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I guess we can put CA in Harley terms.

The spouse who wants to CA becomes the "Giver." In this particular case the other spouse may in fact have no idea that they are being the "Taker" in this situation.

My wife did this. She'd be the "giver" on an issue and hold huge resentment over me. Most of the time I had no idea I was even the "Taker." This became a pattern to the point where I didn't have any idea that years of resentment were building.

Some of you may say," how could you have no idea that your wife perceived you as always being a taker? Ridiculous!"

Look at it this way. We are not mind readers. When I offered something, a course of action, an idea, a plan. My wife usually agreed. I didn't know then the Harley terms but viewed that we were practicing our own type of policy of Joint Agreement.

I just had no idea that not only were we not in agreement but my wife had a long memory of resentment.

What a way to live.

Also several people responding mentioned that their family has two CAs. I know in my case I became one bc I knew that's the way my W was going to deal with it. If I continued to press I was the "bad guy." So I dropped it. Of course this pattern just continued the downward spiral.

Mac

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 06:43 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

yeah, cw, what you said!!!

That's kinda' what I meant about becoming somewhat of a CA myself, over the years!! I have always been the bad guy (girl)!! And so often I didn't even know it!! Kinda' like rumors- if i am getting to be the taker, I would at least like to know it and enjoy it!! If I am accused in gossip of doing something, I want it to at least be partly true, so I had fun doing it?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I really had NO idea for a long time, that my H was just agreeing for the sake of peace!! I really thought that I was that "wise" or had great ideas or whatever... And when I figured it out, by a few snide remarks of his here and there, there was/is never a way to get him to admit that he really "meant"/means it!!!

So many arguments are derived from a sarcastic remark of his, that I now take very seriously (maybe too seriously too often). Then I say, well if that upsets you, why don't you just say so? But he maintains that he is "joking" and there is noo problems!!! Then if I push, he MAY eventually admit that it bothered him a "little" bit. OR I "take" what he says the "wrong" way. Sometimes, and I cannot think of an example right off-hand, there really is just one way to take something. Or I really do know him better now, AND I DO know often, what he REALLY means!!

Will add more later, have to go to store while kids are gone!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope that some others will get into this discussion more!!

jls

Ms Seagull,

Oh I get it you have one of those H's who makes snide remarks that are based 90% on fact and when he gets called on it he says, "I was just joking/kidding."

Sorry to hear that. Some people just don't realize the sarcasm is usually based in complete fact. Thes people should not use it. It slowly kills a relationship.

Mac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I continued to press I was the "bad guy." So I dropped it. Of course this pattern just continued the downward spiral. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, cw, I was guilty of this too. My H did actually press me sometimes, tell me that he thought I was a pathetically bad communicator and really needed to learn some communication skills. Well, it may have been true, but him lecturing me did nothing for my self-esteem and just made me resent him (it was a DJ), and dig myself in deeper. Its been a bit of pattern like this for us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It only changed because after my A <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I recognised how badly I needed to change for myself, independent of him and my relationship with him.

Wow.
Very insightful.

I spent years feeling like the 'taker' but not knowing what I did (took) to get there! I always felt I got more than I gave...but didn't know what else to give or do about it! Of course I did not 'know' this at the time - I just knew I was frustrated and confused. So I whip out the DJs and AOs. Real helpful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Then, my CA tendencies became stronger bc I got tired of feeling like the 'bad guy' or more aptly, I felt like a nag and a b1tch.

Funny (not haha) the other day I was stewing about something and H says "what's wrong?" I say "Nothing" Well, H knows my moods like he knows the back of his hand. He pushed me and I finally said, "Not sure. Feeling bummed. Annoyed at you too. Trying to figure it out." He left me alone to finish fixing dinner and lo and behold, after dinner we had a good conversation about what was up with me. (I figured it out between dinner and talking it out with him - whoda thunk?)

Wow, I guess we ARE getting better at this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />