Hello. I'm new here and have looked around this website and don't know if I am posting in the correct place. But...here goes...

I have some questions and hope to get some help here! I have had 2 EA's. #1 had a 3 day PA. #2 never became physical and ended late Dec. Both of the OM were internet affairs and both of the OM lived a great distance away.

I confessed to my DH of both. We had several counceling sessions which helped somewhat, but I felt all we did was talk to the councelor and really not alot of direction. It helped to get things out though.

My problem. How long will it take for me not to keep thinking back to OM#2 and stop fantasizing about him! I do want my life to be normal. There has been great progress in my marriage, but I still think about the OM #2 and wish I could have met him, wish I could be with him...etc!!!! I still care about this OM very much! I don't want to be this way, but my mind keeps going there!

2BN,


Welcome. You are on the right track. Think of yourself as an addict that has decided to stop using drugs. Just like addicts you are going through a face of withrawal. Resist the temptation to contact OM and those feelings will soon disipate. Maybe some FWW might give you some more advice. Good luck.

start picturing him plunging a knife into you betrayed husband and other loved ones...children, mother, father etc....cause thats what he is doing..........

Welcome '2BNormal'.

You are not the first or the only person that has been involved in an online affair.
It is in EPIDEMIC proportion according to William Harley, the founder of this MB site.

It really is similar to any addiction; as emailing with the OM (or OW) gives us a temporary HIGH.

It might help you some, to read this thread started by CardsOnly called:

Help! Withdrawing from Painful Online Affair

MARY

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: ItWon'tRainAlways ]</small>

2B, start asking yourself why you care about someone who so willingly would destroy your family and you in the process? It took me a long time too to see FOM in that light because I didn't want to face what I had done to my H and children.

Hello,

Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if your husband has been doing to you what you have been doing to him? You sexually cheated on your husband with OM#1 and put his health at great risk and are now feeling bad that you did not get a chance to have sex with OM#2 and are now constantly thinking of him. Again how would you feel if your husband did this to you? You are continually humiliating and disrespecting him. Maybe you should do your husband a big favor and divorce him and allow him to find someone who will truly love and respect him since you by your own words and actions seem incapbable of doing this. Am I wrong?

I don't think I'd go so far as some of the people that have posted on your thread, although I see their point of view. This person did damage your family.

But hate cannot overcome anything - just keep in mind that you were addicted to someone - and some addictions can last a long, long time.

You need to give yourself some time (and hopefully DH can understand this) - you need to get over the addiction. But I can tell you this: do not fool yourself - the addiction can come back the moment you think of this person -

Have you ever read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, you should really get a copy of it and read it - really READ it. There are steps you can take that will protect your family, your H - AND YOU from the damage done.

My advice: just take the time to get over the addiction, and concentrate hard on filling your DH's ENs. You will get there......

David

Thank you all for your replies. Is it normal and ok to talk to my DH about these feelings? I feel like I told him so much that he is "over" hearing about the OM. But my feelings or addiction (as stated) are not over. I do love my husband and my husband loves me so very much. He has forgiven me and as seemed to have moved on. I still cannot view OM #2 as bad or evil or hurtful even though what we did was definitely wrong!

I did give into contacting OM #2 a few times and he gave in as well. Our contact was mainly for me was to try to put closure to it and ask for forgiveness.( It had ended very abruptly after OM #2's DW found my emails. ) But I also realized that he is struggling just as much as I am. BTW - OM #2 helped me moved past OM #1. That is how I met OM #2. However, as I moved past OM #1, OM #2 was right there and we already had the emotional bond.

I may not be able to get back on here much over the weekend, but I will check back when possible.

2BN - Glad you want this behaivor to change. Chances are this OM isn't all that he is in your head. I think there are two people On the Idiotville page that can help you. Post KiwiJ and AussiesWife. They are great people that can give you good advice and moral support. Best wishes.

RHM

Hi 2BNormal,
Can I ask you a couple of blunt questions? Do you want to be married? If you have doubts, could you walk away from M without REALLY trying to fix it first?

To work on your M means letting go of other men. Sounds simplistic I know, but think in those terms and it might make it easer. There isn't room for three in the M. The OM gave intense pleasure whenever you conversed and was just a fantasy life, eh? You really didn't know him totally, and never had real life pressures in your relationship. It's hard to give that up, but if you want to save your M you must.

I am a FWW just finished with withdrawls. It's been 9 weeks for me. Soooo glad to be done with that. The only way to cure the addiction to something so very poison to your M is no contact. Sounds like you and OM have been in contact, which is extending your withdrawls. Every time you are in contact, it starts the withdrawl clock all over again. Don't give in for "closure" or "checking in" or whatever you tell yourself to rationalize it. Trust me..I'm not being mean, just honest. Gotta let the OM go if you want to truly work on your M. Until he is out of your heart and mind, your H will suffer and your H doesn't deserve that, does he?

Withdrawls can last for awhile and everyone is different as to how long. Dr. Harley says the worst can last 3 weeks to 6 months. But, any contact just extends it.

After withdrawls are over, you will be surprised how you view OM. Until then, reserve judgement and when you feel yourself fantasizing, STOP!! You are in control of your thoughts, so rechannel. Keep busy and don't give in to thoughts of OM.

Sounds like your M wasn't all you had wished for, and OM was supplementing some emotional needs. Try and identify what those are, so you can work with your H on meeting them. Once withdrawls are over, it is easier to focus on your M and things get a lot better.

Oh, and your other question as far as how much to say to your H. Let him tell you how much he wants to hear. Please always be honest and don't hide anything when he asks. But, if he has heard all he wants to, then that's o.k. too. It hurts to hear about - can you put yourself in his shoes? Grieving for OM should not be placed on H's shoulders unless he asks. That is your problem. Hopefully the memory of this pain you are going through will stop you from doing it again.

I know it did me. Never again! Be strong 2BNormal. Contact with OM means failure. Get through the withdrawls with strength and it sets the stage for working towards marital recovery with dignity. Good luck and write if you need help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When was the last time you had contatc with the OM?

It will take about 3 weeks from the last contact to get through the worst part of withdrawal.

Then it will take about 6 months to get rid of any occasional thoughts/feelings for OM.

BUT each time you have contact you will have to start all over and go through that tough 3 week stage again.

Don't do that to yourself. It's bad enough ahving to go through withdrawal once. Why do it over and over again?

gentlsoul,
Thank you for your reply. Yes I do want to be married. My H and I have really worked on things and he does know the needs that I need met from him. We have worked through this and have discussed in great detail. I know I have to let go of the OM, but it is so difficult in my heart to do so!

OM and I ended things 12/27/04. We went for a period with no contact. But...we were both weak. Last contact was yesterday! Yes yesterday! I tried to encourage him and he tried to encourage me that we both need to move on and follow God and honor our marriages. This is really what we both want....but also our hearts our so torn.


meremortal,
I think the hardest part of the no contact is to never ever know how he is doing the rest of our lives! I am struggling big time with that!

I think the hardest part of the no contact is to never ever know how he is doing the rest of our lives! I am struggling big time with that! 2B, the longer you are in NC and well into recovery the more you will shudder at having said those words. Really, hon, you will regret the relationship with OM. Right now you see him as a good person but he's not. No more contact ok? You just set yourself back to day one of withdrawl with contact yesterday. Be strong you can do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2B~
I second what Faithful Follower said. You are in for a few rough weeks ahead, but keep your eye on the ball (your marriage). I know it's hard, but end it with finality with OM.

It's like ripping off a bandaid...got to do it quick and decisively so OM and your H knows you mean it and OM moves on to a more fulfilling relationship (like his marriage). End it decisively: like write a No Contact letter so there is no question it has ended.

If you haven't already, pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It really offers a lot of insight.

Good luck! I'm at the other end of the tunnel and am so very glad I said goodbye to OM. You will be amazed at your perspective later. We're here if you need to talk or vent....or to stop you from calling him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

faithful follower and gentlsoul,

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I know I have to quit this contact with the OM. We ended late Dec. but yet we have said good-bye and no communication 4 more times after that!! These email communications were in no way similar to the email communications when the A was in full action. We did not mention love...etc. More like we are trying to sort things out. The last phone conversation I had with him was 12/30. It was during that phone call that I told the OM that I confessed everything to my H. I wanted the OM to know this. I am not pulled to call him as we didn't have phone conversations as often as our emails. I did call his voice mail a few times to listen to his voice, but that has been over 3 weeks now and I feel strong not to do that anymore.

I don't feel the withdrawal has started again as tough as it was in late Dec. Those few weeks after were the toughest for me. I still miss this man. It's still tough for my thoughts to not wander to him. We had emailed every work day all day back and forth. At least 10 emails a day and sometimes I would try to sneak in a few over the weekends. It's still tough for me to face my life in reality. I'm trying slowly, but when things don't go well, that's when my mind turns back to that fantasy.

How do you turn your thoughts away? How do you focus on reality?

Also I have not read "Surviving an Affair". I have read another book similar and have read much on this website.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

2Bnormal,

I’m a FWW who was involved in an inappropriate friendship through e-mail. Like you, I also struggled with obsessive thoughts and fantasies about XOM and my withdrawal was very long & intense. What you currently going through is normal but you will only be able to recover and overcome this ‘addiction’ if you have NC with the OM. Please read this thread on withdrawal I posted a few months ago. It will give you some insight and understanding and if you read it, you will also understand why it is normal for a long time to experience lingering feelings towards the OM and have thoughts about the OP. It’s all part of the process and something that will get better with time & patience and if there is NC with the OP.

Please read the following insightful post I received from Ark^^ while I was in early recovery and while I struggled to get rid of those thoughts feelings:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU SAID
The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest. This is really a big struggle and religious problem to me. Although I’ve already forgave myself for the previous mistakes made and although I know that my H and God had also forgiven me, I’m still having a issue with the scripture in the Bible where Jesus talks about adultery in the heart. Therefore, in spite of the fact that I’m still continue NC and do all the right things to protect my H etc., I’m just wondering if I’m still commit sin/adultery in the heart because of my lingering thought and feelings about OM. Maybe I’m just too hard on myself sometimes.

Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.

Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.

The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,

What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".

It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..

1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....

2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.

3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...

Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...

You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.

In pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope this could help,

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

2BNormal-

I know what you're going through. I am a few weeks ahead of you and have had my own thread going (HELP!W/DRawing from Online Affair). You are not alone. It may help you to read it. You will be able to identify with my thoughts & feelings probably with every step. ALSO, though, the responses from the angels, Suzet, Gentlsoul, and the many others who posted with advice and support. It WILL get better as time goes on, but it won't happen overnight.

Withdrawal started for me about 6 weeks ago. I started posting 3 weeks ago (I think), when I was at my lowest. I've made a lot of progress in those 3 weeks, but it's not over. I'm still struggling every day.

Read the books, listen to these people, and KNOW that what you're feeling isn't unusual or unique. We all felt like it would never be better and we'd never get over it. But you will!

Suzet, the response to you from Ark was very helpful to me today. Also, what you posted on my thread touched me deeply. I have come to some acceptance about my EA, and I am mourning my loss. Thank you for knowing what helps us at each of these junctures!

Thank you Suzet for your words today. It really helped and it really helps me to read here and know that others have experienced what I am experiencing and have made it through to the other end. I will try to read your thread on withdrawals when I get a chance.

Cards, thanks for your words as well. I have read through most of your thread as well. I can identify with you in many ways. This OM for me started out as a friend (they all do right?) A year ago today he was helping me to get past OM#1. I talked to him (online) and he prayed for me for about 6 months until I let go of OM#1. But then, I could not just stop talking to this man as we built such a strong friendship and we cared so deeply for each other at this point. After a month of letting go of OM#1, a new affair began. We tried to stop it over and over again and knew we were wrong but our feelings were too strong for each other. We went through all the scenerios of marrying each other etc. Then one day his W found some of my emails and of course she was devastated. We had to make a choice right then and there and we did. However, we still keep trying to say good-bye! I have to be strong and not have any further contact.

Cards, can I ask you if you still have any pictures of the OM? I still have some that I cannot delete! I know I will have to at some point, but it is very difficult. I feel like I would be "erasing" him forever and I cannot do that yet!

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: 2BNormal ]</small>

2BNormal,

No, I don't have any pictures. Any pictures that he sent I was afrain to keep on pc. I had saved our IM conversations on pc until H discovered our EA. At that time I saved the conversations to disc. I have picture in my mind, as I saw him almost every time on webcam. I am not to the point that I can destroy the conversations or rip up his cell #. I hope that will come. When it is less painful and I am fully able to let go of him, I will probably go back and read them, then destroy them. That's my hope anyway.

Another question...

Do I need to let my H know that I am posting on here? I feel guilty in a way that I am and he does not know. He has a hard time with forums because I met the OM on another forum and he would worry that I would meet someone else. He also feels that all the people that talk on forums are "out of reality". Why talk to anonymous people? But for me, where else can I go to get help and really talk about the feelings that I am going through?