That is my question of the day!! For me d-day happened not even 3 months ago, but I am already sick of comparing myself to the OW. Then don't....right? Easier said than done. I compare almost every touch, feeling, conversation, and activity we share to what he felt with her. Even during S, I think did he touch her like this.
Last night we went on a short date, and he made a comment about it being "fun". It was sarcastic! And he has told me that he liked being with her b/c they had fun, so I feel like I don't measure up. I am constanly wondering if I am becoming the good communicator he said that she was, and that if he looks at me and wishes my body looked like her perfect one.
I feel like I need to change my whole personality in order to compare to her. That she must have been something really special for him to have risked his whole life for her.
This is a constant annoyance. I have been trying to push these things from my mind, and not ask all the stupid comparison questions, but it seems to be stuck there!
I guess I just needed to vent, but if there is any advice for me out there, please share!

I'm sorry I haven't any advice for you. But if it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. I could have written that myself.

I know what you are going through. I feel the same way. I do not know what she looks like and being told two different stories. I have lost a tremedous load of weight and find it hard to eat much. Afraid I will gain an ounce. I want to change so much of myself. I am even trying crossword puzzles which I hate and have a impossilbe time doing. I think they had that incommon. All I do is my best with what I have and try to look my best eveyday. I dress very nicely and think of me first now. Have you seen OW ? As far as being fun - just be your old self and try to be interesting and just listen to him and talk about your day. If something funny happens during your day talk about that. Of course you have to remember that when the newness wears off even with OW he would again feel she was no longer interesting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I need to change my whole personality in order to compare to her. That she must have been something really special for him to have risked his whole life for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think we all go through that. At less than 3 months past Dday, don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Nobody likes to hear it but - time and patience with yourself is the answer. If you feel the need to change, then change to be the best YOU you can be - don't try to become like OP. They are not nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The more I found out about OW, the more I didn't want to compare myself. I would never want to be her -- and she could NEVER be me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I did tell Wh -that I was not like OW - because I would never deice him and lie... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> -should have seen his face on that one.

In order for me to change myself to be just like OW I'd have had to:

erase my education all the way back to the 10th grade
be having my 9th affair
be willing to disrespect any marriage
ask my children to lie to their father for me
mistake sex for love


~~~~~~~~

Stop it ladies.

Be your own wonderful selves.

The OP is an OP because of a flaw, a defect .... not because of some perfection!

Pep

Guess we all do the same. It is amazing how human beings seem so different but in the end we are all basically the same. We can compare to OP in many different levels. Ever since I met my wife I compared myself to her XBF, he is a sex machine, something I'm not. I'm pretty sure she had more and better sex with him than she did with me in the 5+ years we being together. To make matters worse she choose him to have an A. After years of NC with him they got together and it was like they never stoped dating, I think they had Sf the first time they met even if she denies it. But I made the decision not to let this affect me anymore, obviously it is not that easy to take it into practice. So I tell myself that it is all right not to be the best sex she is ever had, there is no way I'm going to be. I also try to see the things I'm better at, I'm smarter, I can read and write, I love her and respect her like he never did, I don't go around screwing married women, in other words I'm a good person and he is not. I can make her happy and secure, he can't. I'm all hers, he is not. I don't need to be the best at everything or even anything, I just have to make sure she loves me and noone else. Still the insecurity is in me just like in you and every other BS out there.

Figured I'd chime in here since this has been the issue of the week for me, too.

I certainly don't want to be OW. Not because I'm a more moral person or a smarter person or a better cook or whatever. I'd rather be "me" because if I'm so busy trying to be someone else, who is filling the role of the person that was intentionally placed on this earth to be the person that only I can be?

My problem is comparisons when it comes to the needs OW met for WH. Let's pick SF, since that's the one that's been bothering me lately.

SF was always a struggle for us; I had my own psychological hangups that I brought into the marriage and, coupled with feeling constantly stressed (again, my own issues because I wrested mental responsibility for the entire wellbeing of the household from my husband) and some physical issues that cropped up after childbirth, SF wasn't very high on my priority list.

I knew the situation required some addressing and asked that we work on it by first identifying some of the underlying issues, either by ourselves or by going to see a therapist. WH's response was to emotionally check out and go get his SF elsewhere <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Be that as it may.

Now that recovery is on the table, how do I disentangle the unmet need as it existed pre-A (the legitimate one that I wanted to meet and requested help to do so) from the mind-piercing-white-hot-anxiety-producing-nightmares of the two of them having SF?

I was self-conscious and anxious about it before. Now I can't even fathom getting emotionally close enough to think about SF, much less opening myself up to trying to make positive changes when the fear is that the request for positive changes is simply to make me more like the OW.

Want to be like OW? Nope. Bone-weary of the spectre of OW accompanying me whenever we are together and feeling as though I was judged and found wanting? Yes.

Gris

Pep is exactly right. I am the most insecure MB er in the world, but even I don't compare myself anymore with OM other than to inflate my ego.

I destroy him in comparison of ANYTHING that matters. He lied to get next to my Squid briefly, while my natural self kept her next to me for 22 years. AND she left his life to come back to mine.

He is nothing. Just a bad smell from the past.

OP doesn't have to be really special just meet different ENs to the ones you meet for a while.

(Sorry, clearly feeling verbose today.)

With all due respect, Bob and Pep (and the respect that is due is immense), I struggle with the "don't compare yourself to the OP but if you need to do so for an ego boost, know that you are better in every way" argument.

I see that a lot on here. The question is "why does WS like OP better than me?" and the answer is often a variant on the theme "don't worry, you ARE indeed a better person regardless of what WS's fogbound psyche says."

Is it any wonder that BS's feel inferior when they are consistently invited to compare themselves? Even if the end result is that BS's feel an ego boost (because they are _____ while OP is not), doesn't the very exercise encourage comparison? And if comparison is encouraged, then there is going to be some point on which OP excels.

Which begins the downward spiral into inferiority yet again.

My humble $.02.

Gris

the question: how long did i compare myself to the op????

answer: never---she wasnt good enough to be in my league!!!!

she was a ME wannabe!!!

Yep Pepper & Nikko ahhha!!

I wallowed in that for a little while what is it about me that isn't like her....mmmmmm....everything.

No I am not perfect.

I am me. I am happy to be me.

Little hower is a wanna be me.
Yes I know factually based I have witnessed: -
Original jealousy of my husband & I.
She wanted my life.
She imitated me - still trys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> sad sooo sad.

So comparatively speaking.....mmmmm.....is there anything that I want to do like her or that my hubby wants me to do like her..... don't think so,

I'd have to become devious & manipulative - not in my nature
I'd have to be comfortable f'ing 3 or 4 guys at a time...... nope I get my kicks from healthier options.
I'd have to live to drink, to spend money on myself, just fk my husband & treat him like sh1t, & my kids.....mmmmm...don't know how I'd arrive at such a low point.
I'd have to use men as status symbols, either looks or earners ....... I sometimes wished I could be so shallow it might have helped me detach but NO couldn't do it, that would hurt me too much.
I'd have to degrade myself publicly at every opportunity to validate my sexual prowness.....mmmm....Ktulu is a sexual animal in private & only my husband will ever know that, I don't need or want come ons for other guys.
I would have to encourage my daughter to act hooker like & convince her it was ok for old men to leer at her...... Geeze...I'm off to puke....nothing could ever get me there.

Facts I AM ME. Noone & Nothing can ever be Compared to me.
It's a major head trip.
It ain't my problem.
I did nothing wrong.
Believe in yourself.
In moments of insecurity the light from my [censored] shines brighter than any intelligent thought the op every has.
Even my farts smell nicer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Check it out.
It's the wonderful me.

Strong Ktulu, edited to add giddy on Saturday, hi on chocolate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Ktulu ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by griselda:

My problem is comparisons when it comes to the needs OW met for WH. Let's pick SF, since that's the one that's been bothering me lately.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Gris,

This is one thing I have learned....

the SF that WH desires in the affair is not SF with a more beautiful woman, a better body ....this is not the attraction to the OP, generally.

The SF that is desired is SF with a very enthusastic partner.

Men want an enthusiastic woman in their bed, mostly irregardless of what she looks like.

Enthusiasm is the quality that attracts most men.

Comments?

Pep

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I agree whole-heartedly with Pep.

I find enthusiasm attracts me more than anything else in all activities.

It's the enthusiasm. That's what newness can bring into the bedroom.

It's like when you go on vacation. The planning, the fantasizing about it, talking about it, dreaming about it...this always seems to bring more pleasure than the actual vacation ever does.

It's the dance, always the dance.

Enthusiasm is a sure turn-on for men and women alike. It makes you feel special, beautiful like the most desirable person on the planet when your SO is enthusiastic about being with YOU in the sack.

Comparisons poisoned my mind for a while,

Physical attributes were not an issue. The OM is balding, 160 lbs. soaking wet and generally "runtish" relative to me.

But he is a physician, a rotary/fixed wing pilot, and owns his own airplane. I will never achieve that and for a while I felt "less" in some regards.

I do know, however, that he also is something I am not. A manipulative liar and a home wrecker who cheated on his family as well. WW knows I am likely the most honest man she'll ever meet and is aware of the strength of my principals. I also am aware a man cannot be measured by his education, job or bank account. As a result, I now am quite at peace and genuinely feel that the OM is not good enough to carry my underwear to the wash.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men want an enthusiastic woman in their bed, mostly irregardless of what she looks like.

Enthusiasm is the quality that attracts most men.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Looks matter but on a very early stage in the end it is all about the attitude. "In the dark all cats are black". Still there is more to SF in an A than looks and willingnes, you also have the danger, the secrecy and, why not, they only get to see each other for very short periods of time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>The SF that is desired is SF with a very enthusastic partner.

Men want an enthusiastic woman in their bed, mostly irregardless of what she looks like.

Enthusiasm is the quality that attracts most men.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep.

The simple truth is that men, while they will be very slow (if ever) in admitting it, simply want to be wanted.

Since most men are action oriented, that expression of being wanted, is best received by the man, as action - in this case, enthusiasm.

The other person is simply, most of the time by accident in that it is a default behavior of the newly 'chemically addicted', meeting the emotional needs of the man. In Chapman's terms, she (unknowingly) "spoke his love language".

Gimble

Dear Pep and Weaver,

I agree wholeheartedly that the enthusiasm is the key. And I suspect that part of the "power" of affair SF is that the newness, the secrecy, and the absence of "real life" responsibilities allow for an enthusiasm that the marriage has a tough time fostering.

My personal issue is that I recognized my own lack of enthusiasm as a problem even before the A. I correctly identified that there were areas that I needed to work on.

But I also needed help from my WH to meet my ENs that were going unmet (and were directly related to my lack of enthusiasm). I asked for that help.

What the affair "told" me is that I wasn't worth putting that kind of effort into. That I was on my own to figure out a way to meet his need (the kind of enthusiastic SF he eventually got in A) and that the hard work of meeting my needs for affection, conversation, domestic support etc. was only worth doing if I met his first. (Chicken and egg)

So that's where the comparison problem comes in. I cannot tell myself "I rock, OW sucks" because in this area, she was indeed able to meet a need I could not. It does not help me to tell me not to compare or to tell me to consider myself superior in every way because it leads to me saying, "I was perfect before the A and therefore I have nothing I need to change post-A."

What this means for me, though, is that it is difficult to even conceive of ratcheting up the enthusiasm level because it seems to be a response only to the A and the fact that I now know that if I am lacking in this area (which is made very clear by the very existence of OW and the resultant comparisons), then WH will choose to have his needs met elsewhere.

I hope this makes sense. And I hope this isn't getting off topic - am glad to start a new topic if anyone is still interested in this.

Gris

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The SF that is desired is SF with a very enthusastic partner.

Men want an enthusiastic woman in their bed, mostly irregardless of what she looks like.

Enthusiasm is the quality that attracts most men.

Comments?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Comments? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Amen!

Nuff said <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Griselda,

It's great to be enthusiastic about SF and I think many of us do this naturally or try to get "in the mood" even if we may not be.But remember,A's are built upon fantasy and secrecy,not reality.It is easy for these WS's and OP to get caught up in the newness of the A and be whisked away on that potion because they have not been togehter for years,have not had children together,illenss to contend with,children to care for,bills to pay,you know the drill.OIf course it's "better" in their minds, we have all been through that before too when we first date,or most of us have.Even my WH and I went through it.We were INSEPARABLE.SO much love poured out from our hearts to each other.I reminded my WH of that by showing him all the beautiful love letters he sent me in our early years,when it was just us.

It takes work to be entuhusiastic sometimes while we have so many responsibilities.There is just no comparison to what real life as a married couple is to a sleazy A.If it's not enough for you to just say,"Yeah,I am better than the OW,I DO rock" becasue you are not involved with a MM then at least tell yourself that you do not have a fair and balanced siutation and that right there should give you the confidence to know that it's not YOU that is the problem.WS's want the escape,fantasy and excitement that A's bring and it's why so many FAIL that we know this phenomenon is fleeting.

I hear unnecessary self blame in your posts that I don't think should be there.

** As with any issue in marriage,EN or whatever,your WH had a CHOICE,to either work on this in the marriage or leave/divorce if he was not "happy". It's a decision Gris.Example,If SF is so important to a man and he fails to address it appropriately in the marriage or the issue does not get resolved,the question THEN is,does he want to stay in the marriage and be with you or is the SF need greater than his love for you and being married? Is his SF need greater than being married to you so he needs to leave? Look at Christopher Reeve and his lovely wife.Look at some of the needs she may have gone without(and him too of course) but their LOVE was more important and they hung on together for years until his unfortunate death.

You may not have been a dynamo in the sack but there are appropriate ways to deal with issues and there are very inappropriate and hurtful ways to deal with them.There's nothing wrong with admitting that your WH may have had needs that you were unaware of or didn't meet as he would have wanted but you cannot blame yourself for his choices.Going back now and saying I could have done better is hindsight and if your WH was anything like mine,he never told me a THING that anything was wrong or that he wanted anything different.I am NOT a mind reader.

Going out to cheat is *NEVER* the answer and by God I am going to keep telling people this until the day I die.

O