Help I've really stuffed up

I've hurt the only one I care about.

I let myself get so drunk that I could not understand reality.

I was with my loved ones mate of 20 years. I don't even like his mate.

His mate is a preditor and I should have known.
He knew what state I was in and he took his opportunity. I let him. I didn't even want Him i wanted my loved one. I was even fantasising it was my loved one while it was happening.

I've only ever wanted my loved one.
He's the only one I really care about.
He's the one I've always wanted to build a future with.

And I've certainly stuffed that up.

He's my whole life. I've given everything up to be with him and now I've thrown it all away. all respect. all trust. everything.

I want to make amends. or atleast be given a chance to make amends.

I need my partner to understand that I could never do what i did if I were sober.

I need him to understand how sorry i am.

I did the worst thing for the most pathetic reason.

He is the only one, the only thing i want.
He is my life.

I've taken a few deep breaths to have a read of some of the stuff on here.

My loved one (of 4 years)is very much a TAKER, I am very much a GIVER. Things were so unbalanced that when I became the TAKER I did it in the biggest way.

I don't know how to make amends with us as he has always been the taker with out any reason. Now he is the taker WITH reason. But that means we will get nowhere.

I should have looked for this sight a year ago so things could never have got this far out of preportion.

I tried talking to him for so long but I could never word it so understandabley.

He wont talk to me except telling me that he has ALL the control and it nothing to do with me.

Please help me.
I just want to be able to make things better

Welcome to MB. I know how hard it is to come here as the WS and it seems you have confessed to your H. Are you in MC? IC? Have you read any of the recommended books?

I'm still to stressed out

i can't eat and i keep having heart pulpitations

I'm not sure on the abbriviations is there a listing somewhere?


I'm only just managing to get water in

what's the logistics..

married
how long
children
how old

were you 'caught' or did you reveal your affair..

are you still in contact with the other man

is your husband in contact with the om..

what do you mean he was a taker?

ark

not married lived together for four years.

have business together.

no kids

I was caught immediatly. I would have told him as soon as I saw him though. I cannot keeps secrets from him our lives ore too much as one

not in contact at all with other man. hes not anyone i've ever contacted independantly. he's not anyone I see regularly and he's not even someone I care about

spouse not in contact with him either. he never wants to see or hear him again.

By taker I mean everything we do is on his terms my life revolves around his. he does what he wants and I just fit in

thankyou guys for being here.
I'm in a real messy state

thankyou

Well no matter an affair or one night stand..or whatever...

none of that puts you in the control of him or anyone else...

how were you caught without telling him...

has your significant other been abusive physically ?

you can heal from this..
all of us sadly are capable of hurting deeply those we love..
all of us are capable of moving away from being the person that can hurt people...

are you two still living together....

is there any type of controlled communication..

what is he saying..

ark

no
never abusive
he likes things his own way but never abusive

he found us. OM kissing me where he should never of even been allowed to even think about

I'm we're still in the same house yes.

Theres limited comunication about other things.

the only things about it is 'how the ****', 'I don't want to bee in the same room as you'
and that he doesn't care about my feelings, that he's the one in control

and the thing thats the worst... he said 'the worst thing is you will probably never know this pain'
and he's right. our lives are one and I've put something tha worst thing as an divider between us