Just another question or two do alot of WS really not remember to much?My H says he don't remember when in Nov they tryed to have sex. He said it was in the begining.And thats all he knew. His b-day is in the begining and he could'nt remember if it was before or after.Also when i ask him why he did this he says he really don't why he did that he was twisted and confused.Little back round this A lasted 2months 11-04-12-04.it was a co-worker.NC as soon as i found out.New job this past week.PA only once did not finish it was in her car in a parking lot. He says he got scared and could'nt finish.HE knew he was wrong but called her still.He says he did'nt know why?He also worked full time with overtime and went to school full time with lots of homework.Could WS be caught up in so much at once they don't remember and don't know why they did these things?
Thanks
LL

Hi lastinglove.....

The alien abduction theory comes to mind.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But by personal experience, my WH's memory is extremely poor when it comes to OW (such as....he can't seem to remember calling OW twice last week...one conversation I have on tape, the other is her home phone # on his work cell).

Alzheimers? Part-timers? Some-timers?

Another case of someone not wanting to tell the whole truth?

Trying to keep their secret life still secret?

Steve Harley calls it faulty thinking.

From reading here, it looks like almost all WS's do not regain their memory until they regain their right mind.

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When you find out why they don't rememeber will you let me know ? Mine remembers nothing and says it was shorter than I believe and nothing happened just friends. yeah right...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Alzheimers? Part-timers? Some-timers?

Another case of someone not wanting to tell the whole truth?

Trying to keep their secret life still secret?

Steve Harley calls it faulty thinking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So where have you met my wife at before? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's amazing because nearly everything I know about the A happened in the four weeks I was there and somehow nothing else happened the other 11 mos. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>

Is it a lie?

Or is it really the truth?

Honestly, from my perspective, it depends on the time factor. For instance....if you were to ask me details about my A now....well, I would be pretty mute. It's been 2 years, and NC for that long tends to push away those memories to those little 'retired' files at the back of the head. They aren't able to be opened without a very specific trigger.

However, right after the A ended, I was able to give my STBXH details. Although there were still some that I did not remember (because to me they did not leave an imprint on my mind), but for the most part, I was able to remember.

So IMVHO, he might be filing these memories away. Of course, he could be trying to protect you from hurt as well. In that case, I would simply ask you if you are providing a safe environment for him to be honest? Is he honest about other things? Is he giving you his cell phone bills, accounting for his time, and providing you with a healing environment? All those things help to build the trust.

It may be too early for him to understand the 'why' to all this. He definitely needs to work on it, but it took me 7 months to really understand the deep 'why' behind my choice. I knew that EN's were not being met in my M. But that was not why I made the choice.

As for why he continued contact......addiction. He was addicted to the feelings that arose from her meeting some of his EN's. Why was he able to stop contact immediately, then? Because he never really wanted to lose you in the first place. Seems rather backwards, but it is what it is.

Hope that you begin to find solace with your questions. It is still very early in your recovery (don't you hate it when someone says that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) so hang in there!

Good luck!

I'ts call WAS "selective memory". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My WH's A went on for 2 yrs. So I do not believe he dosen't remember anything. He is just lying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lastinglove:
<strong> Just another question or two do alot of WS really not remember to much?My H says he don't remember when in Nov they tryed to have sex. He said it was in the begining.And thats all he knew. His b-day is in the begining and he could'nt remember if it was before or after.Also when i ask him why he did this he says he really don't why he did that he was twisted and confused.Little back round this A lasted 2months 11-04-12-04.it was a co-worker.NC as soon as i found out.New job this past week.PA only once did not finish it was in her car in a parking lot. He says he got scared and could'nt finish.HE knew he was wrong but called her still.He says he did'nt know why?He also worked full time with overtime and went to school full time with lots of homework.Could WS be caught up in so much at once they don't remember and don't know why they did these things?
Thanks
LL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust me THEY KNOW. There is not a person in the world who could convince me that they "don't remember". It is all a defense mechanism that they use for two reasons. They want to block out part of the reality of it for guilt purposes, and the other part is in their own mind, they are trying to protce you, the BS from really knowing the full details.

The Bottom line: THEY DAMN WELL REMEMBER.

I agree with LM. It is a stonewalling tactic designed to shut you up and get you off their back. They rememeber. They are protecting THEMSELVES, not protecting the BS.

If they wanted to protect the BS, well, things would be a lot different now, wouldn't they?

***PA only once did not finish it was in her car in a parking lot. He says he got scared and could'nt finish.***

By the way, I've seen this a LOT on these boards -- "uh, we tried to have sex but I couldn't finish." Please. It seems like practically ALL of them say this. Like it makes some kind of difference.
Mulan

Thank you all for your replys.My H says he was so twisted and confused he did'nt know one day from the other. he worked way to much and went to school almost evertnite. He starts his new job 4-4-05 after he takes two weeks off so we can spend time together.We been married 12 yrs two kids and only been away once by ourselves and that was after this A happened.
Sometimes i really wonder if i should just stop with all the questions. I know were we want to be. I also believe my H made the biggest mistake he will ever make. He will never do it again.We now know what to look for. I just wish we knew sooner

Thanks
LL

^^^^BUMP^^^^^

^^^^BUMP^^^^^

^^^BUMP^^^

He remembers he just choses not to tell. Most of the reasons other people already posted. As for your question regarding whether you should stop asking questions and just trust that he'll never do it again. Well..I wouldn't advise that!

Most of the books I've read advocate that there can't be a true recovery unless both sides have processed the A (learned how it happened, why it happened, what needs aren't getting met on both sides, etc) without this you can't put a plan of protection in place to keep it from happening again.

I would strongly advise reading the books SAA, Torn Asunder, etc and setting up an appt with the Harleys. My H and I also did IC and regualar MC, he also took 2 polygraphs one he failed and second he passed. It took all that and more for us to recover.

Now 2 and half years later we are doing better then at any other time of our 22 year marriage.

this thread seems to be full of DJs!! you cannot stand there and say you know what someone truely remembers or does not remember. i do not recall everything. the stuff that happened long ago was 15 and 20 years ago. the stuff that happened more recently... i was a complete mess through so much of it. i am not able to remember everything. and i am not just saying that to protect myself.

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning-T2M ]</small>

this thread seems to be full of DJs!! you cannot stand there and say you know what someone truely remembers or does not remember. i do not recall everything. the stuff that happened long ago was 15 and 20 years ago. the stuff that happened more recently... i was a complete mess through so much of it. i am not able to remember everything. and i am not just saying that to protect myself.

IMO, I think he remembers, especially if you continue to question him and let him know your not going to stop until you get answers to move on. BUT...I do beleive that if he is really sorry, he is trying to forget and block some of it out due to guilt, hurting you/family, and it's easier.
Think about something you did in the past, whether it be your childhood, etc,,, If I am really going back and concentrating on an event, I will remember probably the outstanding details that hurt.. but the other fades, unless it is dreged up by repetitive question or thoughts. I think it is a self protection we do by storing it away in the back of our minds.
Like the other posts, at first my WS just didn't want to talk about it for various reasons mentioned by others and above.
I quess it all depends on the person and their motives and regrets.
Jenny
Living and Relaxing at the Coast <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

To answer the specific questions she asked:
You asked, "My H says he don't remember when in Nov they tryed to have sex. He said it was in the begining.And thats all he knew. His b-day is in the begining and he could'nt remember if it was before or after."

It is entirely possible that he doesn't remember the specific date.

YOu asked, "Could WS be caught up in so much at once they don't remember and don't know why they did these things?"

Yes, it is possible that he doesn't remember specifics. If a guy can forget your birthday, he certainly can forget the date he had sex with someone else.

However, I'm pretty sure he remembers "why".

Thanks everyone,
I have been doing pretty good this week today was the last day of work for my H. He starts his new job in two weeks.So we have alot of time together.I know he really loves me and this was his biggest mistake of his life.When i do ask why he says all he wanted was me. We had big problems talking to eachother. He did'nt think i loved him.And that he was just here. I felt the same way but just blamed it on school and him working all the time. We basiclly found out how much we truly loved each other after this happened. We both were just afraid to speak up.He still says he don't have a good enough reason why he did this. That he is very sorry,and will spend a lifetime making it up to me.
Should i stop with the questions and just be happy like i know we can be?

Thanks
LL

FL </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">is thread seems to be full of DJs!! you cannot stand there and say you know what someone truely remembers or does not remember. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it is suspicious that my H can remember every play his NFL team made in every game he has ever seen, including during his A, but, he didn't know how to spell the FOW's first name, and she is a co-worker, whose paperwork he filled out.

I'll stand there and say it if you would like.