WW and I are currently separated. My choice after 3 year long distance A with no progress towards ending.

Now WW is trying to fulfill NC (4 weeks), though she had one 1 relapse (this week) that I discovered. And today I saw on her computer that she is googling around the internet for stuff on OM.

I confronted her about it, but she gets more upset with me for what she calls "sneaking around and snooping" than I do with her for succumbing to her weakness.

Does a WW deserve privacy? If she doesn't, how do you convince the WW of that?

You don't have to convince her of that. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. She doesn't want "privacy," she wants secrecy; big difference. Tell her that people who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Why not try Plan B?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> JD wrote:
"I confronted her about it, but she gets more upset with me for what she calls "sneaking around and snooping" than I do with her for succumbing to her weakness."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If anyone is "SNEAKING" it's her.

When she had the affair she breached the trust in your marriage. Now she needs to earn your trust back by disclosing everything and allowing you to do WHATEVER it takes to feel secure that she is maintaining NC. POJA

I agree with Melody, if she won't maintain NC Plan B may be your next step.

Jo

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Just wanted to say well put MelodyLane:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She doesn't want "privacy," she wants secrecy; big difference. Tell her that people who have nothing to hide, don't hide. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH was always very private about everything. I only found out about one A but now I often wonder... maybe there was more than one OW, over the years.

He's become better at explaining himself but I feel he's still so secretive and hides so much from me.

I feel that when two people are married, they should be willing to share their whereabouts, their accounts and bills etc. Our stuff has always been separate, just like it was when we moved in together when we were dating.
One thing we never fight about is money but I guess that is because we never know what each other spends.
He pays certain bills and I pay certain bills. I couldn't tell you how much the garbage bill is or how much we pay in property taxes, etc. Those are his bills.

wwjd now,
My WH promised NC on 2/16, so I am at about the same timeframe as you as far as that is concerned.
I still don't trust him anymore than since D-day. Actually for the first couple weeks after D-day, I just assumed he wasn't contacting her. ASSUMED he would end it. Boy was I wrong!!! Talk about another slap in the face, almost like D-day all over again.

A lot of MB'ers have told me that the WS has to earn your trust back again and not just expect it. That's the hard part though. That could take many many years.

MelodyLane,

In some ways I am in Plan B - moved out and will not move back in until I am satisfied it is finally, finally, finally over and she convinces herself of that as well. I have given myself 3 months of NC as at least 1 prerequisite.

But in other ways we are in recovery - we are in MC with SH, we are discussing ENs and LBs, we went on a date last Sat.

We both want to save our M. She does not want a life with the OM. She is just not sure she wants a life with me either.

She just struggles more than me with making choices that save our M v. destroy it.

Does this make any sense?

suzychapstick,

Boy, I am not sure if my trust can ever be earned back after all we have been through.

She asked me today - "why did you not just ask me about it instead of going behind my back?" I told her "because I have asked you for the truth repeatedly for the last three years - the only way I can be sure what the truth is is to find it out for myself"

I don't know maybe fastforwarding the tape 5 years if she has had NC and no A - then maybe I will start feeling secure.

One of the funniest things I ever heard that WH has said....

He told our DS that my snooping was driving a wedge between us!

Could it possibly be that WH's CHEATING was driving a wedge between us? DUH!!!!

WH moved back home Christmas with promises and lies (I later found out). I could almost tell you the instant he resumed contact with OW.....his attitude toward me changed.

And he returned to his secrecy.

Meanwhile, I returned to my snooping.

I'm now in Plan B.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong> One of the funniest things I ever heard that WH has said....

He told our DS that my snooping was driving a wedge between us!

Could it possibly be that WH's CHEATING was driving a wedge between us? DUH!!!!

WH moved back home Christmas with promises and lies (I later found out). I could almost tell you the instant he resumed contact with OW.....his attitude toward me changed.

And he returned to his secrecy.

Meanwhile, I returned to my snooping.

I'm now in Plan B.

K </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K:

I hope someday you truly find "salvation" in your WH. You have died a thousand deaths with him and my heart truly breaks for you. It really does. I hope the "Plan B" accomplishes what you "want" it to. Sadly in your case, history always seems to repeat itself with you and your WH. I hope that "this time is different".

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wwjd now:
<strong> .

She asked me today - "why did you not just ask me about it instead of going behind my back?" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"because you are untrustworthy."

WWJD NOW,
Not only do WWs/WSs have NO right to privacy, according to SH, husbands and wives in general have no right to privacy! Do the reading.
Coach

I have to say I sure don't feel my WW deserves any privacy. In fact it completely aggravates me that she feels like she does. AND that she hasn't offered to open up everything to me. That makes me feel like she has more to hide.

After the last confrontation about contact on 2/24, she was forthcoming for a short time, even telling me to go into her email and read/delete whatever I wanted (of course having unearthed it already I already knew what was there). But then she changed the password the next week! WTF?!

I don't feel guilty about looking anymore though. Before this happened I probably would have been furious if she was invading my privacy for any reason. Now... I'd welcome her to scrutinize everything. It'll make sure I never do anything like this to her.

Sorry to hear you had to move out and go to PlanB WWJD. I'll pray for ya.

BTW I don't think you need to convince her, she won't agree to opening the secrecy as long as there is some. She'll have to commit to ending the secrecy. What I am trying to do is make sure that I am not holding back anything either. Lead by example sort of thing. I Trust-but-Verify and don't let her know that I am monitoring her as much as I am. She knows I'm watching, but not what I am watching or where or how much. Remember that it is secrecy she is protecting, not privacy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wwjd now:
<strong> WW and I are currently separated. My choice after 3 year long distance A with no progress towards ending.

Now WW is trying to fulfill NC (4 weeks), though she had one 1 relapse (this week) that I discovered. And today I saw on her computer that she is googling around the internet for stuff on OM.

I confronted her about it, but she gets more upset with me for what she calls "sneaking around and snooping" than I do with her for succumbing to her weakness.

Does a WW deserve privacy? If she doesn't, how do you convince the WW of that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once the WS is caught and a reconciliation is started..........THE WS LOSES ALL RIGHT to privacy IMO. SHe/He loses the inherent trust. PLease read this board and see WHY there is such need to be VIGILANT about this.

NOw, honestly, IMHO I would NOT continue to spy and do all of that $hit, if continued contact happened (and predictably it usually does) I would not stand for it. If you are gonna do the plans and this stuff, then you need to be vigilant about watching for contact. Please realize that the instant any contact is made the recovery clock starts back to day 0. If she did googling on the OM today, you are NOT in recovery at all.


Sorry you have to be here.

LM

WW,

The WS, once discovered HAS NO PRIVACY, why should there be a need for any if both parties agree to remedy the sitch and totally commit to rebuilding.

Everything should be transparent.

If someone is upset because of snooping then they are HIDING SOMETHING!

(It's good to be back!)

k