I guess I posted in the wrong place, anyway here's the link
Original Misplaced Post

I'd appreciate any help or insight. Thanks!

PS: Sorry it's a little long (ok more than a little)

Down but trying,

It is difficult to trust after a spouse has had an affair.

It makes it tougher if your spouse expects immediate trust bc they don't think they've had an affair

The best definition of an EA is actually from S Glass the author of "Not Just Friends"

In it she says that ah EA is present if three characteristics are present:

Secrecy, Intimacy & Sexual Chemistry

In your wife's case, secrecy was present.

Intimacy was there. That's what got things going at the retreat. They started sharing feelings, beliefs, opinions and more

Sexual Chemistry is just the thought of or interest in the other party. Your wife is guiltier than some in this category since they kissed and she "touched" him.

Buy the book and read it. Be careful preaching to her. Leave it lying around with passages highlighted. Read it in front of her. Hopefully she'll ask about it and it'll open the door.

Mac

Thanks cwmac. I'll get the book. That sure is the definition of what she did/had. I do try not to preach, but I also don't let her forget about it (for long). She seems to think if she just ignores it, it will all go away.

Down but trying

Is your wife a conflict avoider? Mine was and still is.

I have a theory that a large proportion of the spouses, both male and female, who have affairs are conflict avoiders and/or poor communicators.

As Harley says the underlying marraige issues behind the affair need to be addressed or another affair may occur. These second rounds can be vastly different than the first they can be EAs only. Sometimes the BS in a moment of self-esteem strengthening becomes the WS. Not recommended for any sort of recovery but it happens.

Besides dealing with the fall out of the affair, are the two of you dealing with the relationship/personal issues that created an affair prone atmosphere??

Mac

Mac,

Yes we are addressing those issues. She is anything but a conflict avoider. If anyone is that would be me. She'll chase me from room to room until she has said all she needs to say! Although she seldom thnks through her actions or words first which leads to a lot of LB withdrawals. I on the other hand may be too deliberate and take too much time to think it through.

We started attending church and doing more family oriented activities. We are really enjoying that. We have a marriage counseling session with our pastor this Friday (which she took the initiative of). I am working in the MB site stuff and although we haven't started looking at it together, she has said she would be glad to.

Part of me really gets the sense that she wants to make things much better, but she just doesn't know how. If I would say that she has one major fault, it is that she never seems to be able to put herself in another person's shoes so she can only see her side of an issue. Well, that and never thinking things through before she does them.

As to what you were saying, that might have applied to her. I didn't have an affair, but our marriage wasn't great. We were somewhat separate, I was meeting her emotional and financial needs and she looked for attention elsewhere. So I guess you could say she was betrayed a little and became the WS. I am taking all the steps I can to change those circumstances.

Part of me really gets the sense that she wants to make things much better, but she just doesn't know how. If I would say that she has one major fault, it is that she never seems to be able to put herself in another person's shoes so she can only see her side of an issue. Well, that and never thinking things through before she does them IC might be good for her to work through some of this stuff. It did wonders for helping me change especially the pursuer in me to my H's avoider. Great book is Safe Haven Marriage.