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TM: Do you really think that by you "staying" and playing the WS games that you continue to save your "marriage" hopes? I know that you don't need any advice anymore, you are clearly gonna do "what you think is best", but just do one thing. Read these stories, in particular what happens when BS "try" and do what you are doing. IT NEVER WORKS...NEVER. Ark is so right when she says that the "compasssion" excuse for the OM is coming up. That is exactly what is going to happen. I actually have a hard time reading your posts b/c this is literally like watching a car accident happen in slow motion while standing on the side of the road. I so understand your fears about "being alone" and what will happen if you leave to Texas, but I think (and history) supports me, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IS GOING TO HAPPEN. You may get your marriage and WS back, BUT it will NOT be because you stayed in CA "negotiating" NC with your wife. You keep hanging around CA, slowly moving your boundaries to accomodate your WS, swallowing any kernel of self dignity you have left...and what has this gotten you? Peace ! LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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I think 2x4's are brought to bear the most when the poster is in a position that many BS' envy. We would like to change places with them and do what we know needs to be done, instead of sit back and watch it go down in flames.
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LM and micro... Thanks for the posts... I must not have been clear - I am leaving for TX on Sunday. I have loaded all m stuff into storage for the time being, and am going to sell the trailer ASAP. Whether or not my WW and I reconcile, she will be moving to TX come July. We will share a truck either way is my guess...my poor old truck won't make it pulling a trailer, and I don't have the $ to pay for my own truck really.... I am going to stay either at a buddies beachhouse or with my mother for a few months, so I can save up some money to make a good downpayment on a house in Austin... I definitely am leaving. This time I mean it.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> TM
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Man was my WW a selfish b!tch to me tonight. I had finished unloading the trailer, and wanted to either park it in her driveway, or leave it in the street attached to my truck (if you park an unattached trailer in the street, you get tickets...I got three already), and use my WW's extra car for the night. She wouldn't do either....it was too much trouble for her. THEN, I had to pick up a couple of extra things and drop the dog off, and asked her to tell the OM to leave for like 20 minutes so there would be no chance of us meeting.....and she told me he didn't want to, so I could just get the stuff from the garage and he would stay inside. OMG! I wanted to be finished moving stuff tonight, so I fought with her and then, of course, gave in. I went and picked the stuff up with him no more than 30 yards away from me!!! I almosted hoped he would come out, and we could settle this like men....but no such luck. I toold my WW what a selfish person she was....we had a very LB'ing evening all in all.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> TM
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I don't understand when your plan B starts have you given the letter? Is your plan now to wait until JUNE to plan B?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> does she have the letter? and exactly what is it you are waiting for... sorry but I am confused... ark
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Ark -
Plan B starts the moment I leave town - Tomorrow morning....yes, I gave her the PBL a while ago, but broke Plan B stupidly enough....had I not, this whole mess would have probably been over, and the OM gone....
TM
<small>[ March 19, 2005, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: TravellinMan ]</small>
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TM,
Your last post about how selfish your WW behaved would be funny if it weren’t so tragic. If you would just stand back from this mess long enough to give yourself a little perspective then you would hear the “obvious,†screaming at you so loud that you couldn’t help but hear it!
So you caught your WW in a stressful moment during which she had neither the time, patience nor inclination to play her “I really, really love you†role. What she did at that point was give you a clear close-up of who she is. She reverted to kind. This display of attitude was not an anomaly. This is who the woman really is!
TM if you want to know who a person is, you look at how they act and what they do….Not what they say! On the streets of NYC we have an expression. “Talk the talk, walk the walk.â€
One last uninvited answer to what might have been a rhetorical question. You wrote:
~â€My only concern is how we can possibly begin the reconciliation process from so far apart....and that maybe the distance will keep the process from ever starting.....â€~
This is a real easy one to answer. Reconciliation will happen, *No make that CAN ONLY happen* when your WW comes to you, I repeat, *comes to you* with “clean hands†asking for the opportunity to make it happen. You can’t make her do anything until she wants to do it, no matter where you happen to be living, Houston or across the street.
Good luck and PLEASE, do yourself the huge favor of being on the road soon.
Coach.
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I agree with all the other's assessments and advice given already.
I also have a probably not very MB wish for you.
You are a young, very attractive man, with a lot going for you, a lot to offer. A man that would help make a very nice, hopefully much less selfish, woman, preferably your age or younger, a very good mate.
I think it would be great for you to have a fresh start on a new future by moving on.
If your wife, who is bearly recognizable as your/a wife, comes out of this A and 'comes to you'...then maybe you can consider reconciliation.
But that isn't my wish for you. Sorry. I see something much better for your future. A loving, less selfish, beautiful wife who would make a great mate and mom to your future kids.
You need to remove yourself from the chaos that has become your marriage and life in CA.
Happy trails to you. You seem to be such a sweetheart. Use what you've learned here to help any future relationships.
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travellin... did you give her the plan B letter .. and is it clear to her that you are engaging in nocontact with her... if you haven't you should.....leave it in her mailbox...on her car...somewhere she alone will get it... if you have and your wife is well aware that she will not have access to you...her behavior though cruel is expected... her escalation of attention seeking and emotion..her last stab at control... know that we all need to terminate relationships in our lives...and I am not talking just about serious intimate ones...but even normal terminations we go through with those in our lives.... our ability and need to terminate these relationships is often a 'sign' even of our own healthy mental state... having worked inpatient psychiatric units...(and I said WORKED!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) the termination of a inpatient to an outpatient was watched and studied and even prepared for... people with bi-polar and manic-depressive disorders often had a difficult time terminating their relationships with the staff on the units... not saying your wife is these things...just an example of the correlation of terminating and health and some of it played out just like we expected...you could almost bet money on patients that had worked really hard on their health...and watch them terminate with people they had come to care about deeply in a negative manner... some patients HAD to leave angry... couldn't say goodbye couldn't say thankyou.... think of the sadness we all have experienced when a co-worker leaves abruptly or even when they leave at a time you weren't present..and you feel that loss of just wanting to say goodbye to them one last time... our ability to say goodbye to people is an important skill... your wife is terminating exactly how one would expect someone who is in such chaos and turmoil... angrily... pity for her ... it will be one more aspect of her own behavior she has to own... I pray she will.... and i always hold on to hope... blessing to you ARK <small>[ March 19, 2005, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>
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To all -
I loaded up today, my stuff, 1 of the dogs and the 2 cats, and am on the road.....finally.
I will check back as much as I can while on the road.....
TM
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Safe journey TM - god bless. Make this an adventure to healing yourself and freeing yourslef of sorrow.
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Status report -
In Tucson, AZ - checking email from a Kinko's copies...
A few more hours, and I am going to quit driving until tomorrow....
TM
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Wow Az - how are you doing ? How is the weather ? Hope you are taking good care of yourself. Take care driving and sleep well.
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realtor* - I am doing just fine, other than fatigued. The animals travel very well, considering how many times they have moved around the country, gone home with us for Christmas, etc. I am just getting settled in my KOA Kamping Kabin (tm) in New Mexico. I am just shy of half way. I am going to crash for 8-10 hours, and then get up whenever I am rested, and push all the way to Houston. No need to spend any more time on the road than necessary. I have spent much of the drive with no music or any audiobooks playing. Just ruminating over the past nine months. Being in this KOA Kamping Kabin (tm) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> has brought me back to the journey out to LA back in July, and how excited we were about our future. We stayed at KOA's the whole way out to LA. I dunno if it is just exhaustion or legitimate emotion, but I am very sad to have to be making the return trip with 1/2 the animals and none of the wife... There is some good news to look forward to, though. My sister is flying in tomorrow night from the middle east - where she lives. I am very close to her, although we only get to see each other face-to-face about every 1-2 years. She will be spending a whole month in TX! I also found a resonably priced motorcycle for sale - something I have wanted since I was 16, but never bought due to the worry it would have caused my wife. I am seriously considering buying it when I get back from New York. Well that's about it, I will keep all those interested in the plight of TravellinMan updated as I am able to... TM
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I left out a few details about last night, when I picked up the "kids" and said my last goodbyes.
We talked for at least three hours, and it was a very honest, open discussion. I tried to not LB, but still express to her my true feelings about how much I feel taken for granted. The talk was a good one.
When we hugged at the last, my WW, for the first time since all this cr@p began, sincerely apologized.....apologized for making bad decisions and inflicting this whole mess on the two of us. She actually took full responsibility for the A, no more justification.
I was impressed. Maybe we just might survive this after all.
I am not getting my hopes up (I am a pessimist by nature), but this was a major step in the right direction.
I know it sounds cliche', but.....Time will tell....
TM
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Hi, TM.
It sounds to me like she told you what you wanted to hear. I think she did it in an effort to placate you for a period of time while she continues doing exactly what she has been doing.
I believe that time is the great revelator, but in your case, I think that action will tell you all you need to know, and it won't take long at all.
I really hope that she had some sort of epiphany, for your sake, but I won't believe it until you see it.
All the best,
Gimble
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TM,
I am guessing that you are traveling IH-10 and will be passing through San Antonio. If you want to stop and have a meal or some coffee let me know. You can send me an email at jlong0419@sprintpcs.com . I would be happy to show you some Texas hospitality and welcome you back to the great state!
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TM, Welcome back. I hope your trip was safe. If you are around Dallas let me know.
TMW
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So glad you are so close - it must be a weary drive no music ect. Sometimes tho silence is best -helps clear the mind. I find myself driving since D-Day without music. I also like to sit in the dark. Helps ease my mind. I am having a bad day today so I will say no more. I hae been following your thread and wish the happeist future and many blessings for you. Enjoy your sister.
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Wow. What a long drive. Well, I finally made it to Houston at about 7pm tonight. I made pretty good time, all things considered.
I unpacked and repacked my clothes, met my sister at the airport, checked email, ate, and am heading to bed for a short 6-hour sleep.....then off to NYC tomorrow morning. I am cutting this way too close...
I don't know what to feel right now. I feel like I shouldn't be here without my W. It just doesn't feel right to come home from our 5 year jorney alone. How very sad.
Gimble - I hope you are wrong about my WW...but as you said, her actions will show me everything I need to know.
Crushed - Thanks for the invite, but I just now checked the boards since m last post, and I was in a bit of a rush anyway so I could go w/my mom to meet my sister at the airport.
TMW - Thanks for the warm welcome...I have no plans as of yet, but if I head up your way, I will let you know.
realtor* - I hope you are feeling better by the time you get to read this. Thank you for the kind wishes. I wish I could be more help to you and others here, but I don't thiink I would be very good for advice right now....too much turmoil. Thanks for the wishes and thoughts....
TM
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