My wife and I have been married for 5 years, together for almost 9. We have had what I thought was an amazing life together. We are not rich but not poor. We simply had so much love that it was incredible to me. Where the problems began were about 2 1/2 years ago and I was too stupid to realize it. I went thru 2 job losses and my self esteem went out the door. During that time there were times when she asked me to go to counciling as I shut many people out and was not a very happy person. I never went. I guess being a male and thinking I could solve things myself. Well, a little more than a month ago she told me that she has been unhappy for all that time. I really had no clue. Of course the realization of things hits like a ton of bricks now. I have come to realize that there were things she asked of me and I asked of her that neither of us did. We did not truly communicate the way we should have. She says now that she is done and does not love me any longer. I love this woman more than I ever thought possible. I started to see a counselor and she has gone once. I want so bad for us to work on this and get things right again but she does not seem to see where we both messed up. I am her 3rd husband, which bothered me a bit at first but it never did during our marriage. We have just had such an incredible love, at least I thought, that I find it so difficult to believe she just wants to throw it away. I want us to go to counseling together and work thru this but I know it taked 2 and you can't MAKE someone love you. But do we not owe it to one another to make something that was so powerful strong again? I feel like I am just running in circles trying to work at this and getting nothing from her. I want help so bad it's killing me.
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I don't want you to think no one cares enough to answer you. Sometimes the weekends are kind of slow around here. This is a great place to find the kind of help you need. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? It's a great book that will help you understand some things you probably need to know. You can buy it at the top of this page by clicking on "Bookstore." Or you can get it at many bookstores, I understand.

Don't give up if you don't get a bunch of answers today. Reply to yourself occasionally (called "bumping") and it will keep your question up at the top where people can see it easily. Pretty soon someone will arrive here with the right answer for you. There are many more experienced posters here who will have the answer you need.

Don't give up.

Hi David,

welcome to Marriagebuilders although is it unfortunate you have to join us. But this is an excellent site to help you work on your relationship.

This is a board where infidelity is talked about, so maybe if that isn't your case you are better off going to the emotionalneeds forum. Check out the whole website.

There is a lot of very good information on the website that you can read.

Weekends are slow, so don't expect many answers today.

Third husband,huh?

What's up with that?
Why did she already have two failed marriages?
Did those marriages also end once the honeymoon phase ended? Just asking. Or were there other reasons for those divorces? In addition, it may be necessary to examine the dynamics of how your relationship together got started. If either of you was married to somebody else, and your relationship together is based on adultery, then the chance of you two having a LASTING relationship together are extremely small.

Also, third marriages have a very low success rate in general.

So in addition to following Marriage builders principles to try to save your marriage, you may have to address a possible pattern of relationship failure?

Have you read about Plan A? Are you aware of what your wife's most important emotional needs are? Has she said anything specific about her unhappiness? Besides your depression (withdrawal?) over job problems, what is she unhappy about? Part of Plan A will be to start behaving again like you did before. But you may also have to identify and meet some additional needs of hers that you weren't even aware of before.

Good luck and give it your best effort.
It is advised for a husband to do Plan A for 6 months, even if the wife shows no signs of responding positively.

Get some counseling and maybe even some anti-depressent prescription for your depression.
Also, it may just be that your depression has affected her too - it can be contagious. She is going to have to see you be stronger now. So get whatever help you will need to get there for yourself, your wife, and your marriage.

Try this. Go get the HNHN's book Starz was talking about. Start reading it and leaving it around the house as you do so she see's it. I'm assuming she still lives with you. After you get through a couple of chapters casualy say things that you learned. If she hasn't started reading it in a couple of weeks ask her if she would join you by reading a couple of paragraphs you would like her to read. If all else fails be a little more direct. Did she ever tell you that she wanted this marriage to work unlike the others. Let her know this is her chance to help you do that. Best wishes.

David G,

I may know how your wife is feeling and thinking. Please read the first 4 paragraphs of my original post (and the remainder too if it applies, I'm hoping not) ...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037412

And, some embarrassing aftermath of our destructive behavior ...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037599

Believe it or not, before all this ugliness started in our marriage, we, too, seemed to be the 'perfect couple'. We were so 'in love' and even inseparable. Unfortunately, we (I felt he) let other priorities (work, money, hobbies, friends, families) come before our R and allowed our love for each other to die. What brought everything to a screeching halt was when my H lost his job and became depressed and withdrawn. He, too, refused to go to IC/MC, and the rest is history as I've posted it.

I guess the reason I'm responding is two-fold:

1. If you ever wonder what your wife is going through and you're not getting any answers from her, feel free to ask me or a number of undecided spouses on this forum. I'm pretty certain I/we can help answer your questions.

2. I'd like to give you some hope (so long as things aren't too far gone in your M) ... Even with all the things that we went through (his depression, our lack of intimacy, our loss of love, my A), I've seen small signs for optimism. I'm not saying that we've made it through. In fact, we're FAAAR from it, and I'm still in the "undecided" mode. But, something is making me think twice about filing for a D.

Over the past yr, my H has continued to show a different person than the one I remembered. He's become more attentive and caring. He has, to some extent, become more self-sufficient (note he never cooked, cleaned nor took care of our house/pets throughout our M. He didn't even know how to schedule a doctor's apptmt or pay a bill). He also took control of his addiction to his hobbies. He started a diet/exercise plan that seems to be working.

What I'm tring to say is that because of these changes, I'm starting to see that perhaps there is hope for us?? In fact, over the past 2 weeks, we started dating again. Although it's been awkward and uncomfortable (exacerbated by the fact that I'm in withdrawal from my A), for the first time in years, I actually enjoyed being with my H. I guess what I'm saying is that if you really care about your wife and want her back, here's something to try that worked for me. (This is also called Plan A.) I know every R is somewhat different, but I really hope this helps.

Also, I want to thank you for posting, because it also gave me insights into what my H is thinking and going through.

Good luck,

Whisper

Duplicate. sorry.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: whisper28 ]</small>

Duplicate ... sorry

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: whisper28 ]</small>