Justpeachy:

Thanks for the post. I see and feel much of what you do. I am somewhat familiar with your story and am happy that you have "survived the fall". You WH will someday get the life that is coming to him. He will, you know it and I know it.

BY the way, what medical specialty are you in (are you an MD, RN, LPN, Technologist?). I am curious.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Excellent thread, LM!!!!!

I so much agree qith you on so many aspects!
and Justpeachy, it is so important for the people who are still in the middle of the process to read a summary of the experience, you have no idea how helpful it is.

I am still in plan B with absolutely NC, after a 2 month plan A. I believe as LM and you and some others do that many BS are suffering too much emotional abuse. They are choosing to allow it. And it is very painful to read. Very.

So thank you for this thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by coach3530:
<strong> LM,
Let’s see, how to forgive and go on with a cheating wife (cheating being a verb)? Impossible for me to do!

Forgiving and going forward with the woman I love, who swears that she loves me and swears that she will never do “it” again? Easy! You just do it. You don’t talk about it, wonder about it or worry about it, you just do it.

Why do so many BSs squander so much emotional collateral on the OM or OW? Beats me. Don’t get me wrong. I feel no fondness for the OM who was enjoying the “society” LOL that my wife was providing but it was her choice to be his provider. He didn’t put a gun to her head and make her do anything she didn’t want to do. And in that my wife is one hell of good (make that great) provider of “society,” he would have had to be made of stone to turn her down.

Now as to those men and woman who go around indescriminently making and having babies, it’s with them that I have real problems. We can debate the correct course of action and prescribed method by which this kind of problem needs to be handled ad infinitem but in the end, all we’re ever going to be doing is making the best of a bad situations.

From a strictly pragmatic point of view, abortion is a solution as is adoption. But when a woman chooses to have that baby regardless of the circumstances and to keep that child regardless of the circumstances, then this decision is a statement as to her “relationship” intent. Talk about compounding bad actions with bad decisions.

The first bad decision is to have the affair. The next, is to have unprotected sex. The next is bringing an unwanted child into the world. The next is giving no thought to the ultimate welfare of the unwanted yet, innocent child. The next bad decision is in trying finding an equitable solution to all involved because at this point, there is no equitable solution. Only a correct solution. And that is to do what’s in the best interest of the innocent child and everyone else connected to the problem be damned.

In short, I don’t think there is a correct course of action to take at this point. Finding what’s now best to do is like trying to make ice cream out of $hit! It can be done I suppose but it’s never “gonna” taste real good! And so what we end up with is what in real life we call a tragedy. Contact, no contact, reconciliation, divorce, marriage between the WH & OW or vice versa…it’s all ugly, its all senseless and none of it promises any meaningful solution to any problem. So pick your poison because in the end no matter what’s done, the result will probably be the same. Unhappy people in unhappy lives programming the future generation that they senselessly procreated, for a life equally unhappy.

So any BS who chooses to stay in a relationship with a partner in this kind of circumstance? You know what you’re in for so don’t lie to yourself about it. This will almost always end up being be a case where life goes from bad to worse.

Coach </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coach3350......You da man. I think your posts are awesome, and I find myself agreeing with you almost all the time (that is not a necessarily good thing on this board if you want to be in the "in crowd" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .) Thanks for the post and opinions. YOU said it best with your depicting the OC situation. I wish I could say it as good as you.

By the way, where are in regards to your marriage. Are you divorced, recovered?

I like the way that you talk about the WS not having a gun to their head when they chose to betray the marriage. I hate the fact that so many people use the OW/OM as the scapegoat for "preying" on the confused weak, Wayward. I really hate that. It is good to know that yet again, I am not alone with this.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is there any reason why you feel there may be an OC? I hope and pray that that never comes to fruition for you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be perfectly honest ? There's a pessimist that lives within me. In order to deal with the inevitable, I imagine the worst case scenario. Thereby not setting myself up for disillusion ?

That's a family trait, I think we get it from my dad, but maybe a little from my mom. My youngest brother definately holds the ranking title.

Expect the worst, hope for the best, this way if the worst DOES happen, you're better at least not blindsided by it.

I know...horrible thought process, but I is who I is.

Recovery for me has gone relatively well, I have a FWS that works hard to rebuild trust, create a safe secure environment, one that's remorseful, willing to look at his own behaviors as well as mine to really make sure we don't travel this road again.

That pessimist lives and breathes, and if I dont' let her out to play sometimes, she sabotages my happiness.

Was that all babble or did any of it make sense ?

As far as it coming into my future, I don't think so, not anymore. The stalking obsessive behavior she exhibits leads me and many others to believe she'd take a billboard out on every corner to drive that stake into me...you know ?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is there any reason why you feel there may be an OC? I hope and pray that that never comes to fruition for you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be perfectly honest ? There's a pessimist that lives within me. In order to deal with the inevitable, I imagine the worst case scenario. Thereby not setting myself up for disillusion ?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BIJ:

I suffer from the same "pessimist" trait. I sometimes always see the bad in things. When $hit is tanking in the OR for instance, I am thinking of the worst case scenario and working up from there. When my favortie football team is winning a close game and the other team is coming back.....it is always me who says "They are gonna lose, I know it". It is definitely a self fulfilling prophecy sometimes. I am getting better at this. I need to learn to EXPECT good to happen. There was a recent case at my hospital that a few colleagues got named in a law suit. My first instince is ALWAYS, $hit, I bet that I am named also. (I wasn't named, Thank God <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). My brother is the exact opposite. he always expects to win and be on top....sometimes it is sickening. Finding a balace is the key.

Thanks for the post. I can fully understand why you would set up the OC situation already in your mind, almost as a way of pre-conditioning yourself for this disaster. I would do the same. I bet though, IF THERE was an OC, it would have come out by now. Slowly, hopefully you can let go of this horribble thought that your H fathered an OC.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how we as BS can ever truly "admire" and "respect" our WS FULLY again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman, I have struggled with this from time to time as well. I consider it my "ego" when I start thinking this way. Which is not bad, it is just how I consider it.

Basically, my short answer, for myself that I am sharing with you, is: I have come to realize that the true measure of a person, of who they are and what they stand for, is not JUST them leading a life that always follows their basic beliefs/priniples/morals ~ for me, the true measure, is WHAT THAT PERSON DOES AFTER they have fallen on their face.

Because to believe that people/acts/things/LIFE is not redeemable, is a pretty scary pedestal to be on, looking down at what "could be." To me, anyway. I have never had an A, but I've done other things that if made known, people would definately question my judgement, my person. But I can't think less of myself each day for my PAST. That would mean I was doomed to relive it over and over again.

I feel GOOD about myself that I consciously DON'T make those poor choices anymore. And not just because they are not socially acceptable, but because they don't make me feel good about myself. Isn't that growing, maturing, learning?

The easiest thing to do when a person messes up is to run and hide; pretending not only to themselves, but the rest of the world, that they didn't do anything wrong.

IMO, it is soooo much harder to stand up, look your ugliness in the face, and say, "I am not going to do this anymore." And then to follow-through with that, first one day, then one week, then one month, then one year, then you are a new person in a very special way.

One part of me still gets caught up in judging my FWH, my ego. But the other part of me, what I consider to be my true self, the love inside of me, the light, admires my H for facing his demons in order to come back to his family. And his tenaciousness held us together during many rocky parts of our recovery, times when I was out of gas, and wanted to quit. He refused to quit.

Ultimately, my H is still my hero (most days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , we are not yet 1 year into recovery).

Peace to you, Lemonman.

Spidey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong>

How are things goign with you and your children? I can't seem to figure out if you have reconciled with your WH. Have you? Are you still working on that? Let me know. I haven't really seen an update on your situation. I hope things in your life are better. Your struggles over the past year have been tough, and having it go "national" can NOT have possibly helped things. I can't say I am ever rooting for your WH, but if it is him and your marriage that you want, I hope that you get them.

LM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey LM! email me at kandi@caveda.com and I will give you a COMPLETE update! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
[qb]

How are things goign with you and your children? I can't seem to figure out if you have reconciled with your WH. Have you? Are you still working on that? Let me know. I haven't really seen an update on your situation. I hope things in your life are better. Your struggles over the past year have been tough, and having it go "national" can NOT have possibly helped things. I can't say I am ever rooting for your WH, but if it is him and your marriage that you want, I hope that you get them.

LM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I second that. I have seen you post a few times here and there, but no update. I have been thinking and praying for your children and your family.

Danielle

Lemonman -

Your opinions are greatly valued here. I'm with you on not being able to admire my WH. You are still very early in recovery. Forgiveness and a sense of not caring will come for you too.

I think my WH is still with the OW, but don't check, because I don't care. I don't have bad feelings for her, or my husband. I just don't think about them too much.

I am sorry that my marriage is over, but life is getting better and better for me. I'm so happy to leave all of the drama in the past.

LM...am a CNMT w/BS in specialty (senior technologist; former chief technologist)...am applying soon for a practicioner program beginning in 1 year...am crossing my fingers I can get in as it's a radiology pa program in that specialty only...and I can continue working my fulltime job where I am now and get clinic hours...would have to squeeze in an extra 12 hrs extra a week assisting the MD in special procedures, interventional, and in reading room learning how to read basic films. Am going after that as I won't have to give up my job and will do the extra clinic time when my son is visiting the x.

Hopefully, I'll get in. We'll know in about 9 more mos.! Am taking some ceu classes and some other stuff to make my resume look even better.

LM,

I read the first page of this thread and then the last. So forgive me if I repeat what has been said.

You said among other things </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have been reading alot lately, and despite my recovery I am still troubled by some concepts of recovery, an in particular how we as BS can ever truly "admire" and "respect" our WS FULLY again. Now, I sometimes wonder whether my inability to "get this" hampered any chance (no matter how small) I ever had at recovering my marriage. I wonder sometimes if it is me who is "flawed".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah, LM you are not flawed. What you may not realize is that forgiveness is a "gift" you give yourself. And when you come to the point in your life when you can forgive her you will know what I mean. Further, the purpose of this site is NOT to recover every marriage, but to allow people the best chance. The fact that your marriage was NOT recovered is NOT your failing. If I recall your story you gave her a chance, you tried to recover the marriage, and she failed as you found out in the OR one night.

You cannot recover that which BOTH parties want to recover. She did not the first go around, I don't know if she wanted to the second go around. But you were willing the first, and not willing the second. That does NOT indicate a failure of thinking, love, or heart on your part. Mel, mentioned that 8-10 months can be hard so hang on.

Apart from what harley says, my experience in life is that about a year is needed to recover from many tragedies and yes even serious illnesses.

So you are on time. As for NOT getting it, well no one gets it unless the WS really works on recovery. You don't have children which is also a motivator to endure and work on recovery. But, most of the BS's I have conversed with here and in live, always lose a piece of their heart and there are scars no matter the status of recovery. An innocence (sp) is lost. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

[quote[While I know that people make mistakes, yada yada yada, I just don't see how I could ever in the "true sense" of the word admire and respect my WW again and actually want her to mother my children someday. This is something that I could never get past. [/quote]

Never say never, but realize you and she had children and you KNEW she was a good mother before, then you would be more likely to allow her the years and decades to PROVE to you that you made a great decision. You did NOT have that time or circumstance, hence from your perspective there was no chance. It is very normal.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just can't imagine it. I read the many stories here of Wayward Spouses who have betrayed their BS in the worst possible ways (OC, Bankruptcy, STD's) and somehow "recovery" is made. I want to TRULY know from these BS who this happens to, do they reaaly 100% forgive this and find admiration, etc in their WS again. Do they really believe in their heart of hearts that their WS are great Fathers, etc.. and want for their children to emulate them (obviously I am not talking about the affair behavior), but in the general sense.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some do, and some don't but realize you are reading a selected group of people here. They WANT to recover if possible for many reasons, but there are many more that do NOT. So you are not very far out on the distribution curve here.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have come a long way in understanding what happened to my marriage and am really "healing", but I know that I am just "not there yet". I still feel alot of disgust when I read about the continued betrayals that BS go through here and still just find it hard to respect a BS when they continue to "accept" it in some plight to "honor their vows". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are indeed healing and as you do, you will understand better. Honoring your vows is a personal choice, it has little to do with the WS. You gave your WS a second chance didn't you? I think you are being hard on yourself.

Further, you will notice that many of the BS that post here have a hard time when a WS does post. They seem to feel what you feel as well. But, part of personal healing and recovery is the detachment that comes from perspective. I would suggest that most people would become very queasy doing what you do, but with time and experience they lose this feeling and it becomes something that NEEDS to be done. I see many parallels in that regard.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is wrong with me? Why can't I see what so many of you see in forgiving? Is it because I never embraced the concept of "alien behavior"?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Alien behavior" is a wonderful way to explain the unexplainable don't you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But the reality is taht you are in fact very normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You will see what many see in forgiving when something in your life "requires" that you do that. I think you will forgive your W one day, not for her, but for you. Give it time LM, you are doing better than you realize.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

You are a man with extreme intellignece and compassion. I hope to someday attain the wisdom you have. When I first came to this site I was very threatened by your posts to me. It is only with greater understanding of my life and recovery that I know realize that it was me who "didn't get it". YOur input on these boards is a pure treasure to all of us.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spider Slayer:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how we as BS can ever truly "admire" and "respect" our WS FULLY again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman, I have struggled with this from time to time as well. I consider it my "ego" when I start thinking this way. Which is not bad, it is just how I consider it.

Basically, my short answer, for myself that I am sharing with you, is: I have come to realize that the true measure of a person, of who they are and what they stand for, is not JUST them leading a life that always follows their basic beliefs/priniples/morals ~ for me, the true measure, is WHAT THAT PERSON DOES AFTER they have fallen on their face.

Because to believe that people/acts/things/LIFE is not redeemable, is a pretty scary pedestal to be on, looking down at what "could be." To me, anyway. I have never had an A, but I've done other things that if made known, people would definately question my judgement, my person. But I can't think less of myself each day for my PAST. That would mean I was doomed to relive it over and over again.

I feel GOOD about myself that I consciously DON'T make those poor choices anymore. And not just because they are not socially acceptable, but because they don't make me feel good about myself. Isn't that growing, maturing, learning?

The easiest thing to do when a person messes up is to run and hide; pretending not only to themselves, but the rest of the world, that they didn't do anything wrong.

IMO, it is soooo much harder to stand up, look your ugliness in the face, and say, "I am not going to do this anymore." And then to follow-through with that, first one day, then one week, then one month, then one year, then you are a new person in a very special way.

One part of me still gets caught up in judging my FWH, my ego. But the other part of me, what I consider to be my true self, the love inside of me, the light, admires my H for facing his demons in order to come back to his family. And his tenaciousness held us together during many rocky parts of our recovery, times when I was out of gas, and wanted to quit. He refused to quit.

Ultimately, my H is still my hero (most days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , we are not yet 1 year into recovery).

Peace to you, Lemonman.

Spidey </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SS ( I love the name):

Thanks for the post. That was truly inspirational. I agree alot with what you say. A man should be judged by how he acts in times of despair NOT prosperity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by justpeachy:
<strong> LM...am a CNMT w/BS in specialty (senior technologist; former chief technologist)...am applying soon for a practicioner program beginning in 1 year...am crossing my fingers I can get in as it's a radiology pa program in that specialty only...and I can continue working my fulltime job where I am now and get clinic hours...would have to squeeze in an extra 12 hrs extra a week assisting the MD in special procedures, interventional, and in reading room learning how to read basic films. Am going after that as I won't have to give up my job and will do the extra clinic time when my son is visiting the x.

Hopefully, I'll get in. We'll know in about 9 more mos.! Am taking some ceu classes and some other stuff to make my resume look even better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JP:

Now I understand more. Seems pretty specialized I must say. I think you will get anything you want in life if you continue your perseverance. As mush as life has been kicking your [censored] over these past years you have always fought back and lived to tell anout it. YOu rock.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how we as BS can ever truly "admire" and "respect" our WS FULLY again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey LM - My W had multiple A's during our first three years of M... we also had our oldest daughter then as well... so for me, my decision to stay was based more on my daughter and trying to keep our family together.

Looking back on that horrible time, I sure don't "admire" or "respect" anyting about my W then... but as time has passed, and we've worked through all of the issues of her A's... and added two more daughters to our family... I can truly say that I DO admire and respect Mrs. RIF for the wife and mother that she is NOW .

Like the others have said, I think that you did exactly what you needed to do in your situation. Everyone's situation is different and we each must decide what we will or won't do...

All the best to you LM... I enjoy reading your posts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

What about the "love bank" theory?

Out of 32 years of being with my H, he was a WH for around 3 years. We've been reconciled now almost longer than he was involved in the A.

He is back to being himself again, not the crazy alien that he was when he was addicted.

It was like he was gone for awhile and now is back.

I always had the feeling that he would come back if I could reach him and lead him back.

Weird but true....

LM,

Trust me on this when you get to be my age you will very likely know more than I do. But, one thing I did learn many many years ago, is that "no one leads their live like I would lead it for them." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are actually doing well. And I suspect that like me posting and reading on this site is an educational experience. I am constantly amazed by the strength and the hope and the devotion displayed here. And this is what may surprise you: I see it from the BS AND the WS.

Hang in there LM, you WILL recover, you HAVE learned alot, and your life WILL be better for it. Have faith in that.

God Bless,

JL

LM - I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you may have missed it. You sound like you are concerned that maybe you gave up too soon. Would you care to post more about what, exactly, you and your XWW did between D-Day and your divorce?
Mulan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> LM, are you 8 months out from your divorce? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, the affair, and it is more like 10 months. Isn't it pathetic how time flies? Divorce is "fresh" essentially. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi LM,

Not sure if you have read any of my threads but I'm about 8 months since the affair, all legal stuff has been taken care of, and I still have an unrepenting X that is still involved with the OM which I want nothing to do with.

