I don't understand her. I told her she would have to tell me everything. She said last night "I don't think we should talk about this and I don't think the MC would want use to."

At the time all I could come up with was " If I cant trust you about the past then how can I trust you about the future". I don't want and won't have a marriage filled with secrets. Anyone have any idea's on how to get her to open up?

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 04:58 AM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>

RHM, I am considering a hunting knife to get Squid to open up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dunno mate. Time and tenderness worked for RIF and many others.

Frustrating as it sounds, that may be the best way.

Yea, they're tough cookies to crack.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RHM:
<strong> I told her she would have to tell me everything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok... I can understand your feelings and your desire for her to be totally honest with you.

One of the things that I learned during my Kosovo deployment (Mrs. RIF and I were still working through some of our issues and we had to put our MC on hold...) was that it's just about impossible to work through all of the rebuilding issues while we were separated. I asked our MC before I left if he thought it was OK for us to put everything on hold, and he said that it would probably be best and that we could pick back up with our MC when I returned.

Part of the problem with trying to work on this while you're separated, is that it's so easy to miss-read intentions over the IM or e-mail... and even during phone conversations. I tried to keep all of our conversations light and cheerful w/o delving too deeply into the buring relationship questions that I had... I wasn't too successful at first, but after having to eat my words on several flaming e-mails that I sent Mrs. RIF, I soon learned that our MC was right.

I think that as long as you guys are apart, that you might want to try keeping the relationship/rebuilding discussions to a minimum. Statements like your's above, will only tend to increase the defensiveness from your W.

Hope this helps... Semper Fi,
RIF

I think that as long as you guys are apart, that you might want to try keeping the relationship/rebuilding discussions to a minimum. Statements like your's above, will only tend to increase the defensiveness from your W. RHM, I think RIF just gave you the best advice anyone could. Work on building the excitement of your return home right now and save the truth sessions for in person MC sessions. You don't want either of you to be hurt and misunderstood while so far away. {{RHM}}

Working on it but for some reason(I want to fix this) I always lead us there. Ok so I'm a guy and if somethings broke I want to fix it. Doing my best to let it go for the time being. Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RHM:
<strong> Working on it but for some reason(I want to fix this) I always lead us there. Ok so I'm a guy and if somethings broke I want to fix it. Doing my best to let it go for the time being. Thanks! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Morning RHM - Hey, I just wanted to add something... you can (and should) keep working on yourself.

Now when you work on yourself, your ONLY reason for doing so is to make yourself a better person... NOT to get your W to do something just because you've changed... In other words, as you make changes in yourself, don't tell your W that you've changed -X- so now she should change -Y-... this isn't tit-for-tat... this is about you making changes in yourself that will benefit your M.

Your W WILL notice the changes that you make... when she does, you can play it cool and say something like, thanks, I've been working on that... then let it go.

Remember, you can't make your W do anything, but you can make changes for yourself... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

RHM

Know what you mean. Took a while for AW to tell me and its really not any easier EXCEPT I only imagine what I was told now not what my mind twisted with hurt and pain put in my head.
That at least limits the pain in a way for me.

Dont try to do too much while you are away it will drive you crazy amd also apart I think. At least I was finding that. RIF gave me good advice to 'just let it go for now' ...it was backed up by our MC & IC as well later.

Ask if you want but perhaps as more a request for her to think on and discuss with MC/IC. The bottom line is this.... you get the info or you dont & then you decide what you do from there. I ended up telling AW it was a deal breaker for me, whereas her thoughts were that it would 'kill' me to hear the details and drive us apart. Well I guess thats a risk true but what is worse? for me it was my wild imagination.

her info has been consistant (even when I've asked her after waking her up middle of the night) and I tend to believe 99% of it, still think she hides little things but not for her but thinks it would hurt me more. I'm afraid I dont believe she did not tell the OM she loved him etc etc.

So when the info comes as I hope it does think about it and ask some open questions to draw her out. I'm pretty sure her hesitation is based in fear that once you hear it all you will shoot through. And lets face it, I couldn't give that guarantee then, frankly if not fo the bubs I'm not sure I'd be able to give it now, not yet.
I suppose I'm saying its about giving her a safe place to let you know this, maybe she's just not ready.

Just be aware that being away from home and not having the means to discuss a lot of this you will find you are still stuck in the sea of resentment, hurt & pain while your W being able to take advantage of the MC or IC can move on, creates a gulf between you so be aware of it.

AW is alot further on while I'm still in that sea and sometimes feel like I'm sinking as its happened twice now - the deployments & MC/IC ceasing. I dont bother to go to either much now as feels pretty useless while all this is going on.

If you can talk in the day & night then do it. During my deployment we have no contact obviously so its crappy when something pops into your head and you cant talk about it.

All the best nmate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sure she doesn't plan on telling me anything I don't bring up that I already know. She has developed alztimers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I got to go. Hope your team don't get picked. I remember the feeling of wanting both, to go and to stay at the same time. Thanks!