galveston, and then drive to Austin to work with a realtor.


TM

TM,
as I am not what you would call an experienced MB'er, I am somewhat hesitant to get the 2x4 out. But I will say this, I think that the move to Austin is more about you than it is your relationship. I have spent considerable time in SoCal on business, and to me, the whole feel of that environment is very unreal. Unreal people that are disconnected from reality. Now, I am not saying that all are like that, it just seems to me that SoCal in general and the attitudes of people there are very different from what I have seen in the rest of the country. My view is that your move to Austin would be positive in that you would be more likely to get your feet firmly back on the ground. I believe from what I know of your sitch that this would enable you to make the wisest decisions possible in regards to your future and your relationship. Those are just my views, and I can certainly understand if you feel differently. God bless you in whatever decision you make.

what should i say...

saying you will have no contact and then giving a date...it's like giving blessings to contact...
the time is not this date or that date..

the time is at hand....

people aren't disappointed in you..
it's for you...that i am disappointed...

that somehow these repeatitive deadlines...either spoken to her...or made in your head with yourself.....never pan out...

and you keep going back to the alligator in the bathtub...and trying to pet it like it's a pussycat...
and it keeps biting you...

then you withdrawal lick your wounds and start the whole thing up again...

and what kills me is your wife's total disregard of her treatment of you...
and her self sanctimonious use of you and the OM too glutton her fill on....

I have a little more hope in the possibility of reconciliation.

I don't understand this..
your wafflewoman has always given you this..it's what you cling to and get strung along on....

your belief that if you move to texas you will immediately want a divorce is your golden parachute to keep you from doing anything...

there's no reality to that statement...if you wanted a divorce bad enough you would have done no matter the logistics....

I can't fathom you taking her back the way she is on the 20th..please tell me that's not the case...cause she's gonna keep toy boy in the house till the midnight the ninetheenth...who wouldn't...
well people who wouldn't would be those that know their actions are hurtful and painful on the first and the second the fifth of the month...and not just on the 20th....

oy veh
travelinnman...
I do think I do want to bonk you a couple times on your head with your snowboard....

ark

TM,
I don’t know about others but for my part, I do understand your reluctance to make things final. You want to believe and you keep hoping that she’s finally come to her senses. That she now understands what you know in your heart to be the truth; that you are the best thing that could ever happen in her life and that loosing you would be a tragic error. But TM, if you just re-read some of what you wrote in this post, it would become so clear to you that this woman is not for you.

~”She kept saying how the timing of this sitch was just too”~

Why bad? Bad for who? What has timing to do with it? What this is about is cheating not timing!

~”By then, my WW would have to have the OM out of her house and out of her life - full personal NC.”~

By then? Why not today? Why not right now? What’s going to happen over the next 2 weeks that will change anything?


~”Between now and the 20th, I told her that I would not interact with her at all. Since he will still be in her life, I will not. If I end up driving to Houston, she will be in an indefinite Plan B.”~

How very principled off you. LOL So what does the above statement mean? ~” Between now and the 20th, I told her that I would not interact with her….” That you will not speak with her,…unless she calls you?! LOL

And how about this one? This is the best of all!


~”We were kind of rushed toward the end of the evening, because the OM was due back at any minute,…”~


So what if he was coming home soon? Why would you care? Was it that she didn’t want the OM to know that she was cheating on him with her husband? LMAO! This is all to rich for my taste. Or maybe she didn’t want to hurt the OM feelings, LOL!

TM, if your best bud in the world sent you an EM like this, what would you say to him? Wouldn’t you go up side his head with a 2x4 until he woke up to what was happening?

But I’ve got to hand it to your WW. She is some piece of work! After reading this post I have to tell you TM, I’m firmly convinced that your goddess isn’t the one that's in any kind of fog. How could she be? You’re using it all up!

Sorry young brother, but you surely do need to wake up.
Coach

Hi, TM.

I mostly understand how you feel. When I was 19, I was a lot like your wife.

quote:
==============
We hugged and kissed many times and both teared up. She kept saing how the timing of this sitch was just too bad.
==============

I always kept all my women on a short leash. I would create drama where none existed, have painful, tearful departures. I have even pulled a coup once with two girls in the back seat of a car. I was kissing my old girlfriend, while my new one watched. The incredible thing is, that they actually put up with it.

That was thirty one years ago, and the memory of the way I was, still haunts me. Disgusting behavior, isn't it?

You, sir, are a pawn in a game. You are being used. One day soon, you are going to look in a mirror, and you are not going to like what you see - what you have become.

If you want to regain your self-respect, and even the slightest chance that you will not continue to be a pawn in someone else's game, then I implore you, GO DARK and get your butt to Texas.

I detest what your wife is doing to you, but you are sharing culpability because you are allowing it. Please stop it now, and forever more. No more games. You are worth more than this.

All the best,
Gimble

Yes, I knew there would be 2x4's....

But let me clear a couple of things up...


Coach -

You asked what one of my statements meant...
Even if she chooses to try to reconcile now, I have to be out of town from March 23rd to APRIL 20th - almost a month. I will allow her that time to uninvolve herself with the OM. She is still concerned with the possibility of retaliation, so "letting him down easy" might lessen that chance. During the period of time I am out of town, I will be in Plan B....even if she calls.

The reason we were rushed is not because of her, it was because of me. I have told her in not uncertain terms, me and the OM better NEVER meet. I will not be responsible for my actions if we do. Violence may not be THE answer, but it would be MY answer. Even if he were more physicallly capable than I (he is chubby though), it would feel great just getting in a few good licks. I would take a beating just to connect a couple of times with his jaw. So you see why we wanted to avoid meeting...


Crushed, Ark, and Gimble -

Thank you for posting to me. Believe it or not, I do listen to your advice. I just have a very thick skull, and many other emotional issues that keep me coming back for more abuse. I guess it may be a form of codependancy. I am doing the best I can with the emotional tools I have. Unfortunately, with all of the uncertainty in my life right now, I had to suspend my counseling sessions. I will resume them once I have determined what state my home base is to be in.

TM

TM:

NO 2 X 4's for you needed my friend. As Ark said, we are not dissapointed in you, just FOR you. I think you have been given very good advice time and time again here, yet time and time again you want to do things your way....and predictably you get the same results. That is fine. We understand your fears and hopes.

YOu bear 100% of the responsibility for your life and decisions and outcomes.

Goodluck man. I really hope you get "what you are hoping for" someday.

Peace <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

OK - progress has occurred.

I know you all will be skeptical, as am I, but here's the latest...

My WW and I met for lunch today as planned. After talking a bit, she told me that she is going to get rid of her BF (she now thinks of him as her roommate becuase they have agreed that they are going in opposite directions, and the relatioship will never work). She also is not ready for me to move in right after he is gone. She has some major exams coming up, and wants time to be alone. We were discussing different options, and both decided it was best that I return to TX. Until he is out of her life, she will be in Plan B, and once he is gone, and she has the time, we will enter MC as the 1st step in reconciliation.

She even surprised me today when she told me she was going to start IC on her own in the next two to three weeks. She tells me she has focused so much on her anger and pain, that it has allowed her to be blinded to all of the consequences of her decisions. I am happy she is starting to examine her past decisions and the consequenses thereof.

She stated flatly,"I know one thing: I want to be with you for the rest of my life." I do so want to believe her, but I am very cautious with what she says, I am looking for "fruit" as it were.

So I am unloading my trailer into a storage place, loading some essentials into my truck, and going to hit the road Sunday (I know, I know, y'all have heard this all before). I think this time, though, I feel good about the plan, and the potential for my future.

I will be here off snd on over the next few days, so I will try to respond as much as I can....


TM

TM,

Yup, I am skeptical. I have a question. Why leave anything there? Why not move it ALL back to TX. You don't want to come back out there and she will be overseas for part of the time.

I could go over your post and punch holes in a lot of things she is "saying". But, there is no purpose as you don't care. But, I will offer you this piece of advice, MOVE ALL OF YOUR STUFF TO TX, and don't believe a things she says, ONLY ACTIONS will count and you will NOT have any idea if she is taking any.

You will know when she is lying when she moves her lips. As yet all she has done is have her cake and eat it too, and I suspect all you have heard is to make sure her insurance policy (YOU) is still in place IN CASE OM doesn't file for divorce and take her.

Move it all and watch her ACTIONS. That is my advice.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If ANYTHING she is saying is true, you moving everything sends a very strong message to her that you are in fact done if she continues.

JL -

Thanks for the post. You mentioned the OM's divorce. He acually filed on her today. My WW told me that he has recently thanked her for being a catalyst (my word, not his) in getting him away from his wife. He is such a wimp (not the word I would like to use) that he wouldn't have left her without some outside influence. He is such a weak, weak person - I wouldn't even call him a man.

Why not take it all with me? Logistics. I can get my junk if I want to later, but if I pull that heavy trailer with my old truck, it may not even make it. If we reconcile, we will be taking a big moving truck back to TX and all my stuff will fit on it. Plus we actually own three vehicles, so we can take the other two back when we move.

I will be watching much and listening little. Actions, not words....

TM

now tell the part..where you said thankyou for the words...

smiled at her..
handed the plan B letter..

got up and left...
and stuck her with the bill...

that is what you did next...?

her words are empty
she still is just using all those that stay in her perimeter and allow themselves to be used....

millions of people figure out how to study for exams... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> while still being accountable and compassionate to others...

but not your wife...
now she needs "alone time"...

next she will 'time' to find a counselor..
next she will say it's over I chose you didn't I you should be happy...lets not talk about the affair ever again...

where
where
are YOUR boundaries....

why are YOU so addicted to her chaos

ark

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

and don't forget the part where she will find compassion for OM going through a divorce...


it's a little rough for him right now and I hate to just abandon him speach...

you know that one....?
cause that will be coming as well

ark

Ark -

Thanks for the post. I hope you are incorrect about the compassion for the OM. Once I leave I will be in Plan B, so she understands that until NC is established with the OM, I will be in NC with her....his D notwithstanding.

I am so torn about leaving, but feel it will be the right thing in the long run. My only concern is how we can possibly begin the reconcilliation process from so far apart....and that maybe the distance will keep the process from ever starting.....

TM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> Ark -

Thanks for the post. I hope you are incorrect about the compassion for the OM. Once I leave I will be in Plan B, so she understands that until NC is established with the OM, I will be in NC with her....his D notwithstanding.

I am so torn about leaving, but feel it will be the right thing in the long run. My only concern is how we can possibly begin the reconcilliation process from so far apart....and that maybe the distance will keep the process from ever starting.....

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TM, another thing that you have to consider is the fact that the OM has filed for divorce. WS' have a tendency to look at this action as stregthening their conviction to leave, as prior they were hesitant to leave the security of their spouse for one who is still involved and thus not completely "available". Take this from experience.

And, yes, she will feel compassion for the OM during his time of "crisis", as ridiculous as this seems, but as all can attest, the OP does nothing wrong, they are simply "victims" in the game of marriage.