I'm having such a hard time fitting back into "life". I don't feel comfortable around my old friends - I withdrew from them for so long during/and just after H's affair - (it was pretty easy, since we were living out of state and we seldom saw them). When we moved back to our home state (which was soon after my finding out about his A) - I didn't make any attempts to reconnect with them and I brushed their attempts off.

I just don't feel like I "fit in" anyplace, now. My old friends sense that something is different about me when I am around them, and I just don't feel comfortable.

It's like I'm still withdrawn and I don't *want* to be - How did you reconnect with life?

SE

Do your friends no about the A? I'm assuming you feel shame over it. Remember it was his choice to break the vows not yours. He could have just as easily choose to go to a MC to fix what he might have been missing in the marriage. He choose the selfish way out by going to someone else. Please do not think I'm judging him. I'm really not. I'm trying to make sure you understand you are not at fault here. I don't know how close these friends are so I can't advise you to tell them or not about the A if they don't know. Your hurting now I can tell. Do you have anyone there you can talk to on a daily baises? You need that. We are here for you also. Best wishes, we'll be waiting for a reply.

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>

Thanks for your post, RHM.

No, my friends do not know - nobody knows, except my doctor. I'm sure part of my reason for not telling anyone is shame - it is hard to not feel on some level that his poor choices are at least partially a reflection on me. Everyone has always thought of him as "perfect" - and I've protected that image through all of this.

I'm also just a very private person in general when it comes to airing "dirty laundry".

There is nobody that I can talk to on a daily basis. My support has come from lurking on message boards such as this, my husband, and taking life one day at a time.

I just can't seem to recover that part of me that enjoyed being social.

SE~

I know how you feel. I have spent the last 18 months immobilized over his A. I was in school and had to withdraw, was failing classes & needed to save my GPA. I only have 5 classes left and I am still finding it hard to get motivated to finish.

I was offered a job last year and turned it down. I froze up with thoughts of trying to start a new job and still dealing with MY recovery.

Socially we have been pretty much loners since the A. Other than my sister (also my BF) and her H, we haven't really socialized.

Although I think we needed this time together to reconnect and start healing, I feel soon the time has to come to re-engage in the 'real world' again.

How to do that?? Yikes, got me. Fortunately, we are moving to a new area, new school for the kids, new church etc. so I am going to take that opportunity to 'start over' and forge new friendships and activities. My H and I are excited to get involved again.

Good luck!
Frags

Hi Frags,

Yes - I feel like re-engaging in the 'real-world' again is long overdue for me. It's been so long - it just isn't coming easily. It sure isn't like riding a bike... I think I've completely forgotten how to be socially interactive.

Good luck to you. It sounds as if you'll have the perfect opportunity and setting to help you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sure part of my reason for not telling anyone is shame - it is hard to not feel on some level that his poor choices are at least partially a reflection on me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I get the same feelings. The OM was in our church so the cat is out of the bag. Every time I'm back home I sit right there with my W on my right side. My are is around her so everyone see's us as unified in this. She sits on my right side because it is the place of honor and respect. It's hard sometimes but she is worth it. I'm telling you this so that you know as long as both of you are willing to work at this you can recover and have a great marriage. A better marriage then before. Hey, this is my second and last time around on this with my W. Are you two going to a MC? What have you done to start rebuilding?

I've never seen the OW in person, only a picture. I'm not sure how well I would handle actually being around her. That must be so hard for you.

Our marriage is stronger now that it was before - although, I'll always wish the A wasn't part of our history. He has done everything right - immediate no contact and recommitment to me and our marriage. We've both worked so hard to get where we are today. The recovery of our relationship and marriage is going wonderfully - it is the recovery of myself that I'm not doing so well with...

We aren't in MC or IC. I went to IC for a few weeks to help me deal with things when we moved back to our home state.

How long have you been married?

I feel that you need to get back to a IC. It will help you relieve and channel some of you hurt, shame, and flustration. I'm happy to here that your marriage is going to work out.

Ours got to be real good after the first time. Don't let this scare you. I'm military and I've only been home 6 mos in the last 2 yrs. That had a major role in our problems as well as she was feeling the mid-life crisses. Not getting any younger or more attractive(not true). It started as fiends. Turned into a strong EA. We'll get by.

The thing is you need to get the help to keep you mentaly strong.

It will be 19 yrs this jun.

I'm sure more IC would benefit me.

Being away so much had to be hard for the both of you. Sounds like you're on track now and recovering.

We've been married almost 21 years.

We have a agreement. In nov when I get back we will start MCing. I will give it at least a year. In the mean time only nice talk as much as posible. It will be ok.

Yea I highly incourage a IC. This place is a good place to vent in between ICing days.

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>