I have also been really struggling with the forgiveness/recovery stuff lately. I wasn't sure why this hit me all of a sudden like this but I guess maybe it must just be part of the process.

Just to let me know I'm here rooting for you. Let me know if you discover any "secrets" in your quest to move on!

Miker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
<strong> LM - I mentioned this in an earlier post, but you may have missed it. You sound like you are concerned that maybe you gave up too soon. Would you care to post more about what, exactly, you and your XWW did between D-Day and your divorce?
Mulan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mulan:

Sorry I must have missed the post. The reason that I have been questioning myself is that after alot of time reading this site this weekend I began to wonder if I "tried" hard enough. I spent a lot of time reading the Preg/OC boards and read of incredibly horrible stories and women on there fighting very hard for their wayward husbands and marriages. I began to wonder (AGAIN) if it was just me who didn't have "what it took" to make the marriage work. My WW and I tried MC after the 1st D-Day and it was not really helpful. At first I blamed the MC for "not being that good", but in hindsight, a MC can only be as good (or bad) as the couples intentions to recover.

My WW did NOT want to recover in her heart. I did, but that did not matter. I know that in my heart of hearts I did all that ****I could****. I know that I am NOT capable of doing the Plan A's and suffering all of the False Recoveries that others here have done and lived to say they "recovered" their marriages. That kind of stuff would have probably destroyed me. For some time (and still occassionally) after I read what others here have done (or are doing) in the fight for their WS and marriages, I think that maybe I just don't have the strength they do. I know that in reality that is not true. We are all made up differently, and we all have limits and different perspectives.

I would guess that we only had a few weeks of "post recovery bliss" before the sad reality came haunting back that my marriage was on a crash course for death. After the 2nd D-Day I for all intents and purposes ended the marriage. There was nothing that my wife could really do or say at that point. I was kind of in a Plan B. It did not matter thoogh, she was still involved with the OM (and is to this day in some manner).

I guess I should not be comparing my situations to others here because for one--> I did not go through the usual Plan A/B strategies here (that in itself could of lasted 6 or so months and "technically" prolonged the marriage and allowed for a totally theoretical reconciliation). I am not really comparing apples to apples here....or should I say lemons to lemons <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . My "strategy" for saving my marriage did NOT work. Hence I have stopped ignorantly giving marriage recovery advice. I do however feel I can give personal recovery advice.

I forgave my wife's betrayal of me and our marriage....but I told her in no uncertain terms (and actually very lovingly in a tear jerking emotional moment that I will go to my grave with) that I would NEVER accept her betraying our marriage again. She KNEW as plain as day the seriousness of this and of my willingness to end the marriage if it happened again. Anyone who knows me knows that I ALWAYS do what I SAY. I am not a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a man of my word. She knew it. I laid my heart and soul on the table for her. I swallowed every ounce of pride I had to take her back......YOu know why?, because none of that mattered....MY marriage mattered more to me than my pride or pain. I made boundaries that day and I have held to them. Sticking to my boundaries more or less fast tracked my marriage to a divorce once they were crossed. That is a reason why it irks me to no end when people talk all of this Bull$hyt about boundaries here, yet it is all lip service. Boundaries are broken time and time again daily on this web site, yet all that happens is a "movement" of the boundaries to keep the "marriage" alive. I guess that is why I sometimes have so little tolerance for the false recoveries on here and the betrayed souls who accept them TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

I feel very good about what I did and am on my way to recovery. If my wife came back today and said she "changed, etc..", I would NOT welcome her back. My Love for her is DEAD, and I know that I don't have the desire to try and ressurect that love (I do concede that ressurecting a love is possible). I feel I am to good a human being and owe myself something so much better in this life. Some may see that as narcissitic or me acting "God Like", but that is not the case at all. IMHO, I have to much respect for myself to ever "go there" again. My WW lost so much more than just a marriage. She will probably never know the person she lost in me. I would have given my life for her had she stayed faitful and truly recommitted herself to our marriage and life together. I do pray that God help her cope the day the sad reality of what she has done (destroyed 3 families) and lost hits her. I know that she will need every ounce of prayer and support the day that comes to fruition.

But alas folks, my xWW is not all that bad and everyone in this world does not "hate" her. There is another woman walking around out there in this world who does not even know I exist....but someday I know that the "big guy" upstairs is gonna let us meet. It will be that woman who will owe my wife a debt of gratitude <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Thanks for contributing to the thread.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />