Thanks for the replies, I knew, unfortunately, I would not be alone.
Yes, I have said to myself, that I shouldn't try to be like the OW, because she did an awful thing and who would want to be like that. However, when the person who is your whole world decides that you are not theirs, you want some answers, so you naturally turn to that person who made your spouse H look elsewhere. Plus, it is easy to say that the OP is this awful person, who is a slime bag, and yes, the OW in my sitch did some horrific things, but remember your S is an OP also. In most cases, I don't think many of us who are here would say that our S are awful slimey people. We would just say that they made a mistake(a huge one, yes, but a mistake). This is where I am trying to get with the OW in my sitch. Although I would like to demonize her forever, I know that ANY of us can fall!
Also, even though I DO compare myself constantly, part of me realizes I cannot be the things the OW was b/c part of the attraction was the conversations they had. I have known my H half of my life, so he knows everything there is to know about me, and they were just getting to know each other. This is was bothers me most, not that she took over my place in his bed, but as his best friend. I ache everytime I think that he told her things that should have only been left for me, regardless if he had sex with her or not.
Plus, conversation is always better in the beginning.
I can never look anything like her, b/c even if I was to loose 60 lbs, she was a VERY petite woman, and I just have a bigger frame, so the physical part isn't as big of deal to me.

Thanks again for all of the replies, and I hope that I too, can some day not worry if I measure up.

Okay listen up -

Your WS's OP can never, never, ever be what you already are to them.

You are their wives, husbands and in a lot of your cases the mother/father to their children.

NOOOOOOO OP can ever compete with that.

And it's not about the OP anyway, it's about your spouse. There was something lacking in THEM that made them vulnerable to an affair. There might have been something lacking in your marriage where in a weak moment they let the stranger in, but that is secondary.

When we are with a fantasy person it is STILL all about the way WE FEEL when we are with that person, it has very little to do that person. It is all about us.

You cannot compare yourselves to the OP, because it is not comparable. It has NOTHING to do with reality. And deep down in their hearts the WS knows this. I would bet 9 times out of 10 their hearts still reside with you. In the other very rare cases it might be an exit affair, but then they would already be gone. They are caught up in a momentary fantasy designed to take them away from THEMSELVES instead of the doing the work to fix themselves and their marriages instead.

The key is to make your home and self a safe haven where they can find there way back to. Ark's lighthouse. This is Plan A.

If plan A fails then Plan B is designed to shock them back into reality.

Most every person I have ever known (or read on this board) who has had an affair says the OP did not even come close to measuring up to their spouse.

Truetoself, frozen, Realtor, Gris & anyone else still in the blender of comparison. It gets better, you won't always compare. It took me about 8 months to not have to force the OW out of my head when we were making love. But with practice, it will stop.

How long did I compare myself to OW?

About 6 months or so. Couldn't help myself. It seemed to become a bit of a bad habit by then like smoking or overeating.

How did I stop it?

I forced myself to stop it at first. I would start the comparison in my mind (the habit) and I would have to say STOP. Sometimes saying it more than once to kick her out of my head space.

How long did that take?

A few months of practice. But it got easier and easier as time went on.

Do I still compare myself?

Not very often anymore and when I do I am usually unusually stressed or hormonal.

And besides, if the OW was all that and a six pack would he have been here going through my hell this last year or so. No.

And the OW in our case was a decent person. She was a grad student, volunteered for children's reading program, worked with deaf children and was a BS herself. She didn't know he was actively married (like that term?, I think it was the one RWH used) when it started. She thought he was divorcing, cuz that's what he told me when I put the bright light on him during cross examination. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In some ways I grew to feel sorry for the ow. She jumped into bed with a guy she hardly knew and he ended up being married and she got tagged as the ow and left behind.

I on the other hand, have a new loving and patient husband. We are best friends again and we love and like each other again. How nice is that?

Step by step you will get there. But do the stop thinking thing when you think it's time to turn off the movies in your head. I swear I got so used to those dang movies that I knew every little scene in my head. I just had to say CUT, that's a wrap and put that movie to bed and burn it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs,
Tiggy

In my case physically the OW was more attractive than myself. Ouch! I was 47 and she was 21..nothing I could ever do to change that. She had long blonde hair and a good figure. My ex loved long hair but I didn't like how it looked on me. I had short red hair and loved the color. I was overweight but always had been. It was nothing new. My x had always told me that he thought I was beautiful. I dressed well and took good care of myself, makeup, etc.

She was in Recovery for alcoholism as was my X, and met my X at their meetings. So they already had something in common that I didn't "belong" to. I figured that the meetings were "anonymous" and were not to be my business. Little did I know what other "anonymous" activites were going on!

Yes I was far more intelligent and educated, far more classy (according to my x's children!), far more responsible in working and maintaining a household etc. Far more focused on giving to my x. I don't know about sexual enthusiasm in their relationship but it never lacked for on my part with my x!

I knew that I could never be some of the things that she was. It was hard not to compare in wondering what she had that I couldn't give my x. My x always said that it was nothing lacking in me...that it was about him. Huh??? We're divorced and I still occassionally compare myself in my mind. I guess it's kind of "post-traumatic" syndrome as I start to date again. My bottom line, however, is that I am who I am. If that wasn't "right" or "enough" for my ex than it wasn't enough. I didn't want to lose my "self" in addition to my X!!

(Interesting note: I saw the OW several months after my divorce. I was surprised because she had shortened her hair and dyed it red! Hmmmm!)

OK, go to the link below, SCROLL PAST the 'accidental infidelity' junk to the 'romantic infidelity' part.
This gives a much clearer description of the damsels and dumsels in distress that adulterers get involved with.

Don't torture yourselves imagining the OP is somehow superior to you.

Sometimes the WS will try to get the BS to compete with the OP, pretending the OP was better in some way. IMHO the WS does that partly because they are ashamed to admit they got involved with such a loser. So they defend the OP and insist they are a 'good' person...

I remember once when I was getting ready to go meet and confront one of the the OW and WH. I actually went to the beauty parlor first, put on a really pretty new sweater, and carefully chose an outfit that would make me look slimmer...
The OW turned out to be ugly, dumpy and had a HUGE a$$ - LOL. My WH was SOOOO embarrassed that I saw him with her.

Also, one of the OW was a friend of mine, wife of WH's best friend. So I knew all about her. She was EXTREMELY envious of me - wanted eveyrthing I had. She even insisted her husband buy her a house just like mine and then had him paint her bedroom the same color as mine!
When I confronted her I told her that the difference between her and I was NOT that my husband was superior to hers (OK mine was better looking IMHO). Her husband treated her much better than my husband treated me and her husband made more money than mine did. Still she wanted what I had because she wished she was me. BTW her husband was involved with somebody else and she was the OW that broke them up... I gues she was envious of that woman too.

http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/articles/beyond_betrayal.htm

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

MM, that 'romantic infidelity' piece is the absolute most devastatingly perfect description of my Squids affair I have ever read. Perfect.

I might have to investigate Pittman's books now !

Thanks for posting that !

Worth posting in whole in fact

ROMANTIC INFIDELITY

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and wining to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.

That is an excellent article. I read the book but forgot about that.

Heartfailure,

Is you ex still with the OP? I think that her cutting her hair and dying it red is very interesting.

I have been having a major problem this week with the comparison thing myself.
I am hoping/thinking that we are in the recovery period, even though D-day was only 3 months ago.

So many times this week I am comparing every thing I do with OW, and I have never even met her. I have talked to her on the phone several times. Got to know her myself in a different way than WH did, I am sure.

I picture her to be this beautiful woman that my H will dream about forever. She probably is just a regular person, but my WH has not ever described her in any detail.

I know she likes expensive clothes, perfume, cars and men with good jobs, etc. (She told me that.)

My WH could never provide anything like that.
He was just the "phone guy" where she worked. Honestly, not the greatest catch for her type. He was just the man of the moment. Too bad she broke his heart.
I am sure she is a goddess to him though.
My WH has watched a fair amount of porn in his life too, on the TV and then the computer. Early in our marriage I knew about this and just felt so small and unimportant compared to that. So I guess porn was his first OW. Does that count as another A?

SF has been better lately than ever before in our relationship, but I don't know that it will stay that way. I want it to - need to make up for all those years with hardly having none. He owes me, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have a low self esteem, although I don't think I show that too much to others. It's in my own mind and my own heart that I torture myself with this.
You all say it gets better with time, and God I hope you are right.

thanks,
Suzy

I'm in a similar place. I compared myself to OM for the past 3 months and only just feel like I got past that. One thing that helped me is the realization of all the things that I offer her that he never could. I don't know your situation, but my wife took up with someone she said reminded her of me when we first started dating. With that, I knew that it was still me that she wanted. The fantasies about putting him in the hospital seemed to help a little too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

As I am working on earning her love and respect again, I try to focus on the things that drew us together in the first place.

Hope it helps.

weaver,
Yes my x is still with the OW. She was six months pregnant when their affair was confirmed. I didn't know anything about MarriageBuilders at that time. I filed for divorce. The baby was born one month before our divorce was final. Luckily we had no children together. (Although in some ways I felt jealous of the OW because I had never shared that experience with my x. We didn't want any more kids because ours were all getting older and independent.) Many who knew the OW said they were certain she got pregnant to keep my ex. He loves children and wouldn't abandon his own. They also said that they didn't think she was so much "sexy" as a "hootchie mama".

Their son was born with Down Syndrome. My x wanted to reconcile with me(so he said) but was concerned that she wouldn't parent their son adequately if he wasn't around to keep track of her and the baby. The OW was 21, had no consistent parenting throughout her life, was short-tempered, self-centered and immature. His words, not mine! Sounds like a real catch to me! Because she wasn't overtly abusive he didn't feel that the courts would award him full custody. Their son will be 3 in June of this year. They live together but have never married.

I think that in some ways she recognizes that she cannot measure up to me in many ways. But....he still is with her...not me. Her hair was cut and dyed red about one year after the ex and I had divorced. That was about 6 months after she had seen me for the first time. Yes, I do think she felt threatened by me in some ways. But again...he is with her...not me. I'm not sure that anyone was a "winner" in this one.

Heart,

Thank you for telling your story. I didn't see it before now.

Hope you are recovering and enjoying life now.

It's funny that she needs to look like you, wonder how much influence he has on this. Quite a bit would be my guess.

I'm sure he didn't want to start a new family with a mere child. But I guess that was his choice when he took it ourside of his marriage.

Take care Heart!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The better the marriage,the saner and more sensible the spouse,the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel.Romantic A's happen in good marriages even more than in bad ones </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FP.

This is great.Describes my ordeal in many ways.

O